- The Masculexicon
- Red Pill Pearls Of Wisdom
- Red Pill Resources
- Ian's Books
- Prefeminist Artist of the Month: Rudy Nappi!
- Prefeminist Artist Of The Month: Coby Whitmore!
- Prefeminist Artist Of The Month: Earl Moran
- The Revolt Of The Goddesses: A Mythopoetic Ode To Feminism
- The Ironwood Initiative: Taking Out The Trash (Patriarchy 2.0)
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
What "The Stir Bloggers" (because nothing lends credibility to a story like the anonymous plural) mention in her article, however, is not sex addiction. You can read the piece yourself, but the headline is that this woman married a dude, who is by all accounts a good husband and father, but . . . shudder . . . he wants sex. With her. Every day.
Apparently Cupcake couldn't handle it. She expected his libido to fade in conjunction with hers like "normal" people, but he persisted in being a regular guy . . . which means that he wants sex with his wife every day. After years of dealing with his daily initiation and her usual rejection, she couldn't stand (or understand, apparently) why he might get frustrated. She starts to pray he has an affair, but he's . . . shudder . . . a loyal husband and father, and despite his wife's apparent frigidity, he still loves her enough so that he's not going to give her an out by cheating on her. "I wished he would turn to other women, but as the long-suffering husband, I don’t think his psyche would allow for it." It doesn't enter her pretty little head that he might just be, y'know, a good husband and father . . . it has to be his ego and mental state (Beta) that she takes issue with. He doesn't cheat because he's not man enough to cheat.
He turns to porn and she's hopeful . . . until he starts realizing all of the other sex their not having, too. That just makes it worse. "The porn further warped his sexual expectations, and his bitterness at my continued reluctance to be physically intimate with him more than three or four times a week grew." Further warped his sexual expectations . . . as if his expectations of a healthy sex life were already warped.
But he still won't leave her. He still won't do anything to cause a divorce because he's a stand-up guy. The fact that she's no longer attracted to him isn't going to make him back out of his commitment. He committed. She committed. There are kids involved.
Only Cupcake just . . . can't . . . take it anymore. She cringes at his touch. Her hamster is spinning: how do I get out of a relationship with a man I don't find attractive anymore if he won't cheat?
"Try Sex Addiction", the Hamster says.
So wanting sex with your wife every day - which the vast majority of husbands are guilty of - is enough sign of "sex addiction" to give this woman the rationalization she needs to destroy her family. Because her husband "thought he owned my body" (the same body she presumedly had the day she married him and committed to being in a monogamous sexual relationship with him) he was a mentally ill monster who deserved to have his children ripped from his home. Finally, he gets so mad . . . he hits a pillow.
Not her. Not a kid. Not a wall, a window, a walrus or a whale, he hit a freakin' pillow and his wife -- who had been habitually rejecting him for months if not years and denying any responsibility in the relationship -- freaks out. That's violence. A Beta lost control. He's a sex addict, the Hamster whispered. He's dangerous, the Hamster whispered. You can do better, the Hamster whispered.
It didn't matter that "The kids were anxious a lot." Fuck the kids' lives - this was her body she was dealing with. Nothing was more important than that. "A few months after the pillow-hitting incident, I hired an attorney and filed for divorce. I moved out with the kids with nothing but the photo albums, some clothes, and my car." Spin, Hamster, Spin.
And the happy ending to the tragic story of one woman's struggle not to live up to her commitment to herself, her husband, her children, and whichever deity is applicable?
"Then all hell broke loose, because all of a sudden I was the heartless bitch that left her devoted, loyal husband without just cause. I’ve been called a whore to my face. I’ve lost friends, and acquaintances look at me with pity reserved for those that are making major mistakes. I’ve been told I’m ruining my kids’ lives, but the truth is that they’re doing better than ever."
Uh . . .what? The kids are doing better than ever because mom doesn't have to have sex with dad anymore and live in a stable household?
Really, what kind of message does that send? To her daughter it says "if you don't like something you committed to, you can find some excuse to leave - and you don't have to have sex with your husband". To her son it says "women are fragile, flaky creatures who cannot be trusted to live up to their commitments or be held accountable for their actions, despite their insistence on equality - and you had better watch it, because if you piss off your wife you'll lose your kids, too".
And when it comes to her recovering, getting back in the dating sphere again post-wall, hoping to sucker another Beta into a commitment, she's going to have to deal with the response to "Yes, I divorced my last husband because he wanted to have sex too much."
I don't foresee a lot of second dates in her future. Therapy, yes.
This is what Eat Pray Love looks like, fellas, with a vicious twist: she turned a healthy male sexuality into a creeping, destroying mental illness, and in order to claim "I’m doing better too. My body is mine again, and I will never again let someone convince me that I don’t have total ownership over it" this woman was willing to sacrifice the lives of everyone in her family. Her husband will be bitter and angry, her children will be resentful and hurt, and her friends in the Matrix will offer her support while secretly delighting in her misery. All so she could feel like she was in control of her body again.
I'm certain that will bring her daughter some solace when she's being eyed by a succession of her mother's future boyfriends. I'm sure that will soothe her son when he flips out in rebellion or collapses into sour emohood in revulsion, once he understands exactly what happened to his childhood.
This is a FAIL. This is what happens when you let the Hamster drive the bus. How are we, as men, supposed to take feminism seriously when we're supposed to a) afford women equal respect but b) can't trust them to live up to their commitments? This woman's body was hers. It was hers the day she chose to marry her husband, and after that it was community property, as was his.
His demands weren't abusive, they were merely frequent. Her tarnishing him as a Sex Addict - essentially pathologizing male sexuality - was a cheap shot straight from the Hamster Wheel . . . and you can bet dollars to diaphragms she's going to regret it bitterly herself someday.
So how did the public respond to this victimization? While there were plenty of "atta-girls", of course, there were some choice ripostes:
"Ahhh yes..women are the perpetual victims..its always the guy's fault.I often encourage every single guy that i know not to walk the plank (get married) because at any given time for any given reason he can lose everything because a d@mn woman decides that she wants out or that she's unhappy and viola: even if he was faithful/and husband of the year--he has nothing.Any dude who wants to get hitched these days is a glutton for punishment and a masochist."
"So you marry young, stupid, & fast then get upset that he has an average, normal male sex drive?!? then after not having sex with him bc you're too tired (despite him working & being tired too) you're mad he's taking care of the issue himself!?!?!? then you whine about wanting him to cheat- which if he had this would be a boo hoo pity, pity poor me article. I can see why the author didn't put her name next to this article. it's an absolute disgusting embarrassment - Nice way to skate your part in taking the easy way out of a marriage, also give it 5 years with your new relationship & we'll see this same poor me bs bc he will want a healthy, normal sex life "
"Oh my, the excuses women come up with to divorce..."
"This is a perfect example of a woman who should never have gotten married. She says that the sex should die down after a while. WHY? Who says? I'm positive her husband didn't say that. In fact, I'll bet my ENTIRE paycheck, life savings AND retirement, that she NEVER uttered a word about her true feelings about sex to her future husband! So, they are going at it hot & heavy all the time. He's thinking, "This is great, she can keep up with me." And all the time, she thinking, after "I do"; I won't have to ever again. Typical frigid shrew that doesn't express herself, and then blames the guy because of her lies, her shortcomings."
"This is whats wrong w women today. They trap these men under false guise and then complain when they are the ones who change. They dont do the same they did in the beginning. Maybe the writer was the one w a low self esteem to jump like that w anyone. Everyone is entitled to an opinion but the world was a better place in the 1950s when women did submit to their husbands n stop trying to emasculate them and rule the house."
"I'm a male and really found your article informative [from a male perspective). My ex-gf left me similar to how you left your husband. I'm sure he had no clue and was crushed emotionally [like I was]. Even though he was physically stronger than you, you held the key to his heart emotionally. I wasn't there but I do believe that after you married him, you had second thoughts about what "forever" really means [and that's ok]. We have a right to change our minds about how we feel in America. IMHO, a stronger women could have tamed him if she truly loved him for who he was. I just think the flame went out for you but he thought he married the women to spend his life with."
From a therapist:
"Without wanting to offend you it appears you continue to take the "victim" role in this marriage gone by and I have read little about how you share or take responsibility for the failure of the marriage from your end? Instead you seem to blame it on his sex "addiction" best wishes" Ouch.
"once again, entitled women that are too busy with themselves to recognise their husbands physical needs for intimacy, not just sex. seriously girls put out ffs and you might keep your husbands happy. men are pretty simple beings"
"I understand her ex-husbands frustration completely. Woman don't understand that sex to a man is a need not a want."
"Despite the effect this will have on the kids I think the real winner out of this is your husband. I could not imagine the drain it would take coming home to someone with your outlook on life after a hard days work."
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
In fact, I'll go further and state that intelligence was one of my top 3 selection criteria for my personal wife search. I overlooked a lot of potential issues in Mrs. Ironwood's vetting due to her magnificently huge brain. Intelligence is one of those traits that can be conserved or squandered, genetically speaking, and ensuring that the future mother of my children was super-smart AND capable of sustaining an academically nurturing environment for our young was of paramount importance.
That's a key point: there are plenty of smart women out there. There are even plenty of attractive, smart women out there. But when a woman has focused her energies exclusively on her career achievements, she has begun to select herself out of the reproductive process with any reasonably intelligent man. It's not a matter of being "intimidated by smart women", it's a simple cost/benefit analysis. Perhaps one you ladies are not considering. .
From a man's perspective - particularly a man who is consciously searching for a hetero life partner ("wife") - when sizing up a potential bride he should (and often does) balance her intelligence against her achievement in making the crucial "potential/no potential" for commitment decision.
(You see ladies, while you can decide whether or not you would sleep with any given man in the first 30 seconds you meet him, we're looking at every woman out there when we're single with the "could I live with her forever?" decision. And yeah, mostly y'all fail.)
When a man is evaluating a woman for mating potential, if she has demonstrated more devotion to her career goals than her personal goals, she is a poor matrimonial risk regardless of her intelligence. If she has a proven predilection for adding a man into her life as an afterthought or corporate fashion accessory, then yeah, don't marry her. Screw her, sure. But after six weeks you'll quickly realize that no matter how bountiful the sex is, she's never, ever going to put you on the same level as her career.
A lot of dudes make the mistake of thinking that will change, once she's in a relationship - and to be fair, sometimes it does. Mrs. I didn't look like a great candidate for Mom in some ways, but I was confident that she would and I was vindicated. When the feces hit the fan she quit her job and focused on her family, not the other way around. She took a lot of heat from that from her feminist-oriented friends, but she's stood resolute in the face of her criticism.
Most recently she had to defend me to her BFF and her sister when they both tried to crab-basket her (both women adore me, but when a woman is in trouble the VERY FIRST thing that her Grooming Circle will attack is her man, regardless of the situation) by demanding to know why, in the face of our challenges, she hadn't essentially assumed control of the relationship and saved everything? If the family was in trouble, then clearly I wasn't doing my job. She was too smart to let such disaster happen to her -- she deserved better. Therefore she should consider either a mutiny or abandoning ship.
Because that's what "smart women" do. They get divorced when they aren't happy. While they weren't going as far as saying that she should reconsider her marriage, they were following the natural Matrix pattern of Blaming The Male and Encouraging Her To Seize Control. It didn't matter that I just essentially pulled Christmas out of my ass and kept us out of serious debt by writing my ass off while being a spectacular husband and father, what mattered was that their sister in their Grooming Circle was troubled, and they were trying to "help". And when women in the Matrix try to "help", there is almost always at least one hidden agenda.
But they were genuinely concerned, I have no doubt. Mrs. I has left a stable career path and has essentially made herself utterly financially dependent upon me for the near future, and the fact that she was thus dependent but didn't have absolute control over the entire situation disturbed them at a molecular level. "Smart women" always have absolute control. That's how you know they're smart. A woman not in absolute control of the relationship is clearly not doing the "smart" thing. Usually, that's where doubt will creep into an insecure wife's heart. Instead . . .
Mrs. Ironwood let them have it.
She told them that in a true partnership and a functional (Red Pill) marriage (which neither had experience with - one of them was divorced three times, the other has yet to marry) a good wife didn't try to grab the wheel out of her husband's hands while he was trying to steer through a reef, in so many words. I had proven my value and worth by Getting Shit Done when it mattered. I'd passed my test with flying colors, and as I made virtually all of the money now, yes, she was more than willing to "let me" decide how it got spent. She said it far more nicely than that, and after topping it with an impassioned review of the ways in which I had Got Shit Done in the last year, she told them that she was smart enough to know when she'd picked a winner.
Of course they took issue with that. "Smart women" don't let themselves fall to the mercy of their husbands. They're always ready to cut and run and find greener pastures. Her unwillingness to even consider that perhaps the problem might be me was an affront to the Matrix. Even though they were properly castigated by Mrs. I, they still felt that she was, somehow, betraying herself and her family by not grabbing the wheel out of my hand. They were even willing to help her "convince" me that I should really let her make policy and control the situation.
Mrs. Ironwood stood firm, unlike the majority of women out there who are all-too-happy to hear from their Grooming Circles why they should ditch their men and find a better deal. She wasn't about to let her two closest friends "convince" her that she should really take over for the good of the family. She demonstrated true intelligence - the kind I married her for - by resisting the urge to listen to her personal Matrix when they told her something that was clearly against her best interest. She was intelligent enough to pick a winner. Most women aren't.
But then again, she's exceptional. That's why I married her.
If you single ladies want to be considered exceptional too, then stop leading with your resume. A woman proud of her position and achievement over her ability to create a positive family life has "future ex-wife" written all over her. Sure, your job gives you security and shows that you aren't afraid of work or are looking for a sugar daddy, but we're not going to be impressed by it, in general. It's not a matter of intimidation, it's a matter of knowing that the woman you're seeing just isn't going to have time enough for you and a relationship, much less a family.
And if you're married and want your husband to keep a firm hand on the wheel, stop trying to rip it out from his fingers. Yes, he may hit a reef. Reefs happen. If he does, a "smart woman" often heads for the lifeboats prematurely, only to discover a decade later (when he's remarried and doing breathtakingly, spectacularly well with his new, younger wife) that they ditched a perfectly good -- perhaps even exceptional -- boat in mid-voyage. But a truly intelligent woman will understand that she picked a winner and stick with him, and help him fix the damn boat.
And they don't give diplomas for that.
Monday, January 27, 2014
The premise of the argument is that if competition and ambition are good for women to demonstrate, then caring and compassion and a desire to raise their children and be a part of their lives are just as good for men to demonstrate. Because, according to Slaughter "We don't observe that desire on the part of many men today, in the same way that we didn't used to see the competitive side of women."
This, despite the fact that there are tens of thousands of men who desperately desire to do just that, but have been prohibited from doing so by a women-oriented family court system. This, despite the dramatic rise in the number of dads who are dispensing care and enjoying it. Despite this gross misrepresentation of the deep masculine desire to father (she can't bring herself to use the term, selecting the gender-neutral "caregiving" instead), Slaughter insists "Men are still socialized to groom their competitive instincts and suppress their caring sides."
You wanna know why? It's a big secret: because sex is the primary motivational factor in a man's life, and being socialized to groom their caring sides gets them personally, socially, and psychologically mangled in the pursuit of that motivating factor. Men groom their competitive instincts because they compete for the attention and the sexual availability of women. And yes, we are groomed to suppress our caring sides, because over-empathizing with your competitors is counter-indicated to the whole idea of competition. But to conclude that it is therefore missing or underdeveloped is an error.
That's equivalent of a dude bragging to his friends, “Yeah, she’s got a face like a trainwreck and she’s lousy in the sack, but she makes so much cash I don’t have to lift a goddamn finger!” It might be a practical advantage, but you don’t score social points for it. On the contrary, you lose points.
That leaves the Beta AFCs who become domesticated out of economic necessity, who might be attracted to the vitality of a corporate feminist but who is under the mistaken impression that he can expect the kind of domestic loyalty and rejection of hypergamy he thinks marriage entails.
At the very best, you will always live a contentious life of negotiated intimacy and rigid boundaries that makes a mockery of the partnership of marriage. These corporate feminists who suddenly see a husband as this season’s must-have accessory to break the glass ceiling, not a partner worthy of a life-changing commitment. To them, their careers will always take priority over their relationships, their children, and their families.
Men value a husband based on how well his family functions and how he gets along with his wife, and his domestic responsibilities are part of that reflection but not a significant part. Women value a husband in a lot of ways, and caregiving is certainly among them, but the idea of basing their mating preferences on a man’s nurturing is foreign to feminine sensibilities.
While you talk of valuing these men for their caregiving, you do so in a feminist climate that has continuously denigrated the roles of husband and father for four decades. What you propose instead is an emasculating and matronizing rationalization of a dysfunctional system.
Praising men for being more like women does no one favors. It certainly doesn’t help those poor AFCs stuck in the shadows of their wives until they get discarded.
Quite the contrary, it’s just cruel of you. Stop objectifying husbands like they were handbags. It makes you look fat.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Attractiveness is not an in-born trait -- beauty is. Attractiveness is not bound by youth or age or dress size. When you evaluate your potential future bride on the basis of her attractiveness, how hot she is - believe it or not - should be a relatively minor consideration. Whether or not she can make and keep herself attractive is far more important.
Most men simply do not appreciate the high art that feminine beauty and fashion entails for a woman of even modest means if she's to make even a half-hearted attempt at being attractive. We're spoiled by the ten-minute shit/shower/shave routine we mastered when we were twenty and haven't varied much in the decades since. We appreciate the result of her efforts of course . . . sometimes . . . but we rarely appreciate the hours and hours of study and experimentation a woman has to undertake before she can say that she's mastered the art.
It's complicated, and many short-sighted men consider it a waste. But the importance of a woman's ability to be attractive is a fundamental cornerstone of your relationship with your wife, just as much as your ability to hold down a decent job. This is especially important if a man has aspirations of having a family, but not for the obvious reasons. A wife certainly needs to maintain her husband's attraction, but far beyond that a mother has to be able to navigate the much-harder channels of the Mommy Matrix.
Tarting yourself up enough to get an erection out of your husband is easy. Dressing up with just the right
focus on fashion, cosmetics, hair, shoes and accessories to communicate your position and rank to the rest of the Mommy Matrix is the real challenge. Husbands who dismiss this factor as unimportant are inadvertently dismissing a very important element in their wive's social matrix. Really, it doesn't matter whether or not you'd do her . . . she can whip her girls out and get that reaction.
When she asks "How do I look?", she's looking for validation of her selection and reaction to the end-product of her efforts. She's not trying to be sexually attractive, she's trying to be socially attractive, and those standards are very different.
It's often been said that women dress for other women, not men, and there's a lot of truth to that. But I would say it's more important to realize that women have to dress for women first, unless they are overtly mating, before they are concerned with the judgment of men.
Mating is, of course, inextricably wound with attractiveness in that it is the perpetual force that impels feminine action even when no actual mating is going on. Mating is the context for attraction. But it is important to understand that the perceptions of men and women on the subject are largely filtered by their perspective. Men see feminine attractiveness from the perspective of judgment, while women see it from the perspective of competition.
Women do not make themselves attractive to attract men, they make themselves attractive to socially dominate women by displaying their ability to attract men. Being attractive to a woman is the social equivalent of having big muscles as a dude. Just displaying them acts as a deterrent against potential competition. But like big muscles, attractiveness requires constant maintenance and no little expense.
Many men will mistake beauty and youth for attractiveness. They see their wives in their prime reproductive years when their hormonally-charged young bodies are buffing their base attractiveness. "Natural Beauty" is a big draw, of course, and the frosting of youth makes it all that more appealing.
But when you're evaluating your future bride, you should look beyond "Natural Beauty" and take a cold, hard look at what Mrs. Ironwood calls "girl skills": her ability to make herself appropriately socially attractive.
The Wife Test: Wardrobe Madness
When Mrs. Ironwood and I first started co-habitating, we were young, poor, broke all the time . . . and compelled to be very social. We were at that age where some of our friends were getting married, some were having kids, and some were dying young. One particular weekend found us hitting the jackpot: our social and filial obligations promised a very, very full Saturday.
We began the day with a 6 year old birthday party, then progressed to a business luncheon, thence to a memorial service and lastly to a formal night-time wedding. Four separate wardrobe changes. Four hours on the road between engagements. Brutal.
Mrs. I didn't blink. Chalk it up to her own mother's training in such matters, her debutante skills or her extended stint running a retail cosmetics counter, the future Mrs. I managed all four wardrobe changes, including three footwear changes, in the car on the way. She arrived at each even properly attired and made-up, displaying the proper accessories and shoes for the occasion and comporting herself with dignity and grace.
At one point I realized that the elegant young woman dancing with the groom was the same one who had squatted in the middle of a ring of six-year-olds for a rousing game of duck-duck-goose that morning, and then had cried in earnest sympathy with our grieving friends that afternoon. She still looked as if she'd spent all day at the salon. Her versatility and knowledge of her own capability for attractiveness demonstrated a competency and dedication that I found admirable . . . and highly desirable in a mate.
When vetting your future bride, consider a similar challenge: several different social events in rapid succession, requiring a re-tooling of her presentation for each. Moving from formal to business to casual to other in no particular order will be a challenge worth observing. Believe it or not, how attractive she is really isn't the most important factor in this test.
Things to consider: Does she complain bitterly about the pressure or does she accept it gracefully? Is she demanding and disrespectful as she completes her transformation, or does she do so coolly and without recrimination? Does she blame you for stuff that is clearly outside of your control? Does she arrive more or less complete, or does she need another 15 minutes in the ladies' room to finish up? Does she have a wardrobe sufficient for her needs or does she try to employ clothes that are not quite appropriate to the occasion? Does she have the proper undergarments and outergarments to support her wardrobe selection? Is she vocally critical about some perceived flaw in her features, or does she work with what she has without complaint? And how is the final product? Is the juice worth the squeeze?
And just how long did it take? That can be a vital metric to know. I once had a girlfriend who couldn't get ready to go to class without three wardrobe changes and a 45 minute temper-tantrum about her hair. Formal occasions were nightmares, a perpetual blow to her self-esteem. Mrs. Ironwood usually only needs 20-30 minutes for everyday prep, twice that for business or formal. That's not unreasonable.
Remember, the end result should be evaluated on a relative basis, not how hard she makes your dick. Appropriate dress and makeup for the occasion is key, as is preparation and execution.
She need not turn every head in the room, but as long as she looks good on your arm she's achieved her goal. Few women really want to be the most attractive woman in the room . . . just one of the more attractive. Out-shining the other women singles her out for unwanted attention, not from male lotharios but from female be-yatches who are looking to score social points by cutting down the weak and poorly-dressed.
Of course it goes without saying that the sexual attraction side of things should get some attention, too. While you're probably pretty happy just to have her boobs in your face, a woman who has mastered the art of attraction remembers that her sexual presentation is as important as her sexual performance. Being able to dress formal, business or casual for a particular event should be complemented by the ability to appear enticingly attractive in an intimate setting.
Shucking off the little black dress at the end of the night should be able to lead to pulling on something more seductive, and repairing your hair and make-up appropriately, not Noxema and comfy jammies. Being able to segue from attractive-formal to attractive intimate without fuss or hand-wringing is the epitome of a woman's attractiveness skills.
Being able to maintain your attractiveness over the years is also important, much to the dismay of feminists everywhere. Age might sap her beauty, but it doesn't necessarily decrease her attractiveness. Those skills stay with her. Indeed, fighting the effects of gravity, slower metabolism and age in general make attractiveness a high feminine art. Mistaking youth for beauty or attractiveness has led to some depressingly lackluster pairings.
And while some women don't feel obligated to make themselves up for their husbands on the basis that they don't feel the need to impress him, and they feel that he's already seen what she has a million times, wiser women understand that feminine allure is a subtle art that demands study, dedication, and no little expense to do well. Deciding that you don't need to make the effort for hubby anymore might sound "mature" but what it actually is (whether he voices this or not) is "disrespectful". When you decide your husband just doesn't care, so why make the effort, you're telling him subconsciously that you no longer consider his opinion valuable.
When you just stop trying because he's not telling you how ravishing you look to your satisfaction, regardless of what you think is going on, he'll notice. And not in a good way. Once he notices that you aren't trying anymore, his attraction to you is almost destined to fail eventually without intervention. It also deprives him of the opportunity to sincerely complement your efforts on his own. And that's a dangerous first step toward seeking validation of your femininity from somewhere else.
Attractiveness is a slippery issue, highly subjective and open to interpretation. but it's also a key Wife Skill, and one that should be vetted for religiously.
Friday, January 3, 2014
If one uses a drug study as a metaphor - an apt one for the Red Pill - then 2012 would have been Phase I, when I figured out the nuts and bolts, began to understand the underlying dynamics, and witnessed first hand the effect of taking charge of my relationship, my family, and my life. I took my wife on a Big Date, helped her through some difficulties at work, and demonstrated (not dictated) that I was the Captain of my little ship, the lord of Stately Ironwood Manor.
I saw my family prosper, my career surge, and my relationship with my wife blossom sexually and emotionally. We capped it with a Vegas vacation and hopeful expectations for the new year. 2012 demonstrated to me the efficacy of male dominance and Married Game in leading my house, not just being my wife's husband and my kid's father. In 2012 Red Pill Phase I was a qualified success.
Of course, as they say, anyone can be a good scoutmaster at a court of honor. But when the scout is bleeding and you're 15 miles from the nearest road, that's the true test of a scoutmaster. Taking the Red Pill under relatively normal suburban professional conditions was one thing . . . but could the principals behind the Red Pill stand up to adversity?
Enter 2013: the year of Serious Adverse Events.
Let's begin with my son's abduction, the consequences of which we are still dealing with. When someone takes your kid without your knowledge or permission with potentially harmful intent, even if they bring him back, and then declares their intention of repeating the crime, it challenges your sense of security and normalcy to the extreme. I cannot help but reflect how I would have responded pre-Red Pill and compare it to how I responded post-Red Pill.
BLUE PILL: Would have protested and played the Outraged Father for a few moments, then grimly stood back and let my wife lead the discussion, abandoning the course of events to her decision-making under the guise of "deferring to her matronly wisdom out of husbandly respect". We would likely have been cajoled and persuaded to let the matter pass, no harm, no foul.
RED PILL: Took the lead and aggressively challenged the school administration's policies, got the state board involved, reviewed the pertinent laws and regulations, and demanded accountability and change. Regardless of what effects my actions may or may not have had (people were fired), my approach to the matter was dramatically altered by the Red Pill perspective. I went in as a dominant force, not a quietly glowering and ultimately ineffectual crutch for my wife. Indeed, while Mrs. Ironwood did supply a lot of the data and the "good cop" persuasion in our deliberations, I consistently led the discussion and provided verbal muscle when things faltered.
RESULT: Mrs. Ironwood was immensely pleased how I handled the matter, taking the verbal point to keep her from having to do so. I was physically protective and dominating which allowed her to do the verbal dueling in her sweet Southern manner. We worked with near telepathic efficiency, and when it came to her wanting to hamster off into dark corners I held her firmly to the task. No excuses. No rationalizations. All accountability.
Next, let's examine the other big deal in 2013, my Niece (and former nanny) using our distraction with the abduction and the lengthy recover to rob us blind.
BLUE PILL: I would have pronounced my profound disappointment and frustration and then sank back into a gloom while Mrs. Ironwood did damage control. Would have likely allowed filial pressure and the "forgiveness" vibe persuade me to allow her to go on with her downward spiral, my hands washed of her. Spice is an ugly drug to get addicted to, and I would have probably tried to get her into some sort of group assistance plan. Hell, I might even have been persuaded to pay for it.
RED PILL: Once the nature and extent of my Niece's (and her boyfriend's) larceny became clear - and it was extensive, they'd been going through our attic, my wife and daughter's jewelry boxes, my shed, stolen the kid's electronics and pawned them, etc - I kicked her out, went to the police with the evidence, and had warrants issued for them both. Since she was a family member my homeowners' insurance didn't cover it, but I didn't let that stop me.
RESULT: Both of them are now at-large, running from the law. When the time comes, I will testify to put her in jail. I want him to understand the unique joy of being the prettiest Quaker boy on the cellblock for a few months. I'm not worried one bit that I have ruined their lives by prosecuting them for a felony, as I would have been in my Blue Pill days. Once I took charge of the boat, my focus became my family. When she elected herself out of that category by openly betraying our generosity, she got out of my boat. As much as I still love her, I also understand that how I react and respond to this has a far, far larger impact on my children and their perception of me than whatever happens to her. My first duty, under the Red Pill, is my wife and children. Fuck with that and you're putting your pecker in the pincers, no excuses. My remaining duty to my Niece involves holding her Accountable. See a pattern evolving here?
Lastly, let's examine the dramatic shift of personal dynamics at Stately Ironwood Manor: After the abduction and my niece's shenanigans were keeping us busy, Mrs. Ironwood sustained a major assault on her career by a former mentor who decided to crab-basket her former pupil out of the limelight . . . by challenging her integrity. Almost none of you know Mrs. Ironwood personally, but let me assure you that Mrs. I protects her integrity like a Vestal protects her virtue. It is to her industry what creativity is to mine.
BLUE PILL: I would have advised her to bite the bullet, accept the tacit admission of wrongdoing and a fault on her integrity, and slog through a job that she otherwise loved and that we had already sacrificed so much for. I would have offered to sacrifice even more, taking on additional household burdens to keep her in her job. I would have praised her diligence and duty to her family, making light of the implications of her continued employment.
RED PILL: I told her to quit her fucking job.
That's a big deal. When you, as a couple, have devoted more than a decade to a particular career and have made sacrifices and life changes to accommodate it, you both have a stake in that career. Mrs. I left a fulfilling, financially rewarding post with a prestigious title and a springboard into the stratosphere of her industry . . . because her kids and husband needed her more than she needed a career.
(Lean into that, bitches.)
Don't mistake me, Mrs. I hasn't left her industry. She's just gone from full-time rock star executive to part-time work-from-home consultant and author. As a result she has taken a severe pay cut, and our household income dove by more than half. More importantly, she's able to pick the kids up from school every day and oversee their homework, keep the house picked up (I still do the lion's share of the cooking, thankfully), and generally provide maternal support for our three middle schoolers . . . and wifely support for me.
I still remember the day she told me she was terminated, vividly. She looked me in the eye tearfully and told me, bluntly, "So, you wanted to do the stay-at-home-wife, dominant-husband thing, Ian? Well, you're about to get it . . . good and hard!"
Note to all you nascent Red Pill husbands out there: it is oftentimes easier to deal with a spirited resistance to your establishment of your dominance than it is to get sudden and critical support for it. When your wife essentially tells you that she's not just accepting your leadership, but demanding it, then you'll know real pressure. It's easy to spar with her. You get points for witty banter. But when she looks at you with tears in her eyes and says "What are we going to do?" . . . and expects you to form a cogent answer . . . then you'll know the real test of the Red Pill's power.
You'll either fold or you will hold. And there is no real way to test for that without actually doing it.
It was all gamesmanship up to then. But when your family takes three huge knocks in short succession, you can't tamely go back to the Blue Pill days, retreating into the comfort of mediocrity and anonymity. If you respond to the challenge of adversity with timidity and resignation you lose. Because if you lose respect in your wife's eyes through your failure to lead, or throw it back on her with "well, you're still responsible for half of the bills!", or any other asinine response, you lose. The only practical Red Pill response to the serious adverse event of Mrs. I's unemployment was to Shut Up And Be The Fucking Captain.
I could have done any number of things, in that situation. Under the Blue Pill it would have been permissible to whine, pout, complain, bitch, moan, blame her, blame her former employer, rant ineffectively, plot in obscurity, write a bunch of pointless letters, undermine her confidence, and demand she find another job at once.
What I actually did . . . was double down on the Red Pill. I became the Patriarch my family needed, that she needed. Instead of bitching about bills, I used the opportunity to take my overly-entitled children and teach them the Fine Art Of Being Broke. Not "being poor" -- different skill set -- but being broke. Little things, like how to leverage free events and the library and other social things into meaningful experiences. How to shop on a budget. How to fix a car on a budget. Prioritizing bills and expenses. That sort of thing.
Further, I put my money where my mouth was. Mrs. I's loss of salary, even with unemployment benefits, was pretty huge. I'm a writer. I make my living on the rent other people pay to stay at my castles in the air. So I built more castles. Last year, if you count up all of my various pseudonyms, I published 9 books in addition to a full-time job, this blog, and my Daddy duties. I pushed for the lowest-hanging fruit, leveraged my largest audience, and applied my nose rigorously to the grindstone. Instead of bitching and moaning, I got off my ass and tried to write my way out of the problem.
As a result, my kids had a far, far better Christmas than anyone could have expected, and the Ironwoods entered the new year without outstanding debt in arrearage. I held myself accountable. I wasn't going to depend on Mrs. I to come up with her half of the bills, a la the "equal partnership" rule, because this wasn't an equal partnership. We don't have equality. We have equilibrium. And the Red Pill dictates that when one side is weakened, the other side compensates. I refused to consider it "her responsibility" to get a new job, not when our kids really did need her the most, I saw it as my responsibility to do everything in my power to facilitate that. In this case that meant making more money. Simple as that.
But beyond the financial, her appreciation of my dominant position in the family has allowed her to keep her shit together under some truly trying circumstances. Sometimes all I had to do was stand there, like an immovable rock, and be a point of stability she clung to while she wept and let her emotions sweep over her. Sometimes she needed me to step up and enforce my role as Patriarch with the kids, unapologetically and without a trace of weakness. Sometimes she needed me to intercede with a client or a creditor or a teacher to allow her to get something done.
And always she wanted my praise, my approval, and yes, my guidance. While she didn't want my criticism, she bore it, and bore it gracefully for the most part. We had some tense times with all of those Serious Adverse Events, but the truth of the matter is that if I hadn't stepped it up and taken the helm with a firm, dominant hand, our ship would have veered off into the reef a hundred times.
So 2014, I so declare, will be the Year of the Red Pill, Extra Strength. If anything, I have seen just how effective the Red Pill, Married Game, and an enlightened and pragmatic understanding of gender relations and heterosexuality can be in your life. With a positive outlook on masculinity, a fresh look at femininity, and a lot of sex and communication, the Ironwoods are going to double-down on the Red Pill this year. We're going to embrace Patriarchy 2.0 and enjoy the hell out of our marriage, SAEs be damned.
As our youngest has frequently said through this last year, "Tough times don't last, tough people do", and we've lasted through some of the toughest we've seen. We're still here. I'm still writing. And there are plenty of fellas out there who need a good dose of Red Pill this year, so let's get to work.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Hospitality as a virtue has been de-emphasized in most corners of the western world. That’s a shame, as hospitality as a core masculine concept has been around since antiquity. Zeus Pater was the god of hospitality in the ancient world. Of course this was more important when a journey of a hundred miles might take months, and your survival might depend upon the hospitality of strangers. A vow of hospitality made to Zeus between two men from different countries was sometimes symbolized by breaking a coin or votive disc and giving one half to each man. To break hospitality with someone so sworn was to invite divine disaster.
Growing up in the American Southeast gave me an interesting perspective on hospitality, particularly around the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas in the South are often elaborate affairs, excuses to flaunt prosperity and achievement, renew family ties, gossip, show off children and grandchildren, and generally affirm social position. At the heart of this effort is the opening of your home to valued friends, family and colleagues and demonstrating your ability to be genuinely gracious and hospitable.
Many men consider this responsibility a chore, a tedious exercise in filial bullshit and social posturing that they too often come out the poorer for. That is because they do not understand the full implications of this display, either socially or within their marriage. They do not realize the valuable potential for buffing their Alpha through being perceived – by their wives and everyone else – as Master of the Hall.
When a couple opens up their home to entertain there are certain areas that must be seen to: food, drink, facilities, entertainment. And while most dudes are content with a bag of chips and a keg, a big screen television, and a working toilet for their comfort, the goal of hospitality is not just feeding and entertaining people, it’s a high level social display.
As every wife knows (or should) when you have people over you are inviting them to inspect and judge you. And as every wife knows, forestalling that judgment by not entertaining doesn’t postpone that judgment indefinitely, it cements it. By entertaining well and demonstrating a sincere home and a gracious hospitality you help boost your wife’s position in the Matrix . . . and properly done that can raise your relative SR in her eyes tremendously.
How do you go about this? Start by refusing to be a victim of the holidays and embrace your role as host. Yes, that means a lot of ass-busting work on your part, but lazy isn’t ALPHA. Pitch into the pre-event cleaning with dedication and thoroughness. If nothing else, hearing how your wife spent a week cleaning and you didn’t lift a finger isn’t going to do you any favors in the bedroom. Figure out what needs to be done in terms of repair and cleaning and handle your business.
Cultivating a proactive, not reactive attitude toward the event will give you an advantage. If you know that the four areas of hospitality – food, drink, comfort and entertainment – are involved, you plan accordingly.
A bag of chips might be appropriate for a football game, but it’s actually quite easy to impress your guests with your table without expending dozens of hours in the kitchen. If neither one of you cook, then relying on catering instead of serving a trainwreck of a buffet or dinner might be less dramatic of a presentation, but it does demonstrate class and attention to detail. More importantly it places the comfort of your guests at the forefront. Practically speaking, few of us can devote the time, knowledge, and resources to creating delicious, well-presented food from scratch and remain at all charming. (I can, but I am an aberration). In a pinch, you can focus on one or two signature dishes and buy the rest.
Your menu selection is important, regardless of whether you made it or bought it. Ensure that there are at least a few all-vegetarian dishes available. For bonus points or a diverse crowd, make certain you have at least one Kosher and Vegan dish prepared. This need not be extensive. A fruit or pickle plate and an all-vegetable casserole is easy enough to prepare or procure.
Presentation is at least as important. Nothing demonstrates your dedication to hospitality more than your willingness to present your food in an attractive and pleasing manner. “First we eat with our eyes”, so make sure your food is pretty, attractively displayed, and fresh. At Stately Ironwood Manor we garnish. Everything. We’re just that way.
But the plate it’s on is as important to presentation as the scallions on top, so don’t hesitate to get out the good china for the occasion. Hell, that’s what it is there for. Use serving platters for meats, attractive serving bowls for food and wicker baskets for breads and such. Invest in some cloth napkins to dress your table, and for the sake of all the gods of hospitality get a decent tablecloth.
Ensure that each dish has the appropriate serving utensil and make sure that the plates, napkins and silverware are in close proximity. Also make certain there is a place for trash nearby and a clear spot for dirty dishes. Never let any item on your table get below 1/3 empty before removing it, or moving it to a smaller container. Make certain salt and pepper (and hot sauce, should the occasion demand) are also available.
If it is a full buffet, make sure that the traffic flow is managed and that everyone gets what they need in correct order. If it is light hors d'oeuvres or snacks, keep the area from looking like a bomb went off by checking it regularly. And keep the trash and dishes from piling up. If that means you need to jump into the kitchen to wash a few real quick, everyone will understand.
Almost as important as the food at your event is your beverage selection. The soft drink side of this is relatively easy: soda, diet soda, caffeine-free soda, water. Add in lemonade if there will be children present and iced tea if you live in the South. Coffee, tea, and hot cocoa should be available as well, as needed, particularly in cooler weather. Coffee should be freshly made with sugar, artificial sweetener, and cream available. Making a pot of decaf, particularly late in the day, is often recommended.
Make sure you have enough glasses, and have extra disposable cups at hand just in case. Stock napkins aplenty, and keep coasters at hand. People will judge you about coasters, and you don’t want to hear about a tiny detail like that for the rest of the season. Get some damn coasters. Running out of ice is never a good sign, so make sure you have a cooler of it in reserve.
Hard drinks are another matter. One can go broke with an open bar, particularly if one has my in-laws. Ensuring that you have Scotch, Rum, Tequila, Bourbon, etc. is an expensive prospect. What I usually do is mix up a big batch of a signature cocktail ahead of time and then provide a small but select number of other spirits for people who want something in particular. Add one good beer and a few bottles each of red and white wine. Keep the white chilled, the red at room temperature.
This realm involves the comfort of your guests. That begins in the bathroom, where you have ensured that there is a goodly supply of toilet paper and all incriminating prescriptions have been removed from the
medicine cabinet. Cotton balls, tissues, and an empty trash can, along with discreetly concealed feminine hygiene products, are all mandatory. Towels and extra towels should be provided, and make sure you get out the good soap. Clear away toothbrushes, deodorant and other personal items.
Make sure you have a well-stocked first-aid kit on hand, and for that matter get a cheap sewing kit, glasses repair kit, and that you have the following drugs on hand: Immodium, Benedryl, AZO Standard, aspirin, ibuprofen, acetaminophen, pseudophedrine. Ensure that you have a private place for someone to nurse or change a baby, a place for coats to be securely held, and that the thermostat is set at a decent level. Having a quiet place someone can lay down is also recommended.
If possible, see to the ambiance of your place by starting a fire in the fireplace. Nothing projects warmth like fire. Candles, too, add to the effect. If your guests smoke, make sure you have a decent place for them to do so outside, with a convenient place for their butts.
Never argue or fight in front of your guests. When you are Master of the Hall, then you deal with your conflicts in private, or postpone them. Do not undermine the appearance that you are the perfect couple by trying to enlist your guests in your private issues. Nothing makes a guest more uncomfortable.
Music is almost mandatory. Keep the volume low and the tunes soft and non-distracting. Stay away from anything controversial or discordant.
If you have kids, this is a no-brainer. If you don’t, be sure you have a few kid-oriented activities (coloring books, crayons, videogames, etc.) to occupy their time, and be sure to have kid-friendly snacks and beverages at hand. And no, Bloody Mary Mix is not an acceptable child-friendly beverage.
The temptation exists to either spend all of your time with your guests or all of your time keeping the party running, but you should alternate both in fifteen minute cycles. Spend a quarter hour handling maintenance – toilet paper and ice check, dishes, glasses, trash, etc. Then spend a quarter hour greeting and mingling with guests by yourself. A quarter-hour back on maintenance, and then a quarter-hour mingling at your wife’s side.
That’s an important point: a woman’s role in the Female Social Matrix is established in part by how secure her marriage is. Being demonstrably affectionate and united in purpose, jovial and visibly happy in each others’ company, you build her position in the Matrix. Ignoring your wife allows her to be targeted by unscrupulous guests, so don’t be afraid to mate-guard if necessary.
There comes a point where the party is decidedly over . . . but there are always one or two lingerers. If they’re close friends, get them to help with the cleanup. If they aren’t, offer to call them a cab. In extreme situations you may offer them a place to crash and sleep it off, but try to avoid that unless you can’t in good conscience send them out into the world.
These are just a few suggestions for having a Very Alpha Holiday Season, if you’re a Red Pill husband. Demonstrating your value through your ability to successfully host a social even can pay huge dividends on the marital front.
But every party also carries the risk of drama. Don’t let that scare you. How you deal with adversity is one of the things she admires about you . . . and it’s your damn house. If you want to throw your drunk-ass brother-in-law out, go ahead.
There’s nothing Beta about that.