Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Is Your Bedroom Killing Your Alpha?

When a man marries (or moves in with) a woman, there's a long period where things are uncomfortable.  You don't know where everything goes, you don't know about her stuff, and suddenly you're sharing things you didn't used to -- like a bedroom.

Men like the bedroom.  It's where some of our favorite sex happens.  But all too often over time one of two terrible things happen, and we don't realize it.

First, if you're a parent, your bedroom may become the repository for laundry, exiled toys, and assorted kid crap you want to maintain control over.  Or, for some, a place you can hide all of your messy crap from company if you need to.  Kids are messy, and they make us messy if we're not careful.  And then there's your own crap: exercise machine, decades of SI, action figure collection, whatever.

The second thing that can happen is that your woman, secure in her relationship, decides to "nest" in the glory of her "big girl house" by transforming your bedroom and bathroom to what is undoubtedly Her Domain.  Pillows, artwork, carpet, drapes, from the moment you enter the bedroom, it's Her bedroom . . . you just sleep there.

Now neither of those possibilities is very conducive to getting laid.  A bedroom full of kid crap is distracting to the extreme.  If you have very young children, the possibility exists that you will be in your moment of passion and the piles of laundry shift and suddenly you're trying to get your rocks off to "Elmo's Song" as their toys sing at you maniacally.  Kids artwork is great, but it belongs elsewhere -- nothing can throw your Game like suddenly looking up at a hand-drawn picture of you with WORLD'S BEST DADDY on it.  It's heartwarming -- not boner-building.

Likewise, if your woman has over-feminized your bedroom with five times the legal limits of pillows, artwork you don't like, or every stuffed animal she's ever gotten, getting laid might be less distracting but also less natural.  Our surroundings influence us, and in the bedroom not only should we feel free to focus on the activities associated therewith, but we should also feel, as Men, that the bedroom includes a mixture of masculine and feminine energies that you both feel comfortable with.

Now that sounds like New Agey crap, but the fact is if you're bedroom is four shades of mauve and you go to sleep every night staring at your wife's prized Angel collection, your bedroom suffers from any sign of you, the Man.  And it shouldn't have to.  The visual portrayal of masculine energy aids in the establishment of masculine self-confidence and pride.  All too often when we marry we automatically defer (in fine Blue Pill fashion) to whatever our wives want to do with the bedroom, because, well, they happen to have the only functioning vagina in the relationship.  As Captain of your ship, you have the right to have appropriate quarters that reflect your masculine soul -- especially when it comes to something as important as poon tang.

So take careful stock of your bedroom this evening -- really look around and take a mental inventory.  Do you like the color?  The curtains?  The bedding?  The bed?  Does your stuff take up about as much room as hers?  Do you have any artwork on the walls to match hers?  Did you choose the carpet?  Do you think the place would benefit from a stuffed moose's head?

Now, I'm not advocating that you turn your marital bower into a sports bar.  But a few pieces of tasteful erotic art, a rug you chose, a bedspread you like, or an award you won are all suggested.  If the place is filled with flowers and stuff you don't know what it is but it looks breakable and important, then get some crap of your own to balance it out.  For every item of decoration she has, you should have an element of your own.  Candles, sconces, dogs playing poker, anything but a busty cheek trying to sell you beer is fair game. Personally, I display a big sharp pointy sword on the wall as a counterpoint to the many feminine objects in my bedroom.

But if you do nothing else . . . get rid of the damn pillows.  She only needs a few.  Unless they are being actively used as sexual props, there is no reason to protect your bed with that many pillows.  Take ownership of your bedroom and let her know that this is a neutral place for you both, not her room that you sleep in.  By sweeping away the clutter, adding a few suggestive pieces, and re-claiming the marital bed in a masculine way you can help bring a little psychological parity into it.  Both of you need to feel comfortable and aroused -- and if you think of bed as "her turf", that isn't going to be easy.

UPDATE:  As commentor Windswept, below, cogently pointed out decor and lack of pillows doesn't mean a thing if the over-all effect still doesn't invite an erotic response.  Seriously, dudes, handle your shit.  We all have pocket contents -- they define who we are, to some extent.  But that doesn't mean they have to explode all over the place every night.

So fellas, do this: clean your room, thoroughly.  Then buy a tastefully masculine wicker basket you can place on your dresser -- you can even find one with a lid, if you'd like.  Then find a tastefully masculine looking container for receipts that ACTUALLY NEED TO BE KEPT next to it.  If so inclined, also include a spare change jar, possibly matching the other features.  Have a trash can nearby, too, if you don't already (and make sure you make a point of emptying the damn thing when it's half full).

When you're ready to bed down, watch, wallet, keys, pocket knife, and other gentlemanly crap in your basket.  Change goes into the change jar -- you'll make it part of your secret nookie fund, if you're wise.  Important receipts in the container (clear to file at the end of the month).  Everything else is trash.

You should never have more than one book and two magazines next to your bed.  Make a point not to let them accumulate.

And clothes . . . get your own hamper.  Seriously.  If it's dirty, dispose of it.  If it's clean (even "mostly clean") then roll it up and place it neatly near by your other clean clothes.  If you're wise, you'll have another, larger wicker basket for such transitional laundry.  But don't throw it on the floor.  Have some respect -- the bedroom is your sexual arena, your stage, your laboratory and workshop.  Treat it accordingly.  Would you go to a mechanic whose tools were strewn all over his garage?  Would you trust a craftsman who couldn't maintain his workshop?  The desire to "mark our territory" with our messes is strong in men, but there's a place for that: the man cave.  Your bedroom is not your man cave.

And ladies, when confronted with this issue, there are a few ways you can choose to handle it.

First, the traditional Blue Pill approach: nag him about it.  That sets up resentment, is a DLV for him, and brings conflict to the issue, because he's going to interpret it as an attempt at territorial control and react accordingly.  He might even do it to temporarily appease you, but before you know it he'll be back to his old habits and you'll be nagging him about it again.

Or you could try the Red Pill approach and manipulate him with sex -- that's good Girl Game.  Believe me, it's your best bet.  Mrs. Ironwood had to contend with that, once upon a time.  After fighting a losing battle with me for years over it, she got sick of the nagging and the passive-aggressiveness of my response.  So for my birthday she bought me a complete, masculine-looking set of wicker and wood containers and included a note that said, more or less, "Organization makes me wet" and then went on to richly reward me for cleaning up my shit.

She repeated with more positive reinforcement the next few times it started to get messy ("I'll be wearing a piece of clothing to bed for every piece of clutter on your dresser", "the smell of Pledge makes me horny", "when you finish straightening up your dresser you can dust them with my panties").  After a while, if she wasn't happy with the state of my side of the room, when I'd try to initiate she'd tell me that she was really feeling like watching me clean the bedroom naked to music, and I'd take the hint.

As the lady said, "A man will put up with just about anything if he thinks it's foreplay".  Just make sure you give him the treat at the end of the trick, make sure he knows it's important and why, and after you've mentioned it once, don't mention it again for a while.  Give him a chance to handle his business.  And if he doesn't -- make him take you to a nice, clean hotel room before you give it up.

Dudes, clean is sexy to women.  Always.  Even when she's being "dirty", she doesn't want to be distracted by clutter, dirt, and dust.  Cobwebs aren't sexy.  Dirty clothes aren't sexy.  So handle your business and clean up your act.


  1. Thanks for the tips. We'll be moving soon and I will have a new bedroom to decorate. I'm not big on frou-frou anyway, but I think I'll take a little extra care with the fabrics.

  2. Amen to this. Great advice. I'm going to take action very soon. My apartment is filled with stupid woman shit. Empty perfume bottles as decoration? How have I tolerated this?

  3. I have never understood why women love pillows so much. There is no need for more than 2 pillows per person.

  4. I'm surprised you didn't include cleanliness in this post.

    While our bedroom is tastefully decorated with colors and decor we both approved and more masculine than feminine, certainly no overwhelming displays of girlie stuff, his side of things are never clean or straight. Always full of clothes both clean and dirty, shoes, magazines, books, discarded receipts, pocket junk, and more...all his. It's an act of congress to even dust his dresser and nightstand. I don't like being in the room at all. It's not inviting, not pleasant, doesn't do anything to draw me in.

  5. I thought it was a given, but good point. I think I'll add an update.

  6. So I have to laugh a little as I look at the harpoon that we have leaning up against my husbands dresser and the collection of baseball caps that line the top of my dresser. I think we have a good balance going on - and I didn't even realize it. If you are counting we have 6 pillows - not fancy ones - normal pillows on our bed.

  7. Spent a lot of time turning our room into a love den.

    Queen size bed atop a raised platform/dresser, topped with a postless canopy with mosquito netting. A wall mural of the french riveria. Faux columns and arches frame the mural and window (which serves as the headboard. Floor to ceiling mirrored closet doors (Bi-folds are cool as you can 'point' the mirrors anywhere you need), Even have mirrors above the bed which are covered by a muslin sheet when not in 'use'. Bench at the foot of the bed, with a padded top, regular storage and a hidden drawer for our toys. Concealed hook in the ceiling for when things get a little crazy. All kinds of lighting options (including my lava lamp - LOL). Dark, rich colors and rich fabrics.... Yes... built with lovemaking in mind.

    Yes, she clutters the top of the amoire, and I keep my bookshelf/nightstand a little messy. We playfully argue over the number of pillows. But as I make the bed more often than not, fewer and fewer become displayed. It's a room I proudly 'show off' - No pretenses about the purpose of the room.

    Though, I kinda wished we hadn't put in hardwood in the bedroom - carpeting absorbs sounds so much better


  8. Dude. Get a rug. Bearskin is nice. Or you can invest twenty bucks in a big piece of faux fur at a fabric store. Believe me, it's worth the investment.

    But it sounds like you have the rest of it down. My only other suggestions would be to make sure you have good control over the music available, and that you invest in a remote-control lighting switch.

    Seriously, I picked one of these up at Christmas, used for controlling outdoor lighting displays. My bedroom doesn't have a central light (we have a skylight, instead) and one of the biggest interruptions to my night-night routine was having to get up and turn off all of the lamps before getting back into bed. Small inconvenience, but it could really break the flow.

    But the first time she asked me to turn out the lights and I just hit three buttons and they were out, she was seriously impressed. It remains one of the better "Star Trekky" innovations I've made to the bedroom.

  9. Great article Ian. Some of this red pill stuff is so counter-intuitive for guys raised to be beta. Great blog.

  10. Rick: I want pictures!! What fabulous ideas!

    Ironically, my husband asked me to paint one dark blue wall (that came with the house) back to the lighter color. Guess he's not much for rich, dark colors. Don't care, since the toy drawer is already established. ;)

  11. I have always taken into consideration that a man lives in our bedroom too. I choose colours that lean to the masculine side (burgandy/aubergine) and skip anything floral. Even with sheets, they are neutral or manly colours. Same with the bathroom, I don't make my husband use girly coloured towels/bathmat.
    I know a woman who uses hot pink bed sheets, pillows everywhere etc and all I could think when she told me was - geez, how nice of you to consider your husband...I bet he hates it.