Friday, September 27, 2013

Red Pill Marriage: Romance Is A Verb

There have been some murmurings around the Manosphere about the conundrum of Romance in a Post-Red Pill relationship.  The argument on the one side is that Romance is blue-pill propaganda designed to obfuscated the stark, cold reality of male/female intersexual relations and our respective reproductive strategies.  The other side says that the Red Pill simply means a re-definition of romance.

This should not be an issue, but I understand why it is for many men. You see, I'm a die-hard romantic, and one of the hardest things I had to do was rectify my new Red Pill perspective with my innate desire to pursue romance.  I like romance.  I'm a writer, it's kind of my bread-and-butter.

The problem is that most men have an imperfect understanding of "romance" in the truest sense.  Like "chivalry", the term is oft-misused, sometimes damnably so.  For our purposes, consider "romance" to be the cultural context surrounding the desire and attraction involved in mating.

Undoubtedly there are those who will take issue of such an unromantic definition of romance.  But that's what the Red Pill truth is. Game is Romance.  Of course, the flirtation and infatuation implicit in Single Game is usually what is meant by the term -- a cursory inspection of romance literature will reveal a poverty of married heroines -- and almost always, culturally speaking, our common conceptions of romance are wrapped around the rituals and enterprises associated with that electrifying first meeting.

If one were to distill the impulse for middle-aged women to read romance novels like teenage boys watch porn, then one could reasonably draw the conclusion that their addiction is to the novelty of the infatuation experience.  That also explains why a woman's devotion to romance literature is usually in inverse proportion to her happiness with any given long term relationship.

But if Game Is Romance, then Married Game must have -- and does have -- a romantic component.  Indeed, it is essential for the satisfying and nourishing fulfillment of a long-term committed relationship.

 Mating without romance is possible, and it's done all too often, but it is an imperfect and unfulfilled expression of the art.  Married couples in a "sexless relationship" are watching their marriage die as much due to the lack of cultural context to provide meaning, structure, and enjoyment to their mating as lack of physical sex.

What the Red Pill man must understand, if he is to have a successful Red Pill marriage, is that romance is the essential lubrication that eases the emotional communication involved in mating.  Married Game-style romance involves dating your wife (see my Red Pill Date series for details), understanding and communicating with your wife, and -- perhaps most importantly of all -- enjoying your wife.

Enjoying her company.  Enjoying her conversation.  Enjoying hearing her perspective and engaging her intellectually and emotinoally.  Looking forward to seeing her at the end of the day and appreciating seeing her as the first thing you see every morning.  Enjoying your sexual relationship.  Enjoying your cultural relationship.  Enjoying those interests you have in common and appreciating those interests you have separately.

Romance is how you do that. It's how you build attraction that culminates in sex, and sustain attraction through those times when stress and real life make sustaining attraction (or even finding the time to indulge in attraction) challenging.  Romance is what you do to engage your spouse's passion.  People aren't romantic.  People do romantic things.

Think of it this way: Romance is a verb. It is something you do.

Just about all of the Alpha Displays I've discussed are romantic in nature, even if they are subtle.  When a man displays a dominant presentation to his wife, demonstrating his value as a partner, and projecting the confidence and desire he feels for his woman, he is being romantic whether he understands it or not.

When a woman indulges in an Alpha Display and invites a man's attention through her presentation, she is being romantic whether she knows it or not.  Romance is the expression of your desire and attraction in a manner in which your partner understands and appreciates it.

That means that romance occurs as the common denominator between the two of you.  Romance is your mutual cultural context for mating.

While you might think waving your penis in her face is romantic, unless she understands it for the sincere symbol of desire and attraction that it is (and, let's face it, that's highly unlikely), it ain't romantic.  While she might see buying you three new shirts and two new sets of underwear as a heartfelt demonstration of her attraction and desire for you, unless you really understand what that symbol means, you just got new underwear.  It ain't romance.  

Of course, everyone wants to be able to experience that first blush of infatuation again -- that's why both men and women crave novelty in their relationships.  It's Nature's way of keeping things interesting.  Romance, in a Red Pill relationship, should ideally be a way to revisit that delightful sensation through novel experience . . . or re-investing old experience with new meaning.  In a Red Pill marriage, romance should be a reflection of the enjoyment that has gone before coupled with the stability and emotional security you have mutually established, and charged with a jolt of novel experience to re-invigorate the feeling.

Going to the same old place for dinner on date night is moderately romantic.  Going to the same old place for dinner on date night . . . dressed as if you were going to prom is romantic.

Getting her flowers "just because" is low-level romantic.  Getting her an exotic orchid you grew yourself in secret is much more romantic.

Giving him a note saying "I Love You!" in his lunch is low-level romantic.  Giving him a note that says "I Love You!  Skip lunch and meet me in the parking lot!" is much, much more romantic.

And that brings us to an important point: ladies, to dudes, sex IS romantic.  That becomes harder to pull off the longer your acquaintance, as the desire for novelty and the familiarity with your partner make it difficult to turn "boring married people sex" into something exciting enough to be romantic.

There's an unfortunate willingness to separate sex and romance in marriage as women get comfortable with their husbands.  A man with enough ALPHA is going to find this distressing and up his dominance to counter -- which means upping his game, and increasing her excitement level.

But the poor dude who's mired in BETAland is going to think that Romance is the same thing as Ass Kissing. He's going to make the tragic mistake in thinking that if he just gives a woman what she says she wants, she's going to reward him with her love, affection, and sexuality out of pure gratitude.

He doesn't understand that the vibrant, ALPHA component of sexual dominance MUST BE present, that the spark of excitement and novelty necessary to re-awaken those feelings of infatuation, no matter how many times she's backed over them,  MUST BE engaged if you want to engage her feelings of romance.

In short, you can't be a romantic pussy.  Real romance, in a Red Pill marriage, requires thoughtful consideration, understanding, and a willingness to dare to push the emotional and physical boundaries of your relationship. It's part of the years-long subtextual conversation you and your spouse enjoy -- and you had better be enjoying it -- and the need and desire for this context doesn't go away over time.

Your wife won't suddenly decide she doesn't need to be flattered and complimented any more when she's 40 -- quite the contrary.  Your husband isn't likely to decide that exciting, exotic sex is just too adolescent for a man of his maturity.  Nothing could be further from the truth. You both want passion, excitement, and enthusiasm to compliment your stability, commitment, and security.  You both want romance -- sexually charged, lust-building, will-be-thinking-about-it-when-I-masturbate-later ROMANCE -- in your life.

All you have to do is make it happen.

It may be helpful to think of it this way: Romance, in a Red Pill marriage, is that cultural context that makes your spouse feel loved, cherished, appreciated, and genuinely excited about still being with you.  Do those things, whether it's a love sonnet or a blowjob, and you will be tapping into the vital vein of romance you desire.

Romance is a verb.  Go do some.


  1. Excellent post. I have a tendency to use romance as synonymous with cherishment.

  2. This seems way too complicated.

    Romance is not contradictory to Red Pill thinking, but only if the man likes romance.

    A lot of men don't even know they like it, and haven't really explored that dramatic, aesthetic side of themselves, and no wonder with the way men are constantly being trashed these days.

    For a man, romance is setting the scene, painting the picture, enjoyable in and of itself. That it makes women melt, while valid, is secondary to the fact that the man enjoys it himself, enjoys not only the romantic experience, but the feeling of mastery that comes from knowing he can have that effect on a woman.

    Watch this video of a fifty year old guy making a girl thirty years his junior swoon. Granted he is a pop star, but one who hasn't had a hit in decades. Is there anything about his performance that is in any way supplicating? No. The principle for all romance is the same.

    Start watching at 2:38 for the short version:

    1. Ian you are my favorite blogger maybe period right now, your posts are always concise but on this post I agree with the other anoymous commentor

      my definition has always been romance is
      "enjoying a woman the way you would like to"

      romance is inviting a woman into the mans personal world for a time, she does not have permanent residence. even if they are married.

      in this example, the stage and song belong to earth wind and fire, they make music for enjoment and money. its their world. in this moment Earth Wind and Fire lead by the singer and the sax player allowed a woman to be apart of their stage, their world for a moment. she cherishes that, the singer doesnt, he cherishes his gift of song and the music.

      if he cherishes the moment the way the woman did, it is no longer romantic. the woman is allowed to give up emotional control to him and the moment, he cant give up emotional control to her and the moment but he can to the music, to the song

      your example of growing an orchid in secret and giving it to a woman isnt as romantic. romance is a man who grows orchids for his own pleasure, and his woman/wife never knew and he takes her to his greenhouse one day and shows them to her, lets her smell them, touch them and THEN gives her one, thats romantic

      you say "Real romance, in a Red Pill marriage, requires thoughtful consideration, understanding, and a willingness to dare to push the emotional and physical boundaries of your relationship"

      I say it requires a willingness to dare to push the emotional and physical boundaries of YOURSELF, thus the relationship is pushed.

      romance isnt a husband and wife learning to salsa {love is}, romance is a man learning how to salsa and making his wife dress up every friday night and taking her to salsa clubs and teaching her

      the lack of romance isnt the couple getting comfortable with each other thats the symptom, the cause is the man becoming comfortable with HIMSELF and allowing the wife to become comfortable with herself even. in love there is comfort, in romance their is a level of discomfort which is what you are speaking of

      the man must take himself and his desires and his enjoyment fully into account without any regard for anyone else and in this moment he invites a woman to share himself, his desires and enjoyment with also because he would enjoy it.

      this is all alpha is anyway

    2. You make an excellent and outstanding point that was missed in my post.

      I was headed in that direction, but you crossed the T, so to speak. Yes, romance (for a man) is when he shares with a woman something intensely personal, something that he's passionate about, in a way that demonstrates his consideration and willingness to include her in his personal world.

      For men, this is a vitally important point to be understood. This cannot be compelled. Like chivalry, it is an act of grace, unexpected, unrequested, and undemanded.

      And for women . . . goddess help you if you misinterpret this romantic gesture and dismiss it for less than what it is. When a man deigns to share part of his private life with you, you pay attention . . . or you have tossed his metaphorical flowers in the trash can. This can lead to all kinds of unpleasantness, from the passive-aggressive to the overtly pissed off.

      Let me ponder. I feel a post coming on.

  3. Problem is that most women are now 'wise' to romance, and don't actually want a full blown romantic relationship. They are hardened, cold, bitter and more interested in the man's world of career, money, recognition and personal success.

    Romance only works when the female submits to the male and it only works long term where the female resigns to be the no#2 in the man's world and accepts that she must tolerate some of her man's foibles to enjoy his good side.

    These days, women are too caught up in the romantic ideals of feminist equality, some perfect harmony where they can have an MBA and sit on the board of directors and work 18 hours days for a 6-7 figure salary and also have a happy family... so where is the WIFE !!! ?

    Where is she ? ?

  4. The other problem is that the average 30-40 something guy, doesn't want to date his 30-40 something wife who has 2-3 kids to take care of...... if he has to go to all that effort, he can date 20 something girls.... that are single, pretty, more fashionable, not saddled with kids, sagging tits and a muffin top and so forth....

    I don't need to go out and chase 8s and 9s in a nightclub precisely because I am married and have a nice comfy home....

    I don't want to date a single mother that happens to have given birth to children that share my genetic heritage....

    I want a wife that appreciates the trade off in marriage, doesn't need me to play childish immature head games, doesn't need wooing every evening like its day one... and is constantly judging me in case she gets a chance to move on for something better...

    Imagine if every time you needed a car you had to get to the airport car rental lot and fill in paper work... pretty soon you just wouldn't bother... not unless it was a Ferrari....

    1. @ Anonymous "if he has to go to all that effort" - which is kind of the point: romance takes effort. A task that doesn't take effort is mundane, rote, routine. It is highly doubtful that a wife (let alone womanhood in general) would find effortless actions on your part to be romantic. And how can you appreciate something that takes no effort on your part?

      As someone who fits your stated criterion, you do not speak for me. Do I want to date my wife? Absolutely. Every evening? Not possible, on many fronts (and a false strawman argument to boot). I do not want to take my marriage for granted; it turning mundane, rote, routine.
      The effort required is mental just as much as resource based (time & money). I had to condition myself to not making 'date night' a romantic disaster, not because I didn't spend the $50-$100 for a babysitter, $40 for a movie, $75 for the dinner and drinks, nor the time to get a haircut, shave, shower, the special-occaisions cologne, coordinating the reservations and babysitters, but because I was mentally distracted on the drain on resources and not having a good time, let alone remotely romantic. I had to willingly expend the mental efforts to make it romantic - which is hard.

      It is very sad that you don't want to date your wife, nor spend the effort on your relationship with her, that you want to make your wife rote, mundane, routine: I pity your children that have to grow up afflicted with your marriage to their mother.

  5. @blogRot : Marriage is an investment.... an investment partnership where both partners have to put in..... your patronizing white knight comments don't seem to take most marital experiences into account.

    Take for example a married woman who is at home all day with both kids in school. You would think that she should have time in the evening for her husband who works 12 hour days and provides a very nice life style for her and the children...

    Sadly a woman can simply claim she doesn't "feel" like it.... shut herself off, and behave in an emotionally immature way....

    If a husband behaved like this, the mortgage would default, the school fees wouldn't be paid, the cars would not be serviced and eventually breakdown, the phone would be cut off and so on and so forth..... because he didn't "feel" like meeting his end of the bargain that month.....

    all over some silly comment that ticked him off....

    women behave like this in marriages not men....

    in 90% of marriages you will find men doing more than their fair share and women free loading and behaving like children....

    certainly i can tolerate a certain amount of game playing and what basically amounts to manipulation to get what I want, but at the end of the day, sometimes I just want to fucking relax with my partner and not have to jump through 10 hoops like a performing seal....

  6. IF you have to 'date' your wife ...

    another way of looking at it is...

    imagine you have never met your wife.... and went on a blind date with her.... would you be jumping hoops and schmoosing like a player to get into her pants... have your sights set only on her... or would the waitresses seem more attractive, and you'd try to get her number as you feign a rain check to the restroom ... leaving the premises out of the fire exit.. before even ordering drinks.. and never look back and never think twice about ever wanting to see her again.... not even have the slightest pang of guilt about standing her up and leaving her high and dry….. and realize the only good thing about the date was that you got the waitresses phone number.

    i think many many guys stuck in dead end marriages feel like this about their wives, and that is the reason the marriages fail... because the women are just not that interesting.... mired with spite, insecurities, self pity, a boring mundane life, combined with no ambition or imagination beyond sheer consumerism and materialism (and endless chatting with mindless facebook friends half of whom they've never even met.) not to mention many of them over eat and don’t take care of themselves because they are ‘too busy with the kids’ that loosely translates as “too lazy to be bothered.”

    the only way a 30-40 something mother can make up for this is in the bedroom…

    As James Gandofini said in Killing Them Softly…. “roll the condom on with your mouth and stop behaving like your asshole is a national treasure.”

    - A few threesomes with your boring mommie friends might go a long way as well.

    Women don’t want to invest… they play a game to maximize their return and minimize their investment… and hide their laziness and lack of imagination behind a BS wall of “I don’t feel like it.”

    They say that chimps don’t talk because they think humans would put them to work if they started speaking…. Married women (especially with kids) don’t fuck because their husbands will be whores out of them if they do.
    Problem is at 40+ a man needs an experienced whore in the bedroom, (by that I mean a woman that is open to sex, gives great head, and is prepared to go the extra mile.... without too much fuss and BS....) not some teeny virgin that needs flowers, $300 meals and $500 of lingerie just to lighten up and give him a peck on the cheek.... and then still changes her mind because she doesn't "feel" like it.

  7. I'll take a woman out and buy her nice things, if she makes me "feel" like it.

    Not because I need to do that to get sex out of her....

    There is a huge difference and married women that sit back and expect their men to run about like romantic chimps just so they can get laid and have a better sex life are immature and irresponsible....

    If you want to be a single mother in the dating pool, go do it with someone else... If you want to invest in the marriage and treat me right... then probably I will "feel" like treating you right....

    It's a two way situation.... men should demand that upfront.....

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