Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Alpha Move: Change Your Underwear

“If you were a man who loved sex . . .”

That statement sounds oxymoronic, I know . . . but I threw it out there for the express purpose of making you snort.  A similar phrase, “If you were a woman who loved sex,” was recently used by a feminist sex blogger to elicit interesting metaphors.  I found the exercise interesting because it a) validated pretty much everything I’ve learned about Game and female sexuality and b) the fact that she had to phrase the question with an IF demonstrates quite a lot about the state of American female sexual psychology. 

But like many things in the murky frontier of feminist sex advice, I thought I’d turn it around a little and, indeed, ask the same question of my male readers.  Why?  Mostly for giggles . . . but also because I think one major component of Betacization, both generally and in marriage, is the point at which a man stops thinking of himself as sexy – which means both “attractive to others” and “comfortably aware of his own sexual desires”. 

Athol touches on this a lot, as part of the Male Action Plan (and the Mindful Attraction Plan).  But I think it bears a post on its own, because it is such a prevalent issue.

Men are not trained to think of themselves as sexy, the way women are.  There are reasons for that.  They are not always good reasons, especially in a post-industrial society.

Female sexuality remains context-based, and female attraction runs toward a context that pulls her toward both security (during menstruation) and excitement (during ovulation).  Indeed, one could say female sexuality is fulcrum between security and excitement.  While that fulcrum moves with occasionally-predictable regularity, it is constantly moving.  What a woman finds “sexy” is going to wax and wane like the inconstant moon.  And it’s going to change as she ages.

One thing that isn’t going to change, however, is that her sexuality will always be primarily responsive in nature.  As in, ‘she’s responding to you’.  And as we all know, the fawning, begging-for-sex-because-I’ve-been-a-good-boy Beta play in marriage leads to bed death and eventual divorce or misery.  If you want sex with your woman, you have to be sexy.

Unfortunately, that tinny little word has some negative connotations in the masculine world.  Women are sexy.  Men are attractive.  Women use their sexuality to attract high-quality men.  Men use their context – their social status, position, and charisma – to attract sexy women.  If you want to bang a bunch of hot babes, being cute and well-built never hurts.  But a Ferrari can close a deal even if you look like John Lovitz.

What men forget is that the “sexy” component that they shy away from as “unmanly” is one of the things that women respond to.  And while women are attracted to context, being adept at recognizing which end of the see-saw her fulcrum is situated and responding accordingly is vital.  To do that, a man has to recognize, cultivate, and appreciate the value of his own sexuality, and the effect it can have on the woman in his life.

And that’s just not something we usually encourage in our young men without the aid of ethanol and cannabis.  Even then, there is a lingering sense of shame that sometimes accompanies the idea that Yes, I’m A Sexy Dude. 

As men, we rarely invest in valuing our sexuality – we spend most of our lives trying to give it away.  By the time we get married or settle into a committed LTR, we walk away from whatever tentative appreciation of our own sexuality we’d cultivated by accident, because we make the mistake of thinking that wedding cake is an aphrodisiac.

All too soon the reality sets in.  Hence the need for Married Game.

A big part of breaking that Betacization is getting back to that I’m A Sexy Dude attitude that manifests itself in confidence.  Allowing our own insecurities and fears of rejection to take over the joint without the validation of sex creates a horrific self-fulfilling prophecy. 

In essence, if you don’t think of yourself as sexy . . . why should your wife?

The MAP is essentially a roadmap back to Sexyland, but it begins by breaking the bad BETA habits of a lifetime.  Diminishing your own sexuality or undervaluing it, for instance.  Mistaking your wife’s jealousy over the attention other women sometimes pay you into an excuse to let yourself go.  A desire for masculine conformity that ends up keeping you from distinguishing yourself – from the Beer Shield of extended adolescence to the corporate and casual uniforms that shroud our aggressive sexuality.

Think of it this way: being sexy is scary.  You have to step out of your comfort zone and be willing to be dangerous . . . and for a Betacized OMG, that can be a daunting prospect.  Yet a man who isn’t willing to consider himself sexually valuable is going to have a hard time achieving his objective, i.e. more and better sex.

What’s worse, your wife uses your lack of appreciation of your own sexual value against you, if you let her.  It starts in subtle ways, as you attempt to establish long-term dominance in the relationship.  But in the process of mutual-domesticization, she starts undercutting your masculine displays.  When she buys you clothes, she’ll start buying more conservatively after a few years.  She’ll tell you how cute she thinks your belly is.  She’ll assure you that you’re sexy when, in fact, she’s actually thinking ‘adorable’. 

What she’s actually doing here is a form of mate guarding.  She wants to decrease your physical attractiveness, the sort of thing that might attract the raw animal passions of an opportunistic stalker (or her sister), while playing up your contextual attractiveness – your success in business or career.  For the first few years of marriage, being married to a dorky-looking over-achiever is a good way to keep her marriage safe.

Unfortunately, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  As she becomes less physically attracted to him, and starts to crave novelty, the Betacized Dude mistakenly thinks that she wants yet more comfort and stability, because that’s what she’s been playing up.  So he makes sure the lawn looks extra-spiffy, he watches Dancing With The Stars with her, and he stops initiating sex as much . . . or stops pushing sexual boundaries as the supply starts to dry up.

From this stage, it isn’t long before she’s totally un-attracted to him, stops putting any effort into sex, and has to start taking over the reins of the relationship by default.  He’s too confused about why he’s not getting laid as much anymore to assert himself, and while she loves the control she feels in the relationship, it’s a hollow victory.  He’s folded up, ready to concede to whatever she wants. 

Of course, what she really wants is a lot more ALPHA in her diet.  The comfort and security of a good BETA dude has made her complacent, and that’s made her restless.  And when her man stops being ALPHA, she starts to resent him.  No matter how supportive he is of her, it is a woman’s nature to find fault with the BETA in ways that an ALPHA-presenting man won’t stand.

Cultivating an active and potent sexuality is part of that presentation.  That’s very, very difficult for a Betacized man to accomplish without some guidance.  If he listens to the advice of the women in his life, which he is likely to do under the mistaken assumption that they know what they’re talking about, then he’s going to get a nice haircut, dress up more, do more housework, and essentially kiss her ass until she’s forced by the power of expectation to reward him, often un-enthusiastically.  He dresses up, takes her out, spends a lot of money, and yeah, she feels obligated to put out for him.  Not wildly fuck him, like they were teenagers in heat, but she’ll do her wifely duty and he’ll assume that things are grand because, hey, he had sex.

But he knows the difference.  When you are quietly laying there thinking of something else other than him and your mutual passion, he knows.  It’s not that it isn’t enjoyable, but there is a difference.  And that difference starts with his presentation.  This poor Betacized man has stopped thinking of himself as sexy, stopped thinking of himself as having sexual value, because his commitment to the marriage and its security, coupled with the subtextual messages his wife has been sending him, have convinced him that that’s not what she wants.

When in fact that’s precisely what she wants. 

How do you break the bad BETA habits and find your mojo again?  The MAP will give you the practical answers to that, but philosophically it starts when you start valuing your sexuality enough to invest in it.  That means moving out of the marriage-of-appeasement that eventually turns into a bad sitcom, where you’re constantly looking stupid while she makes sarcastic comments about your masculinity and you whine about sex.  It means creating a marriage in which the power of your masculinity, particularly your masculine sexuality, can continue to elicit delight and surprise, not boredom and anxiety.

Where to start?  A new suit a threads can help, as can a good haircut, but that’s window dressing any reality show could tell you.  Being a well-dressed dork still means you’re a dork.  You need to up your Married Game, which means you need to change your approach from the ground up.  

So start with your underwear.

No, really.  Men rarely (only 30-40% of the time) buy their own underwear, and they will hang on to beloved pairs far, far in excess of their expiration date.  Most of the underwear they get in their lives will be a present from one woman or another.  Or if you’re a die-hard tighty-whitey fan, you can get your undergarments in packs of three at Walmart . . . not exactly an Alpha Move.

So before you rush out and invest in a new suit, start with your drawers.  Spend some dough on some quality, and experiment with styles and fabrics. 

Does that make you sneer in contempt at the thought of something so unmanly?

Get over it.  That’s the point.  Unless your preferred style is Commando, then stuffing your junk into something you like, instead of what someone else thought you should like, is going to be empowering.

I was a tighty-whitey man for decades, largely out of necessity and habit.  In a working-class house with three boys, the one-size-fits-all approach to undies was understandable.  It wasn’t until I followed some advice and tried on a pair of boxers that I realized I’d been in the wrong underwear for years.  Boxers were manly in a classical sense and they came in endless fabrics and styles and designs. 

To each their own, and it’s quite possible you may decide to go the other direction, from boxers to briefs.  But regardless of the change, try a change.  Buy some new, different, underwear on your own, without consulting your wife.  Don’t even mention it afterward.  Just start wearing them.

This will have a couple of effects: first, it will call attention to your nether regions, never a bad thing in a relationship.  But second, it will raise a few alarm bells in her mind, based on the fact that every woman’s magazine article for the last fifty years has listed “buys new underwear” as one of the unmistakable signs that your man is cheating on you.  Dudes don’t buy new underwear when they are in a secure, stable, happy relationship.  They do buy new underwear when they’re trying to impress someone.

When she does notice, she’ll make a comment either in favor or against it.  If she makes a comment in favor, chalk it up as a success and segue into initiating sex.  She’ll be on it for the novelty, if nothing else.  If she makes a critical comment, listen very carefully to just what and why she objects to the change.

First, if she demands to know why you changed, merely shrug and say “I needed new underwear.  These make me feel sexy.”  Grin boyishly.

If she asks you point-blank if you’re having an affair, not only do you have her worried, but you’ll be backing into a little Dread Game.  Assure her you aren’t, but that you wanted to try something new. 

If she makes a disparaging or emasculating remark . . . shove it in her face.   A wife who is willing to cut down her husband’s sincere attempt at cultivating his sexuality – for her benefit – in a way that’s designed to undercut his confidence is well on her way to shrew-hood.  Making a crack about your new shorts is designed to hurt your feelings for no other reason.  It's a micro shit-test, and the only way to deal with it is a strong counter, along the lines of, 'Criticize much?  What if I said your new bra made you look like your mother?" or something similar.  Then walk away, fuming.

Unless it is made in a teasing and openly sexual way (ladies, here’s a hint: if you aren’t smiling and giggling, we’re not going to see it as teasing or sexual, but as critical and hurtful) then you know that she’s trying to dominate the relationship from the bedroom.

Buying new skivvies is a very small, very minor way to assert your ALPHA, but it puts her on notice that you, not she, is in control of your business.  When you actively pick you what kind of cloth you want next to your junk, and don’t depend on her to decide that for you, you’re establishing some territorial bounds.

That isn’t to say that she can’t buy you new underwear, too, or that you shouldn’t wear them.  But a brand-new pair of underwear that you selected for no better reason than you liked them lets her know that you have establish a boundary to your masculinity, a boundary she should be wary of crossing.

Now, if you’re worried about her not liking them . . . don’t.  It doesn’t matter if she likes them.  Indeed, it might work better if she doesn’t.  That isn’t to say you should stop wearing them; on the contrary, wear them often and proudly.  But it will get her attention and it will get her notice.  It’s novel, it’s vaguely sexual, how could it not?

But “if you’re a man who loves sex” (duh) then you should invest some time and attention to what you wrap your ass in.  Remember, your sexuality is a gift, and it deserves an appropriate wrapping.  One that reminds you that you are, indeed, not just a sexual creature – but that your explosive male sexuality has value.  Value that only increases over time.  

And if she is unwilling to see that . . . there are plenty of ladies out there who will.


  1. Good article, but I wish you wouldn't call the male organs "junk". They are not "junk", that sounds like a feminist term. They are a man's pride, the symbol of his manhood, traditionally called the "family jewels." Let's give them the respect they deserve.

  2. Most excellent post from top to bottom. The way men become beta-cized is dead on, as is the wife's general compliance yet contempt for them.

    When I swallowed the red-pill, I took the exact approach you recommended. New threads, and new "sexy" man underwear. I went from boxers to Lucky and Puma boxer briefs, which were a big change style wise. And like you alluded to, my wife outright asked if I was cheating on her and you could nearly audibly hear the balance shift more in my direction in a number of ways. The result of the new underwear were almost literally the first main benchmark that denoted the changing (for the better) of our married relationship. Do not underestimate your skivvies dudes!

  3. Well done. The fading of a sense of sexiness in the Beta Man is a good insight.

    Also, "tiny" rather than "tinny", and the fulcrum stays in place. The pendulum swings.

  4. I have a question. I do enjoy buying clothes for my husband. He is military so most days it is uniform (which is hot)....but after work he changes/weekends needs something to wear. I tend to buy things that I find attractive on him. I don't try to dress him down, I just want to find what he is wearing as sexy.

    A couple of years ago he stopped wearing things tucked in for the most part because the younger guys in his unit would rag on him. I think tucked in is totally hot. you think that I am subconsiously trying to dress him a certain way(not the "trendiest"/current) or do you think he should consider my sexual taste in dress? I am taking away from this post that he should dress what is sexy to the majority, not necessarily me? Am I reading this wrong? I always kind of wondered about this.

    1. Thanks for writing, Sarah.

      The issue isn't just who buys the underwear, it's a matter of self-image. The goal isn't just to look sexy . . . it's to feel sexy. That's an important distinction that I think most women understand but that most men don't, because we are rarely encouraged to feel sexy. It has little to do about what the majority think looks sexy . . . it has everything to do with what makes him feel sexy enough to keep his confidence high and his self-image good.

      I wouldn't have a whole conversation about how he dresses, because that is likely to make him actually more self-conscious. And just as women dress for other women at work, men have a slightly different presentation style when the are at work, regardless of the job. What I would recommend is the occasional off-hand comment when something he wears or how he wears it trips your trigger. And then let it percolate into his subconscious. This is one of those cases where a little positive-reinforcement can pay big dividends, but if you belabor the topic, it just becomes criticism.

      It sounds ironic, but if you really want to boost him up, encourage any of your close female friends to likewise make comments, if you can do so without it coming out contrived or threatening. Let him hear you brag about his sexiness to your female friends (builds respect) and any comments from them help boost his confidence.

      I wouldn't worry about how you dress him . . . as long as you ensure you ask him his opinion and respect it when shopping. And yes, he probably should consider your sexual tastes in how he dresses. Especially if he wants to have sex with you.

      It's a delicate balancing act, no doubt. But as long as you don't make him feel like his mom is dressing him, and he gets some reinforcement from others, it shouldn't be a problem. And heck . . . just ask him his opinion about the matter. You might be surprised by what you hear.

      Thanks again for writing, and good luck!


    2. Thank you for the reply. I can definitely do all that. :) I usually already tell him when I think he is looking hot. However, it was really funny the other day because he walked into the bathroom (where I was putting on makeup) the other day in something new. I must have had a look...because he laughed and told me I gave him the "meat stare". I laughed/denied/teased...but yeah, I did and he knows it.

    3. I started to wear more of my civilian clothes untucked because it is the more current style and my younger and very stylish wife casually mentioned to me that she liked dress shirts tucked in on me much better. "I like the look that says I'm in charge, instead of I'm one of the dudes"
      Note that she didn't tell me what to do, she just honestly told me her preferences.
      Now I leave the T shirts out, I think they just look better that way, and tuck the collared shirts in.

  5. I like the way you mention to women to "smile and giggle" if they are playfully teasing their man - so, the man will understand it is just feminine teasing. I have been lurking in the Manosphere for awhile and find so much of the writing begins with a basic misunderstanding of the way females communicate. (The Feminist blogs misunderstand men, is a wonder than men and women still seek each other out!) I have been baffled by my own husband getting offended when I was just playfully teasing him - obvious to me, but not him - I now make a point of smiling/giggling, so he knows. You acknowledge that words a man may take literally/seriously may have been playful female teasing - possibly a "fitness test" (but I don't understand why men seem to resent the fitness testing...just accept it and be playful with it...getting all aloof/huffy is failing the test!).

    1. Essentially, it's a fitness test if it is a respectful challenge ("Let's go to Valabar's tonight! I feel like dressing up!") and it's a shit test if the respect is lacking and the difficulty level is unreasonable ("Let's go to Tahiti! I deserve to be extravagant and if you love me, you'll do it!").

      All men get fitness tests. Too many men get shit tests. When it becomes unreasonable, or is disrespectful, that's when you get the frowny face. Hence the giggle/smile subtextual element that indicates teasing. But be warned: if it is a subject near and dear to his heart, you may discover what ordinarily would have been mere light banter can have a disproportionate effect on his mood. And a lot of importance is placed on over-all delivery. You can't criticize him all day and then offer a lighthearted, teasing fitness test, or it just sounds like you're being a little bitchy. If you want to communicate something of import to him in a manner which he finds acceptable, you can always add a kiss and a full body wiggle to help sell the idea without getting his hackles up.

      Good luck!

    2. Many women try to excuse all sorts of biting, bitchy, controlling and even abusive behavior with "It was just a joke" or "I was just teasing." My older sister did this to me regularly, but it's also commonly used by girls against other girls.
      It is actually wickedly effective because if the guy responds in almost any way it means "he can't take a joke" which is also very insulting in guy world.
      I don't think there is much miscommunication, the woman is trying to perform an act of dominance over the man by her insults. The man understands this and it pisses him off. If he then acts mad, the woman gets the thrill of domination, but then loses respect for and desire for the man. If he blows it off and doesn't worry about it, the woman loses the attempt at domination and it interests her.
      Be Cool guys.

  6. I learned something else - the difference between a "fitness test" and a "shit test"! I did not know there was a difference! You men! All of these definitions and sub-definitions and rules....

    1. Yes, we're terribly terribly confusing with all of our subtleties, our subtextual communication and innuendo, our . . . wait, wrong gender.

      If you're a woman visiting the Manosphere, you will learn these things . . . but most of the men in the Manosphere are learning these things for the first time themselves. We like definitions and generalities and hierarchies and such. It's our way. Rules and such help us navigate the treacherous waters of heterosexuality and get what we want and need. Without the rules, we're pretty much at y'all's mercy.

  7. Ian, you said that "female sexuality remains context-based, and female attraction runs toward a context that pulls her toward both security (during menstruation) and excitement (during ovulation)."

    This I get. At the end of the paragraph you mention that "it’s going to change as she ages."

    I don't recall you or Athol discussing this much. Most game advice, including married game advice, seems to make many of the same assumptions regarding female sexuality as unmarried game advice, where the girls are, well, girls.

    I would really appreciate some discussion of how female attraction differs for the older married woman compared to when she was younger.


  8. I just love being told to read here. Its such a visual feast! Where *do* you find these illustrations!?!? - Kate

  9. " “If you were a man who loved sex . . .”

    That statement sounds oxymoronic, I know . . ."

    It doesn't to me. It's strange that I am confident and dominant in many interactions, I have T levels around 400, under average for 35 but inside the reference range, I admire feminine beauty and I love to fondle my wife's buttocks or breasts, but I had always two minds about the actual act of sex, it's awkward, tiresome, slightly disgusting, all those fluids, tiresome, sweaty and smelly. And there is something awkward about getting naked in general. Not really my piece of cake. I enjoy a good food or booze or book more. I would actually prefer not to have a sex drive if there was some other way to become a father which I do desire.

    BTW I had a similar experience with martial arts. I love the idea, the ideal of warriorhood. Then I went to a dojo and I realized it is about sweaty, smelly people touching each others bodies. Eeek. No, thanks.

    Am I strange?

    1. As someone that's scored lower, but still inside the reference range, I would recommend talking to your doc about testosterone therapy. Remember that reference range is based on an average of men from 18 to upper 70s if not higher. So 400 is a good number, for 50+ yr old. I'm the same age as you. I just got my first shot a week or so ago. Trust me, it makes a difference. At the very least, get them regular for 6 months, then reassess. If you still really have no interest, then so be it. I just would dread to think that you might miss out on sex over something that might be a simple hormone thing.

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