Wife Test: Attractiveness

Well, fellas, it's time to boldly throw our dicks on the third rail of the intergender dating/mating discussion.  We're going to discus your future wife's attractiveness.

Attractiveness is not beauty.  Neither is it the ability to smear high-priced cosmetics across your face and hope the price tag automatically buffs your appearance.  Attractiveness is one of the keystone attributes of femininity, like it or not, and while sexuality is certainly a dominating factor in its assessment and importance, it is by no means the entirety of the feminine motivation to be attractive.   A woman who knows how to be attractive knows how to adapt her appearance and demeanor in subtle ways to present a different presentation appropriate to the social situation.  

Attractiveness is not an in-born trait -- beauty is.  Attractiveness is not bound by youth or age or dress size. When you evaluate your potential future bride on the basis of her attractiveness, how hot she is - believe it or not - should be a relatively minor consideration.  Whether or not she can make and keep herself attractive is far more important.

Most men simply do not appreciate the high art that feminine beauty and fashion entails for a woman of even modest means if she's to make even a half-hearted attempt at being attractive.  We're spoiled by the ten-minute shit/shower/shave routine we mastered when we were twenty and haven't varied much in the decades since.  We appreciate the result of her efforts of course . . . sometimes . . . but we rarely appreciate the hours and hours of study and experimentation a woman has to undertake before she can say that she's mastered the art.

It's complicated, and many short-sighted men consider it a waste.  But the importance of a woman's ability to be attractive is a fundamental cornerstone of your relationship with your wife, just as much as your ability to hold down a decent job.  This is especially important if a man has aspirations of having a family, but not for the obvious reasons.  A wife certainly needs to maintain her husband's attraction, but far beyond that a mother has to be able to navigate the much-harder channels of the Mommy Matrix.

Tarting yourself up enough to get an erection out of your husband is easy.  Dressing up with just the right
focus on fashion, cosmetics, hair, shoes and accessories to communicate your position and rank to the rest of the Mommy Matrix is the real challenge.  Husbands who dismiss this factor as unimportant are inadvertently dismissing a very important element in their wive's social matrix.  Really, it doesn't matter whether or not you'd do her . . . she can whip her girls out and get that reaction.

When she asks "How do I look?", she's looking for validation of her selection and reaction to the end-product of her efforts.  She's not trying to be sexually attractive, she's trying to be socially attractive, and those standards are very different.

It's often been said that women dress for other women, not men, and there's a lot of truth to that.  But I would say it's more important to realize that women have to dress for women first, unless they are overtly mating, before they are concerned with the judgment of men.

Mating is, of course, inextricably wound with attractiveness in that it is the perpetual force that impels feminine action even when no actual mating is going on.  Mating is the context for attraction.  But it is important to understand that the perceptions of men and women on the subject are largely filtered by their perspective.  Men see feminine attractiveness from the perspective of judgment, while women see it from the perspective of competition.

Women do not make themselves attractive to attract men, they make themselves attractive to socially dominate women by displaying their ability to attract men.  Being attractive to a woman is the social equivalent of having big muscles as a dude.  Just displaying them acts as a deterrent against potential competition.  But like big muscles, attractiveness requires constant maintenance and no little expense.

Many men will mistake beauty and youth for attractiveness.  They see their wives in their prime reproductive years when their hormonally-charged young bodies are buffing their base attractiveness.  "Natural Beauty" is a big draw, of course, and the frosting of youth makes it all that more appealing.

But when you're evaluating your future bride, you should look beyond "Natural Beauty" and take a cold, hard look at what Mrs. Ironwood calls "girl skills": her ability to make herself appropriately socially attractive.

The Wife Test: Wardrobe Madness

When Mrs. Ironwood and I first started co-habitating, we were young, poor, broke all the time . . . and compelled to be very social.  We were at that age where some of our friends were getting married, some were having kids, and some were dying young.  One particular weekend found us hitting the jackpot: our social and filial obligations promised a very, very full Saturday.

We began the day with a 6 year old birthday party, then progressed to a business luncheon, thence to a memorial service and lastly to a formal night-time wedding.  Four separate wardrobe changes.  Four hours on the road between engagements.  Brutal.

Mrs. I didn't blink.  Chalk it up to her own mother's training in such matters, her debutante skills or her extended stint running a retail cosmetics counter, the future Mrs. I managed all four wardrobe changes, including three footwear changes, in the car on the way.  She arrived at each even properly attired and made-up, displaying the proper accessories and shoes for the occasion and comporting herself with dignity and grace.

At one point I realized that the elegant young woman dancing with the groom was the same one who had squatted in the middle of a ring of six-year-olds for a rousing game of duck-duck-goose that morning, and then had cried in earnest sympathy with our grieving friends that afternoon.  She still looked as if she'd spent all day at the salon.  Her versatility and knowledge of her own capability for attractiveness demonstrated a competency and dedication that I found admirable . . . and highly desirable in a mate.

When vetting your future bride, consider a similar challenge: several different social events in rapid succession, requiring a re-tooling of her presentation for each.  Moving from formal to business to casual to other in no particular order will be a challenge worth observing.  Believe it or not, how attractive she is really isn't the most important factor in this test.

Things to consider: Does she complain bitterly about the pressure or does she accept it gracefully?  Is she demanding and disrespectful as she completes her transformation, or does she do so coolly and without recrimination?  Does she blame you for stuff that is clearly outside of your control?  Does she arrive more or less complete, or does she need another 15 minutes in the ladies' room to finish up?  Does she have a wardrobe sufficient for her needs or does she try to employ clothes that are not quite appropriate to the occasion?  Does she have the proper undergarments and outergarments to support her wardrobe selection?  Is she vocally critical about some perceived flaw in her features, or does she work with what she has without complaint?  And how is the final product?  Is the juice worth the squeeze?

And just how long did it take?  That can be a vital metric to know.  I once had a girlfriend who couldn't get ready to go to class without three wardrobe changes and a 45 minute temper-tantrum about her hair.  Formal occasions were nightmares, a perpetual blow to her self-esteem.  Mrs. Ironwood usually only needs 20-30 minutes for everyday prep, twice that for business or formal.  That's not unreasonable.

Remember, the end result should be evaluated on a relative basis, not how hard she makes your dick.  Appropriate dress and makeup for the occasion is key, as is preparation and execution.

She need not turn every head in the room, but as long as she looks good on your arm she's achieved her goal.  Few women really want to be the most attractive woman in the room . . . just one of the more attractive.  Out-shining the other women singles her out for unwanted attention, not from male lotharios but from female be-yatches who are looking to score social points by cutting down the weak and poorly-dressed.

Of course it goes without saying that the sexual attraction side of things should get some attention, too.  While you're probably pretty happy just to have her boobs in your face, a woman who has mastered the art of attraction remembers that her sexual presentation is as important as her sexual performance.  Being able to dress formal, business or casual for a particular event should be complemented by the ability to appear enticingly attractive in an intimate setting.

Shucking off the little black dress at the end of the night should be able to lead to pulling on something more seductive, and repairing your hair and make-up appropriately, not Noxema and comfy jammies.  Being able to segue from attractive-formal to attractive intimate without fuss or hand-wringing is the epitome of a woman's attractiveness skills.

Being able to maintain your attractiveness over the years is also important, much to the dismay of feminists everywhere.  Age might sap her beauty, but it doesn't necessarily decrease her attractiveness.  Those skills stay with her.  Indeed, fighting the effects of gravity, slower metabolism and age in general make attractiveness a high feminine art.  Mistaking youth for beauty or attractiveness has led to some depressingly lackluster pairings.

And while some women don't feel obligated to make themselves up for their husbands on the basis that they don't feel the need to impress him, and they feel that he's already seen what she has a million times, wiser women understand that feminine allure is a subtle art that demands study, dedication, and no little expense to do well.  Deciding that you don't need to make the effort for hubby anymore might sound "mature" but what it actually is (whether he voices this or not) is "disrespectful".  When you decide your husband just doesn't care, so why make the effort, you're telling him subconsciously that you no longer consider his opinion valuable.

When you just stop trying because he's not telling you how ravishing you look to your satisfaction, regardless of what you think is going on, he'll notice.  And not in a good way.  Once he notices that you aren't trying anymore, his attraction to you is almost destined to fail eventually without intervention.  It also deprives him of the opportunity to sincerely complement your efforts on his own.  And that's a dangerous first step toward seeking validation of your femininity from somewhere else.

Attractiveness is a slippery issue, highly subjective and open to interpretation.  but it's also a key Wife Skill, and one that should be vetted for religiously.

The Wife Test: Domesticity

It’s amazing how many women don’t really understand that “wife” is a job description, not a title.

  

One of the key components of being a wife is being a homemaker.  That isn’t to say that housework therefore is her responsibility, only that one of the things a man seeks and finds value in when he is looking for his wife is someone with whom he can make a home.  Even in our post-industrial take-out culture a man wants to feel that he’s coming home to his wife, not going to the apartment where he sleeps with his roommate.

Many women these days, thanks to feminism’s dark shadow, have equated domesticity with slavery, for some reason.  They look with disdain on their grandmothers and great-grandmothers who saw value in building a home fit to raise children in.  As women have entered and come to dominate the workforce, they proudly eschew the domestic skills that are their maternal legacy in favor of corporate achievement and “personal fulfillment”. 

But a man who is serious about taking a wife wants a wife worth taking.  And a woman who cannot manifest her domesticity is a poor bet for the position, regardless of how hot she is or how impressive her resume is.

What is domesticity?  Simply put, it’s the discipline and art of building and developing a comfortable and attractive home for your family.  It is a task shared between husband and wife, ideally speaking, but just as a husband’s primary duty is to secure the home, the wife’s primary duty is to make it worth securing.  That doesn’t mean scanning Pinterest for hours until you have just the right catalog numbers, that means investing the hours of study, planning, and execution necessary to slowly convert the house you live in into an enjoyable home.

So how does one measure domesticity?  How does one wrap a rule around warmth and charm?  Can modern men even recognize it for what it is when they see it, or appreciate it properly when it is called to

their attention?

 

As part of the vetting process for your future bride, pay careful attention to a few key factors that may indicate her domestic inclinations.  In particular, be on the lookout for the following:

·                    Houseplants.  Not everyone has a green thumb, but most domestically-inclined women tend to collect houseplants.  Their condition will tell you a lot about her domesticity.

·                    If she has a pet, look to see how well she cares for it.  While the Manosphere disparages the Cat Lady, kitties do have the advantage of showing you just how attentive a woman can be to the task of keeping it properly.  A woman without much domestic inclination will often have a messy litter box or feeding area.  Dogs are even better for judging this.

·                    Is the art and decoration in her place personal, professional, or commercial?  A woman with a well-founded sense of domesticity will often have art of a personal nature, or reflective of her domestic aspirations.  Professional art demonstrates taste and culture, but could also signal aspirations of affluent status that could be contra-indicative to domesticity.  Commercial or popular art shows an investment in her social presentation, which isn’t exactly non-domestic, but it does show that she’s subject to social pressures.  If she has a Twilight poster in her room, for instance, that is telling.  And not particularly domestic.  A good mixture of all three demonstrates balance, and how they are presented will tell you how she feels about herself and her home.  An ambitious display of aphorisms and affirmations demonstrates a low self esteem and idealism more suited to corporate life than domesticity. 

If her place lacks art entirely . . . go for a one-night stand and move on.  Nothing to see here.

·                    Décor.  It doesn’t have to look like a magazine article, but are you comfortable when you go to her place?  Are the colors jarring and discordant, or warm and comfort-building?  Does she even care about the décor, or is she blatantly utilitarian?  A couple of small touches that are designed to make a noticeable difference indicate a good domestic sense.  If she has brick-a-brack, what kind and how much?  Collections of clowns, angels, kittens, frogs or ducks are generally warning signs.  Displays of her childhood and teenage achievements, family photos, and tasteful presentation are all good signs.  If you don’t understand why something is there, ask her.  If she doesn’t have a funny story or anecdote about it, that doesn’t bode well.

·                    Does she cook?  While culinary skills are no guarantee of domesticity, and their lack does not mean a lack of domestic impulse, they are nonetheless a fair indicator of her inclinations.  Mrs. Ironwood hates cooking, but that doesn’t make her any less domestic.  If a woman has a decent set of cooking utensils, actual ingredients in her refrigerator, and a pantry that contains shortening, flour, and yeast, those are good signs.  Her offering to cook you a meal within the first three dates is also a good sign.  Even if you plan on cooking for your future family, as I do mine, ensuring your future bride knows her way around the kitchen is highly recommended.

·                    Does she have people over?  There is a decidedly social component to domesticity.  Women who build nice homes want to show them off and claim the points.  If your prospective wife doesn’t ever entertain, then one potential reason is her lack of domesticity.

   ·                 Does she know her neighbors and their names?  Corporate drones can live next to someone for ten years and never know their names.  Domestically-inclined women want to know who lives around them.

·                    How often does she change her sheets, and is her laundry up to date?  Do her towels match? Piles of dirty clothes and perpetually-drying laundry are bad signs.  Clean towels and sheets are good ones.

·                    Is she careful to lock up when she leaves and not leave windows unlocked?  If she is not that conscientious about her home, she’s not going to be about yours.  Being security conscious is a domestic ability.

·                    Is her trash and recycling in order, or is it overflowing? 

·                    Has she done anything toward the presentation of her front door?  Domestically-conscious women are as into making the entrance of their homes attractive as socially-conscious women are at making an entrance.

How can you actively challenge her domesticity?  Here’s a few ways:

1.                  Tell her to make you a pie . . . but don’t give her any more details than that.  See how she approaches the matter.  If she refuses outright, get used to a lot of take-out.  If she buys pre-paid shells and fills them out of a can, or buys frozen pie, then she might be teachable, but probably not.  If she sees it as a challenge and cranks out a homemade apple pie made with fresh Granny Smiths and lard, then you have a winner.  Make sex noises while eating pie.

2.                  Ask her how she would plan your sister’s/niece’s/cousin’s emergency wedding for sixty people next weekend with a budget of $2000.  See what she comes up with.  A corporate zombie will snort and say hire someone.  A domestic goddess will have a themed action-plan and budget projections put together in an hour.

3.                  On a whim, go see a house for sale together.  As you go from room to room ask her how she would decorate it.  Along the way find out whether she would prefer city or country life, and what style of house she wants.  If nothing else, the idea of seeing a house as a “just pretend” exercise will get her thinking about your potential as a husband and start the panty-dampening process.  Plus you’re there, in a big ol’ empty house with no one else around.  You’ve got a 50/50 shot at a quickie if you have decent Game.  More, if the house is affluent enough.

4.                  Check out her mother’s place.  Domesticity isn’t hereditary, but if her mother has a strong domestic streak, then it might just be dormant in her fit of corporate rebellion from gender stereotypes.  Put a ring on it and she often goes the way her mom did.  So see how comfy your potential future mother-in-law’s place is and keep that in mind.

Even a strong sense of domesticity is no guarantee of a happy life or a good wife, but without it your marriage will suffer.  Perhaps terminally.  Figure out in advance what levels of domesticity you crave in your future and then screen accordingly.  Or get used to Lean Cuisines around the television, bub, and occasional nights of lackluster sex.  Because in my experience there is a correlation between domesticity and approachability for lusty shenanigans. 

Once the dishes are done, of course.

Wife Test: Red Pill Alerts

Fellas, when you're considering a relationship -- or hell, even a quickie behind the bar -- with a woman, it is wise to know at least something about her attitudes towards men and relationships and love in general. But dudes have an uncanny tendency to overlook important warning signs that a relationship with a particular woman might give you because you're too busy staring at her boobs.

I know.  Boobs.

If finding a good Mrs. is important to you, though, then sifting out the wheat from the chaff is essential, and identifying potential relationship disasters before they happen is vital, no matter how big the rack.  And if you aren't inclined to search for a foreign bride from a more traditionally-minded country, then pay careful attention to these key phrases and actions.  Consider them Red Pill Alerts.  When you hear them, they are indicators of red flags that should give you pause.

1.  "Rape Culture"

If a woman uses this term in casual conversation, end the conversation at the earliest possible moment and do your best to avoid her in the future.  This phrase is used as a blanket term by feminism for describing all male sexuality, far in excess of the actual crime of rape.  Use of this term indicates that a woman is suspicious and fearful of male sexuality, even if she finds herself attracted to it.  That's not to say that women who use the term aren't themselves drawn to strong male sexual displays, despite their political protests to the contrary, but it is also indicative of her level of respect for male sexuality in general.

Porn is "rape culture" to these women.  So is the music video and lyrics for this summer's pop R&B hit "Blurred Lines", because it expresses raw masculine sexuality unapologetically.  Women who use the term "rape culture" casually are giving you a shit test, whether they understand it as such or not.  By using it they are challenging your sexuality.  But the only proper response to a shit test is to ignore it.  And her.  A woman who uses this term does not respect men or their sexuality, and you can expect some rocky times ahead if you ignore this Red Pill Alert and plow ahead.

Good response: "You know, I think I'll go talk to some women who actually like men." LEAVE
Better response: "*Snort* What, are you eleven or something?  Time to find some grown-up girls." LEAVE
Best Response: "I've always preferred my victims to have bigger tits." LEAVE

2. "Delicate Male Ego"

Another shit test.  When a woman uses this term, she's deliberately challenging you and your response to her.  She's thinking she's displaying her strength and independence.  What she's actually doing is revealing her contempt for masculinity and her ignorance of its subtleties.  Yes, dudes, we have subtleties.

The male ego is oft bashed, particularly by ignorant feminists, because they really do lack any clear understanding or insight into it, insisting solipsistically that men should behave the way women do.   By implying anything about a man's ego without understanding it, they are betraying their inner frustrations with male-female relations, frustrations that are likely to blossom into brutal, heated arguments or even infidelity in a relationship.  A woman who throws around "delicate male ego" is calling herself out as being disrespectful of masculinity in general.

Sure, women don't like to see weakness or other BETA traits in a man . . . but men don't like to be reminded that we have those weaknesses, and a woman with the tactlessness to mention any man's ego to another is one to watch out for.  She might be a High Alpha female with exceptionally grand tastes . . . or she might be a scornful Gamma woman who thinks she can verbally abuse a man and expect him to find her attractive.

Either way, the wise Red Pill man will step around this indelicate flower and pursue worthier women.  Women who understand that verbally kicking all men in the balls is not the best way to find a worthy man.  Indeed, by calling out all men's egos, she's demonstrated herself as poor wife material.

Good response: "My delicate male ego is going to go talk to the pretty girls, now.  Thanks for the fluff, Cupcake." LEAVE
Better response: "My ego isn't delicate.  It's just highly discriminating." LEAVE
Best response: (LOUDLY) "Why no, I don't think you need a boob job!  A lot of guys like it when one is so much smaller than the other!  You shouldn't be so sensitive!"  LEAVE

3. "I deserve . . ."

Women who talk about what they deserve -- in work, in life, in romance, and especially in a man -- are best avoided as poor wife material.  Feminine entitlement is frequently a problem in a relationship, as women rationalize just what they "deserve", usually without much in the way of supporting data.

My ex sister-in-law is a case in point.  She left my brother and her son to go shack up with a richer dude because she "deserved to have nice things in her life and a man who can provide them".  This brutal assertion had no evidence to back up the claim that she deserved any such thing.  Indeed, if she actually got what she deserved, I don't think she'd be bragging about it.  In a way she did -- her new dude dumped her two months later, after he tired of her, and now she lives with her parents and her daughter from another relationship and her grandson . . . because the nut doesn't fall far from the tree.

Women who use this term almost uniformly DON'T deserve whatever it is they think they do.  A lot of the dichotomy between male and female ideas on the subject of entitlement are due, I believe, to the fact that women get handed the bulk of their sexual capital early, while men must earn theirs slowly and painfully.  That gives women an incentive to indulge in this kind of entitlement.  If you encounter a woman who uses "I deserve . . ." you can bet that she's going to deserve a second husband someday.  Avoid.

A woman with good wife potential won't discuss what she deserves; she'll discuss what she aspires to and what she hopes for . . . and most importantly, what she's willing to earn.

Good response: "And I deserve a more interesting conversational companion.  Have a good evening."  LEAVE
Better response: "On what basis do you deserve that?  Oh, wait, I'm not that interested."  LEAVE
Best resposne: "And I deserve a blowjob in the parking lot.  We gonna help each other out?"  LEAVE . . . FAST (or get a blowjob in the parking lot, if things go that route).

4. "I don't believe in marriage . . ."

This is such utter hamstereese bullshit that it should be sold by the pound.  Despite all the rationalization in the feminist media about how their thrilling careers and corporate ambitions are personally as fulfilling as a solid loving relationship and a family, the Red Pill fact of the matter is that MOST women believe in marriage.  Declaring that they don't, especially on short acquaintance, is a clear sign of one of two things: either she is so commitment-phobic that she will leave you for the next pair of pecs to ponder her panties, or she is clearly bullshitting because getting married is on her mind so much that she's desperate.  They're playing to the well-touted idea that men are the ones who don't want marriage, and think that by declaring their lack of desire to commit they are making themselves more attractive.

To a certain extent they are correct . . . but they are also setting themselves up for disappointment or duplicity, and either way a wise man will avoid them.  A good future wife isn't going to sell the idea of matrimony short -- she's going to protect it like a cherished treasure.  Declaring that she doesn't believe in marriage is probably the best indicator that she's either working an angle to lure you into one while you're looking at her boobs or she's been so badly hurt that her long-term prospects are tainted.  Move along, there's nothing to see here.

Good response: "That's too bad.  I do.  I think she does, too.  I think I'll go talk to her." LEAVE
Better response: "I think some people are just destined to be alone for their entire lives, until they die alone and forgotten.  Thankfully, I'm not one of them."  LEAVE
Best response: "That's a relief!  I don't either.  That's what gives me the mental clarity I need to sleep with as many women as possible behind my wife's back."  LEAVE

5.  "I want to work on my career . . ."

Hell, any mention of her career or job, outside of the basics, is a Red Pill alert.

That's not to say you should be looking for a woman with no career prospects, it just means that a woman who sees herself as a professional first will only see herself as a wife and mother second.  That's great, for some women.  After all, with fewer men working these days, it's going to require a lot of women filling the taxation gap, so that their brilliant careers can subsidize other women's children in the future.

But you should not reward such dedication to a job with your allegiance or commitment.  Because talking about her job is probably the best way she can let you know that you, regardless of what a worthy dude you might be, are going to stand in the shadow of her aspirations.  Feminists and ignorant dating advice columnists call this "being threatened by her success", and treat it with scorn.  They see things in terms of competition between men and women, with the women aspiring to elevate themselves to "respectability" in society's eyes through their dedication to their job.

But do you really want to marry a woman who will leave your ass if she gets transferred to California for "a golden opportunity"?  Either you are her "golden opportunity" or you need to find someone who sees that.  A good wife cannot be a _____________ first and a wife second.  If her career is more important than making a life with you, or even going to be challenging to your relationship, then move along to more fulfilling prospects.  The "strong, independent career woman" tends to be abysmally poor wife material.

Again, that isn't to say you want a woman who can't earn a living for herself.  Unless she's a gorgeous nymphomaniac, an expectation of you to financially support her is likewise a Red Pill Alert.  You can expect demands for alimony in your future.  But find a woman who is willing to be devoted to her man and her family, not her job.  Jobs come and go.  Careers rise and fall.  Marriage should be more durable than an employment contract . . . and if she doesn't agree, then she's self-selected out of the pool of potential good wives.

Good response: "Wow.  Your parents must be very proud.  I'm sure they've got your resume in a frame where they expected to put pictures of grandchildren."  LEAVE
Better response: "I like strong and independent career women.  I expect I'll have plenty of them working for me and my wife some day."  LEAVE
Best response: "Unless you work in a strip club, I'm gonna go focus my energies on the girls whose ambitions are longer and harder than yours, if you know what I mean."  LEAVE

6. "Why can't guys just . . . ?"

This is an expression that clearly predicates ignorant male-bashing.  In most cases women do know why guys can't just ______________.  They just don't like the answer, and want someone to change it for them.

A woman who has so little knowledge and experience with men as to not understand their basic motivations (Sex, food, shelter, entertainment, companionship, in that order) is an unwise choice.  A woman who is so willing to express her ignorance so quickly is announcing herself as a future ex-girlfriend, if not a future ex-wife.  Women who use this phrase are taking issue with the entire masculine experience.  They are insisting on measuring the men they meet against a yardstick used for women.  They are virtually screaming that they are going to question your motives and motivations and express dismay, contempt, and resentment when there's a future issue in your relationship.

Avoid this woman.  If she can't figure out why guys like pretty girls, sports cars, beer and baseball -- or she actually feels a burning desire to know why -- then this woman is not going to be a good relationship risk.

Good response: "Because we're not chicks."  LEAVE
Better response: "You know, I'm kind of insulted by that question.  Ask yourself this: why can't guys just listen to my stupid bullshit instead of leaving me to talk to prettier and more interesting girls?  Discuss."  LEAVE
Best response: "Because we have penises.  Want me to show you mine?" LEAVE

7. "...feminism..."

Yep.  Pretty much any mention of feminism in a positive light, beyond the basics of equity feminism, is a Red Pill Alert for stormy seas ahead.  Women who invoke feminism are shit testing you.  Women who self-declare as feminists are challenging your masculinity right up front, and no clearer sign of a life of torment and abuse in a relationship with them is available.  No more should be needed . . . but some dudes think they can either "tame" a feminist (and it can be done) or that they can use her feminism against her to drop her panties (which is done with such frightening regularity it's humorous).

Feminism is a danger sign.  I haven't been able to find any official facts-n-figures on the subject, by my apocryphal, unscientific study into the manner is telling.  Of the 37 self-declared feminists in the Womens' Studies Club of my university who graduated the same year I did, after 20 years their numbers are telling, as my alumni association has it.  Fifteen never married.  Of the 22 who did, 18 were divorced. Eleven had two or more divorces under their belt.

As I said, that's apocryphal, observational data without scientific merit.  But it's also enlightening.  That means that only 4 out of 37 feminists in my class managed to get married and stay married.  That's just around 10%.

Which means, anecdotally, that marrying a feminist gives you roughly an 80% chance of getting divorced.  Not the comfortably awful 50-50 coin flip of most marriages, but eight times out of ten saying "I do" to a feminist is going to lead to divorce, by my calculations.  If folks have real data on this, I'd love to hear it, but feminism is decidedly NOT a precursor to a happy, fulfilled marriage.  And a self-declared feminist has embraced the idea that a feminist can be anything she wants to be . . . except a good wife. 

So listen to them.  Don't marry them.  Don't even fuck them.  It's just too dangerous, and you do your fellow men a discourtesy by encouraging them.

Good response: " . . . " LEAVE
Better response:  "I'm sorry, did you say something, Cupcake?  I was staring at your boobs."  LEAVE
Best response.  "I like feminists.  I can usually talk them into a little bi-sexual exploration, if you know what I mean.  They love bullshit like that."  LEAVE

8. "Men feel threatened and intimidated by me."

A woman who honestly believes this is confused or has a couple of hamsters in her bra.  No matter how loudly she protests the contrary, most men don't feel "intimidated" by her.  Most men are merely annoyed by her, and she chooses to see that as "intimidation", because that little rationalization means it's THEIR fault, not hers.  Behold the power of hamsterization.

The fact is, men are intimidated by beautiful women . . . period.  A powerfully attractive woman who understands she's attractive and knows how to turn that into incredible social capital very rightly intimidates the lesser men among us.  She is Alpha, and she is searching for a stronger Alpha, and most dudes just aren't going to measure up.

But be "intimidated" merely by a woman's intelligence and ambition?  Not so much.

Many otherwise intelligent women make this mistake, dismissing a snub or a lack of attention as the result of the men around her being "intimidated".  In fact, it's likely that she's just annoyingly direct, argumentative, and bossy . . . not the sort of thing you want to cuddle up to after a three-hour cunnilingus marathon.  These women mistake their clumsy social stumbling as being "strong and independent", and then fault the men around them for not being attracted to them.

These are the same women who feel that they are in a perpetual competition with men -- it's always 'us' vs. 'them' in their minds, an eternal struggle that they are determined to 'win'.  They feel intimidation, usually in the workplace, and they respond how they feel the workplace demands: with hardcore competitive drive.

That's great if you're on the same sales team.  It's lousy if you want a happy marriage.

That stumps a lot of women who just don't get this subtle fact of male sexual psychology: the vast majority of men don't want to fight with their wives for the rest of their lives, and a woman who is willing to argue about stupid stuff to demonstrate her intellectual superiority to the man in her life is ultimately going to shit test her way out of a relationship.  Not because her dude feels "threatened".  Because her dude feels marginalized and diminished for being forced to compete with the woman who is supposed to be a loving support.

A woman who claims men are intimidated by her is almost always a poor matrimonial risk, and she's going to be trouble in even a casual relationship.  Her unwillingness to acknowledge the idea that in the romantic realm competition should be with other women FOR men, not AGAINST the men, is the keystone in her temple of solipsism.  She walks around with a chip on her shoulder, demanding masculine prerogatives without accepting masculine responsibilities . . . and then wants to be valued for whatever shreds of femininity she has left.

The "intimidation" that these women feel they exude is mere bossiness.  Men don't like bossy wives, in general, and therefore a woman who feels "intimidating" is self-selecting out of your marriage pool.  That's not to say that intelligence and ambition aren't factors in the equation -- I found Mrs. Ironwood's ability to demonstrate her great intelligence one of the things most attractive about her.  Thing was . . .

. . . she didn't feel like she had to beat me over the head with it.  As Vox has recently stated, "The fact that a man is capable of having a substantive intellectual discussion with a woman doesn't mean he wants to do so every time he makes a simple observation."  Intelligence is a valued factor in a wife . . . but so is the social understanding to know when displaying that intelligence will be seen in a negative light.  Thinking that the dude who you just crushed in the monthly sales contest is going to like and respect you for your victory is foolishly ignorant of a woman: she simply cannot earn the same kind of masculine respect a man's male peers would, in the same situation.  

And even if he does show that he respects your intelligence and your acumen, your drive and ambition . . . that doesn't mean he wants to have to face that challenge every day for the rest of his life.  A man wants to come home to comfort and security after a hard day's struggle, not face an even fiercer competition that he cannot hope to win at home.  So when a woman mentions that men seem intimidated by her, and she's not drop-dead gorgeous, pay the bar tab and move on.  This one is trouble.  She's not threatening, she's just really obnoxious and annoying . . . and doesn't have the sense to recognize it.

Good response: "I can see why."  LEAVE.
Better response: "You poor girl.  How awful for you.  Count me among them."  LEAVE
Best response: "Intimidated?  By you?  Miss Bossypants?  That's HILARIOUS!" LEAVE . . . laughing.

9. "Women can do everything just as well as a man can."

Well, no.  

Don't get me wrong -- in about 80% of the cases, that's a correct assumption.  Men and women are fairly on par in aggregate when it comes to everything from long division to programming Javascript.  But if a woman thinks that the gender differences stop at the physical, then she's not wife material.  In the slightest.

Men and women have traditionally sub-specialized in various tasks as our society has progressed through various economic fields.  The roles have changed as the economy has -- I rarely make Mrs. Ironwood go out and glean the wheat fields or field dress and skin a deer -- but the fact of gender specialization has remained constant.  Men and women do different tasks, in general, because men and women are different.  We have different goals, aspirations, measures of success, drives and ambitions.  We have different strengths and weaknesses. We have different areas of interest.  

The problem with the idea that "women can do everything just as well as a man can" is that it encourages the idea that the same abilities necessarily stem from the same font of motivations.  For instance, a woman who enrolls in an all-male workout group just to prove that she can work at the same level as the men can isn't demonstrating her competence . . . she's demonstrating her willingness to mess with your masculinity.

I'm happy to admit that there are some tasks that women, in general, are just better at.   Networking, likewise.  Most social situations, actually.  But the belief that women are equally equipped and educated for any given task as well as a man is can be poison to a relationship.  I've also noted how short-lived this is once a couple is wed, too.  It seems within months of the wedding, the number of things a new bride can do - even if she's the same gender as she was before the ceremony - drops dramatically as she basks in the accomplishment of her marriage.  She no longer needs to prove that women can do everything just as well as a man can.  She has a husband to take care of that now.

But gods help you if that poor schmuck is you.  You just bit into a massive shit test.  The proper response was a bold retreat.  This woman is NOT wife material.

Good response: "Really?  Then you don't mind giving me a few pointers on lactation, for instance -- I suck at it." LEAVE (while her eyes glaze over)
Better response: "Yeah, Cupcake, show me your draft card, THEN I'll take you seriously." LEAVE
Best response: "Are you ready to prove it? Otherwise, shut the hell up about it.  That's what I'd say to a man."  LEAVE 

10. "I don't need a man."

This is a feminist classic . . . and the best evidence yet for the rationalization hamster becoming the dominant life form in America.  Women who proudly declare that "they don't need a man" are trumpeting a competence and independence they mistakenly feel men, in general, admire.  And while most of us can't stand a truly helpless woman, a woman who doesn't need a man shouldn't get one.

Marriage is a partnership -- that much hasn't changed.  While the specifics and the conditions have changed around, that much hasn't changed across history, economies, or cultures.  We get married because we have a need to -- economic, sexual, social, or personal -- and we need to fulfill that need.  Just because I can masturbate doesn't mean I don't need a woman as a sex partner.  Just because Mrs. Ironwood can now cook doesn't mean she doesn't need a man as a husband.  People in general are interdependent, particularly in the institution of marriage. 

When a woman proudly proclaims her independence in these terms, she is revealing her attitude toward men and marriage in general, right on the box.  Few couples who have been married longer than 10 years will say that kind of bullshit, because they have established that yes, indeed, part of them DOES need to be married.  That's not to say you can't survive without a man, obviously, but making your lack of need known so early and so proudly demonstrates that a woman does not understand what marriage truly entails.  

Often a woman proclaiming her independence in this manner is actually thinking she's making herself more attractive, not the target of the pump-and-dump humpsters.  The thing is, the kind of man she most hopes to attract is likely to be appalled by such a declaration and the wise ones will quietly move on.  Declaring your independence from needing a relationship isn't a statement of strength to a man, as are most of these Red Pill Alerts it's a defiant and insulting attempt to emasculate.  

Stay the hell away from her.  She's trouble.

A wife who doesn't need her husband won't have him long.  Without a compelling reason -- besides love -- for them to stay together, the odds say (and Married Game backs up) that a marriage will implode or explode, depending upon the principals.  Wiser couples tend to realize that men in relationships need to be needed, and wise women allow themselves to express that need in a way he can accomodate.  A man who doesn't feel useful in a relationship will find someplace where he can feel useful, if he is any kind of quality at all.  

It's not an admission of incompetence to admit you need a man in your life,  ladies.  It's an expression of general desire that men find hopeful.  "I don't need a man" is essentially your declaration that your heart is closed to the prospect of a real union, in favor of the roommates-with-slowly-decreasing-benefits model that feminists are trying to pass off as happy marriages these days.  Feminists see any other admission than "I don't need a man" as a capitulation to the stereotype of feminine weakness, and have spent the last 40 years attempting to ensure that their daughters, indeed, won't need a man when they grow up.

Of course, now that many of them have grown up . . . they discover that while they may not need a man, they want one more than the breath of life. Yet they can't understand why their declarations of independence and strength aren't getting the dudes lining up any faster than when she kept mentioning her resume. 

Good response: "Oh, thank goodness - we were starting to think you weren't going to leave without one tonight.  I'll spread the word that we're safe." LEAVE
Better response: "I just wanted to thank you on behalf of all the men in the room."  LEAVE
Best response: "Don't worry, Cupcake -- with an attitude like that, you're in no danger of getting one."

So there you go, fellas: ten Red Pill Alert danger signs that the woman you are talking to is NOT wife material.  There are others, and more subtle signs indicating more insidious dangers, but if you pay attention and raise a red flag on the play when you hear one of these statements, you will save yourself a tremendous amount of grief with your future wife.

Girl Game: Why It's Not Hopeless

I have a friend, a lady friend, who just turned 40.  Ish.

 She’s single, a single working mom with a grown son, and she is drop-dead gorgeous.  She is about as far from the Wall as a woman can get at her age – from two feet away she can pass for 20.  Italian features, beautiful fair skin, long curly hair with a distinguished touch of gray.  She knows how to dress, how to present herself, and she wears her femininity unashamedly on her sleeve.

She really, really wants to meet a dude – the right dude – and get married.  But a few weeks ago, at a mutual friend’s birthday party, we got to talking and I leveled with her about her chances – and any 40 year old woman’s chances of finding a permanent, decent dude at this stage of life – and from what I understand she’s been hopelessly depressed since then.

Here’s the deal: the numbers are the numbers, and the numbers don’t lie.  That doesn’t mean you are a number, however.  In fact, just by reading this you’ve improved your chances of finding the rare and elusive Marriage-Minded-Bachelor.  Allow me to explain.

Consider the Sexual Market Place in all of its brutal glory.  Consider the cold, hard numbers about sexual attraction, and how a woman gets hers all at once and declines over time, and a man gets his gradually and in increasing amounts over time.  

Consider the number of women in the SMP who are open to the idea of a long term relationship with a man.  You’re in that pool, and it’s huge.  You may not want to think of yourself "in competition" with other women over a mere man, but that's the Red Pill reality of the situation.  You can either continue to fool yourself by pretending that you aren't really competing, you're just "waiting for the right one" as you get shut out of one promising date after another by other women - your competitors - or you can bite the bullet, be willing to be realistic, and step up your Girl Game to the point where you're a contender.

Now consider the subset of the pool of women who want to find a husband – and are willing to make that a life priority.  If you fall within that category, you’re already in a better position than the women who aren’t actually consciously pursuing a long-term relationship, but are depending on the fickle finger of Fate or Jesus to bring them a man.  Congrats!  They're idiots, you've made a decisive move.

Further, if you are one of those women who has decided that finding the right husband is a worthy and noble goal, and are willing to put forth the effort to pursue that goal, then you have further self-selected into a higher probability pool.  Once you have established a realistic goal and have committed to it, you automatically improve your chances over your lackluster competitors who are waiting for "chemistry" or "electricity" -- in other words, they're letting their pussies decide the issue.

Now, you know you want a husband, and you know that you’ve got to devote some time and energy to finding him.  “True Love” says to wait for Fate or Kismet . . . but the vulture said “Fuck this waiting around shit!  I’m going to go kill something!”  That is, sometimes you have to take proactive action even if it's outside of your comfort zone.  The next step is figuring out just what kind of husband you want.  That’s very important . . . but you have to be Red Pill realistic about it.  

First of all, discard all fantasies of the Christian Grey billionaire kinkazoid.  Sure, he’s out there, but dudes like that are what we call “Bull Alphas”, that is, he’s going to get into your panties and hit the road, or keep you spinning on the side until you realize that no, he isn’t ever going to commit.  That whole falling-in-love-with-the-innocent-grad-student-and-living-happily-ever-after bullshit is just this side of criminal negligence -- kind of like telling a retarded kid that he has a realistic shot at the Presidency without having oil wealth and nepotism behind you.  Set your sights realistically, on a real dude.  Just by opening yourself up to the possibilities, you improve your chances.

So let's take a look at you.  This is going to sound an awful lot like “lowering your standards”, but the cold hard reality is that if you’re over 30, your Objective Sex Rank is inevitably in decline.  No matter how adept you are at keeping it at bay, even though you’re a hot 40 year old, the “high ranking” guys who are really looking to settle down are looking in the 25-30 range, prime baby-making years.  If you are desperate to get pregnant and have kids with your future husband, prepare yourself: your chances just went down again.  But put a pin in that thought, because we’ll come back to it.

But consider this, as you “lower your standards” and decide that maybe just a bachelors degree will do, when you were really hoping for a doctorate: when you are considering a man on a date, and he can just about hear you “lowering your standards” to condescend to date him and consider him for mating.  When a woman’s eyes play over you and you can see them wince as she thinks “y’know, if I don’t think about it too much, he’s not bad”.  One whiff of that, and you’ve likely already blown it.  No one wants to feel like they’re someone else’s consolation prize.

Part of the problem is that you are thinking of it as “lowering your standards”, when in fact what you are doing is “adjusting to the reality of the situation”.  Because more than likely your original “standards” for what Prince Charming needs were formed in your starry-eyed 20s, when you really thought you’d be famous or rich or happily married to Mr. Perfect by now.  While your girlish idealism may feed into your key romantic fantasies, the plain fact is that the dude you saw yourself with when you were 25 isn’t on the menu anymore.  

But that doesn’t mean that what is on the menu isn’t just as good . . . maybe better.  

Love happens in the strangest of places, to the most diverse people, and while more often than not that infatuation that drives love dies a natural death pretty early on, it’s also quite true that there are times when love between unlikely pairs blossoms into something incredible and wondrous.  When you have closed your heart to all but a narrow range of possibilities, you have artificially reduced your chances of finding a good mate because of your own inability to envision success.  

One friend of mine left a promising relationship when she was 31 because of her boyfriend’s apparent lack of ambition.  By the time she was 34, it was clear that a secure, decent paying gig is actually a pretty good thing, even if it means she wouldn't get the McMansion of her dreams . . . but by that time he’d gotten snatched up by a girl with more sense.  Then his boss died unexpectedly and left him the business.  Leave your preconceived notions at home when you go on a date, and your chances of finding a man improve dramatically.

After you have ditched your preconceived ideas about who your Mr. Right is, and you have opened yourself to the possibility of a relationship, then your chances of finding a dude go back up.  Remember, the more effective mating strategy is not to find the most handsome, richest guy you can, despite the allure.  Indeed, a man’s Sex Rank comes far less from his looks than his context, and it’s more likely to go up over time than down.  If you are a solid 7, who can whip it up to an 8 or an 8.5 in a pinch, then finding a dude who is a 9 isn’t your best bet at all.  That’s the dude who is going to dump you for a younger model three years after you get married – if he ever commits.

If you’re a solid 7, then finding another 7 or even a 6 is a better bet.  Because in ten years, you’re going to drop a full point and he’s going to rise a full point, and ideally you want your SR to be slightly lower than your future husband’s.  Ditching preconceived ideas about who Mr. Right is and considering men you ordinarily wouldn’t give a second look at increases your chances dramatically.  

That being said, you still have to find the right dude.

I’ve helped a lot of women look for love with varying degrees of success, but one of the key things I do is have her envision her Mr. Right, down to the last detail – because sometimes those details can be key.  

One lady in Manhattan decided to get serious about her reproductive strategy and asked my advice.  After going over her list of must-haves and would-be-nices, I pointed out that the kind of man she wanted (a 30-something engineer who wants kids and has a secure job) is going to be attracted to certain kind of activities, and by placing herself in the right place, she might just hit the right time for Mr. Right to come out of the bushes once she went where the fish were.  In this case, a high-end auto show.  

We mapped out the six bars closest to the convention center the attendees would most likely be drinking in, she boned up on her automotive knowledge (come to find out, her dad and a brother were engineers . . . coincidence?) and she prepared herself for an adventure by cranking up her Sex Rank a point before she went.  The goal was to meet dudes.  

A lot of women forget that.  They want a husband, and a father for their children, but they have been so focused on the intricacies of being a modern woman that they often know fuck-all about dudes.  I regularly counsel men who are in the early stages of a relationship to be careful not to ally themselves with women who are overly feminine, since I’ve witnessed several instances where these unions de-evolved into high-maintenance Beta slavery the moment the honeymoon lingerie was dry.  

A woman who has no real interest in a man’s world is unlikely to make a good wife . . . so developing some dude-related interests, or at least studying men and their ways, gives you a huge advantage over the women who simply get their hair done, shave their legs all the way up, push the girls into something tight and sexy, and hope that their sex appeal will be enough to attract a decent man.  

That can work . . . but knowing a little something about what guys like and how they think actually gets you a better chance at a mate, long-term, than going up a cup size.  No, really.  And that brings us to your biggest advantage.  One of my favorite quotes is “To know thyself is the ultimate form of aggression”.  Knowing your strengths and weaknesses, your desires and your goals, puts you far more in control of your reproductive destiny than the vapid blonde at the end of the bar in the shiny dress.  

Thing is, there are a LOT of pretty girls out there, and you have to be honest: they are your competition.  You are both going after the same guys, even if your motives and ultimate goals differ.  Knowing what you want gives you a big edge.  Knowing what dudes want gives you an even bigger edge.  Having realistic expectations about the way this story ends buffs that edge even more.  

I’d like to be able to tell you, in three or four paragraphs, exactly what every dude in the world wants in a woman, but that would be incorrect.  Men have their own agendas, goals, and preferences, and they vary as widely as women’s.  But there are a few broad generalizations that can be made, and while they seem a little on the remedial side, there are plenty of women out there who fuck up every date they’re on because they ignore some of these basics.

First – and foremost – a man is considering you as a sexual partner.  In your quest for romance and true love, you might conveniently forget that – but none of us did for a fucking moment.  Sex is important for men, perhaps the most important element of the relationship from our perspective.  

For women, sex is the affirmation of infatuation, the natural progression of physical intimacy after emotional and mental intimacy has been established – else, it’s strongly responsive in the heat of the moment.  Most dudes are hoping they can get you in the latter mood by exciting and stimulating you.  Either way, the man you are speaking to is thinking about his chances of fucking you, no matter what he says about your charm, wit, and taste in art.  He might consider you a pump-and-dump opportunity, or he might consider you a long-term humpy partner, but he’s definitely not thinking about whether or not you share a deep emotional connection or how you really feel about the fashion industry.

He wants to fuck you.  Use that.

Not to be mean , but remember that your sexuality is the best “bait” (and I have a few feminist readers who object to that term, but I’ll remind them that for the last 100,000 years, minus the most recent part, men used hunting as the metaphor for most of their activities – and finding quality pussy certainly qualifies) you have.  Not just your appearance, but your openness, your willingness to experiment, and your general attitude toward sex are all going to be factors in how strongly he will be attracted to you.  Showing some cleavage is nice – but it you don’t plan on putting out until you’re engaged, you’ve put yourself into the ‘longshot’ category.  

Unfair?  You betcha.  After all, shouldn't you get to know a guy before you sleep with him?

Of course.  Mostly.  But from his perspective, every moment he spends with you is going to revolve around that question, and if you give him the idea that the only way to get your legs open is with a life-long commitment or too many other hoops, then he’s going to bail on you.  Because there are a lot of pretty girls in the world, and for every one chick who wants to slow down and take her time and evaluate the relationship for a while, there are two chicks that will blow him in the parking lot or head back to his place to rock his world.  They might not even want him permanently, but they have what he wants, and if he has a choice between older pussy he has to work hard for and younger pussy that falls into his bed, he’s much more likely to chase after the latter.

You see, your sexuality is your best attractant, but thanks to feminism, someone dumped their bait in the water, and now sex is EVERYWHERE for a dude.  Sex without commitment, relationships or even last names.  If you have money, you can have sex.  If you have a modicum of Game, you can have sex.  In fact, the only thing stopping most dudes from having a lot more sex is their own willingness to Scalzi-out and pedestalize women to the extent that they become hopeless Beta (Delta) Orbiters.  That is, those dudes who just respect you too much to try anything . . . even if you really want them to.

But for the rest of the guys out there, pussy is still our primary source of inspiration and motivation.  If we think it’s immanent, we’re willing to put up with just about anything.  If we think it’s hopeless, then we find some way to move on to someone with whom it isn’t hopeless.  So the key is to keep him interested in you sexually until you have established whether or not he’s got a couple of hidden dealbreakers in his pocket.

After your sexuality, your personality is going to be your next biggest asset.  That is, a warm and giving personality is going to be more alluring to Mr. Right than a cold and distant bitch who looks like a million bucks.  Remember, the man you are looking for is also interested in a commitment – and as shallow as we dudes are, any man worth marrying is going to want to take a good hard look at your personality.  

What does that mean?  Laughing at his jokes and smiling and making eye contact are all good Girl Game, of course, but after that, what do you do to convince him that you’re good “wife material”?

Well, you might want to start thinking of yourself as such.

It’s amazing how many women think “strong and independent” is what men are looking for.  In point of fact, we only say that because that’s what we think you want to hear, but when we’re alone “strong and independent” usually translates to “ballbuster future ex-wife”, not “future mother of my children/romantic companion unto the end of my days”.  It’s not that we want you to be weak . . . we just want to see some vulnerability, some need for us in your life.  No man wants to be a woman’s unnecessary accessory, and unless he feels like you need him, he’s not going to be interested in more than your vagina.  

(Mrs. Ironwood did this, I realize in retrospect, by cooking for me on our 3rd date.  She already knew I loved to cook and was good at it, so she thought she’d honor me with a meal she cooked.  She made a valiant effort, but by dessert I knew with certainty that any future relationship with her would mean I would be cooking all of our meals – which was perfect.  I’d rather share my toothbrush than my kitchen.)

Apropos to that, don’t discuss your job more than you absolutely have to.  Women who are more engaged in their workplace social life than they are the rest of their lives rarely make ideal wives.  We know you have a job – in fact, it’s a red flag if you don’t.  But we don’t care how much money you make, what your title is, or what Rhonda and Carol said just last week when you complained there weren’t any decent men around.  Unless you both work in the same field, hearing you talk about work when you should be talking about us is another red flag.

Thanks to forty years of feminism, women have been conditioned to believe that men really do want “strong and independent” women, women who put success ahead of other considerations in their life.  They have spent their lives thinking of themselves as a profession or vocation, perhaps as a girlfriend, but hardly as a wife.

So ask yourself, ladies: just what do you have to offer a man as his wife?

That goes beyond your vagina and your high threadcount linens.  Think about what it means to be a wife.  Think about it good and hard.  Imagine what it meant to your grandmother, your mother, and you, and how that changed – and how it didn’t.  Remember that what you are getting is a husband, and that’s a different animal than a live-in boyfriend.  So what can you tell a man that will suggest that you would make a good wife?

Some hints: don’t mention how much you like to cook unless you’re willing to do all the cooking (remember, someone has to).  Don’t mention how much you like to shop unless you do it professionally. (It’s not that we’re anti-shopping, but I think we can all admit that the women who consider shopping a competitive sport have been the ruin of more than one man).    Don’t appear obsessed by celebrities, fashion, or reality television – we can appreciate your interest in them, but unless we’re deep in the closet we really could care less.  

Don’t mention your crazy ex(es).  No one wants to pick up a jealous stalker.  In fact, don’t mention any exes, especially if you’re still good friends with them.  We know you’ve probably had sex, and we’re wary of your “number”, but those kind of details can kill your chances with a guy if you’re too free with them.  If you spent a year just slutting out, you might not want to mention that up front, either.  Sure, he will want to know that, but that’s the sort of thing you discuss with your dude after he’s addicted to the way you give head.

The caveat to that is if you are asked about your “number”, then tell him.  We know you’re lying about it, we just want to hear you say it.  And if you don’t know it off the top of your head . . . red flag.  Nor is a high number death to all hopes of a relationship.  Some dudes mind a lot more than others, and some don’t mind at all.

Don’t talk about your pets.  Even if he asks, that isn’t a sign he’s into dressing up kitty cats like Star Trek characters, too – it’s a test.  If you show more interest in your pets than you do him, that’s a red flag.

DO talk about whether you want kids.  This is the biggest single dealbreaker on either side, and if you want a baby and he doesn't, then it's not going to work out.  Cut your losses and move on, no matter how hot he is. But the conventional wisdom that says "don't discuss children" on a date doesn't really apply at this age.  When you're a 20 year old guy, just about the last thing you want to hear on a date is "I want kids within the next six months!", which is just under "Y'know I'm a dude, right?" 

But a 40 year old man might also have a powerful biological itch to be scratched.  Believe it or not, your desire to have children may actually improve your subjective Sex Rank.  Or your decision not to have (any more) kids may be just what he's looking for.  This is one of the few points upon which you should be honest and upfront.  Fatherhood is a serious issue for guys, so don't play around with that.

Here's the thing: even if you don't want kids, a dude is still going to imagine what kind of mother you'd make, and that's going to profoundly feed his attraction to you.  While few of us expect to be "mothered" on a daily basis by our wives, there are indeed times in every man's life when his success or failure depends on the matronly emotional support his wife can muster.  If your wife can't comfort you and make you feel better when you don't feel well, it's not ideal.

It comes down to this: when a man is evaluating a woman for a relationship, he’s either looking for a) the mother of his children or b) the sex kitten of his dreams or c) All Of The Above.  They aren’t looking for an ambitious climber with a fat 401k, a leased luxury car and her own home.  

Think of them as the traditional Manosphere “Alpha/Beta” mix: you want to demonstrate your “Beta” skills as potential wife and mother, while simultaneously hinting at your “Alpha” skills, that is, your sexuality and social adeptness.  And yes, a decent guy is going to want both, even if he doesn’t want kids.  If you aren’t willing to compromise on that . . . well, don’t expect him to put a ring on it.  Or even call you again.  “He’s just not that into you” is often code for “nice ass, but she was a bitch to the busboy” or “she was friendly enough, but she hasn't had sex in two years and I need someone hornier than that in my life.”

Yeah.  We're really like that.

Feminist propaganda to the contrary, men have all but given up lighthearted commitments anymore.  It's just too expensive.  That is, don’t expect to move in with a dude after six dates, the way you could back in the 1990s.  As men are starting to realize that they are gatekeepers of commitment, they’re also starting to realize that their commitment has value.  If you aren’t attractive, sexually available, and easy-to-get-along-with, then yeah, you’re going to have a hard time finding a husband.  And that’s before he’s had a chance to even look at your baggage.

Beyond that, do you have any notion what being a “wife” entails?  It’s not just what you’re called after the big party with the pretty dress.  Being a wife is a job description, and the best way to get the job is to make sure you have the credentials.  The whole “co-equal partnership” ideal is crap – husbands and wives who make their marriages work tend to be willing to compromise and watch each others’ backs, not jealously guard their individual prerogatives.  Being a wife is more than being an “official girlfriend”.  There are expectations and responsibilities tied up with being a wife.  If you aren’t willing to live up to those, then perhaps you should abandon your search.  

This is a true story: a man I know dumped an otherwise good prospect because she wasn’t willing to change her last name to his if they got married.  I knew both parties, and I knew that this was a Very Big Deal to the dude – he was an only child and the last of his line, and he felt that it was important for his wife and child to share his name.  He was trying to build a family, after all.

When the woman tearfully called me a few weeks later (she had apparently exhausted the patience of our other mutual friends) to complain, I gently pointed out that I’d known the man for a long time, and he’d always made that a dealbreaker.  She didn't think he was being serious . . . or that she could get him to change his mind.  She had established a career under her maiden name and didn’t wan the inconvenience of changing her name or even adding “Mrs.” to it – she thought it was a needless anachronistic atavism.  

He didn’t.  He thought it was a traditional sign of respect for his ancestors.  Family was important to him, whereas to her the wedding was the important part.  She didn’t want to be a “wife”, she wanted to be a “bride”.  She wanted the party and the attention and the feeling of success she’d get for finally landing a man . . . she didn’t really want the husband that comes with all of it.  In fact, when I asked her about her potential future with him, she didn’t have much to say after she told me everything she’d imagined about the exotic honeymoon.  She wanted to get married – she didn’t want to be married.

And when the dude and I talked about it, he pointed out that if she was unwilling to compromise on such a fundamental issue so important to him before the wedding, then she would be even less likely to compromise on issues important to them both after they were married.  He didn’t want a “strong and independent co-equal partner” he had to discuss and get approval for every move he makes, he wanted a wife.  While the latter can be a part of the former, those aren’t essential skills for a wife.

What?  You didn’t know being a wife involved a skillset?  Perhaps I’ll cover this in a future post.  

So if you’re in the neighborhood of 40 and you find yourself single, ladies, it’s not the end of the world.  It’s a challenge.  A big one.  Finding a decent man now is going to be hard, much harder than when you were younger, prettier, and skinnier, but most of your Girl Game relies on what’s going on in your head, not your bra.  If you can shake your own mind around a bit and get out of the self-made traps that sabotage your efforts, then you have a fighting chance to dramatically improve your odds of being Mrs. Charming some day.

It’s not a sure thing . . . but then again, what is?  The only way you can really lose is by giving up.  Hell, even romance novels know that much.