Most American men should not get married.
It’s just not in their best interest. Most men who blindly enter into marriage are blinded by hormones, fear, and insecurity, with the light of reason a dim and distant flicker. The threat of divorce and lost of custody through hypergamous divorce, the prospect of being locked into a sexless marriage with an increasingly bitter and unpleasant old woman where the sweet release of death is your only hope, or any whacky combination of sitcom plots disguised as life events can make a husband's life a living hell. Despite the “married men live longer” meme, the facts on the ground are pretty apparent in a Red Pill sort of way: in our society marriage is not often in the best interests of the male in question.
Unfortunately, barring a Manosphere-sponsored Fully Informed Fiancee Act, most men are going to imagine that their special union is specialer than all of those nasty divorces he’s seen. She’s different, he thinks. She really loves me. She’d never leave me. She'd never betray me. She'd never double her wedding-day weight.
And we all know how that tends to work.
Most divorced men are divorced because they made poor decisions in the Wife Selection department, and did not do proper vetting. Most divorced men mistook True Love for a male mating strategy and ended up grabbing their ankles for a financial pegging of Olympian proportions.
And all divorced men . . . got married.
If you don’t want to be divorced, the only way to ensure that is to not get married.
The next best way is to find a truly worthwhile, worthy woman to share your life with, vett the hell out of her, and become as certain as you can that she is, indeed, who she says she is. If you can find this rare and uncommon creature, and you can find common ground and mutual assurance about your long-term goals and short-term issues, and you're feeling lucky, then you might want to consider marriage.
And even then there are no guarantees. Life is about risk. And intelligent risk-taking is manly.
Still, there is a sizable minority of men out there who just prefer to be married – I’m one of them. While I'm sure I'd do just fine living the life of a gentleman bachelor ("Gentleman of Leisure" is one of the three Dream Jobs I haven't managed yet . . . out of 6. I ain't complainin'.) but the plain fact of the matter is that I prefer a house with a balance of masculine and feminine energies for the raising of kids, and marriage is the most expedient route to that, if you do it right. Wanting to be married doesn’t make me a glutton for punishment . . . but that’s because I wasn’t an idiot about it. Most dudes just are.
When it comes to proper Wife Selection, the first big issue is, of course, pre-screening. That is, establishing your criteria for what you want in your wife. For this I suggest compiling a list.
Hell, just buy a notebook. You're going to need it.
Think of this as your "wife hunting manual", because it is going to serve as the command-and-control system, the scientific journal, the wish list and the notes section of your journey. And at the very begining, you need to establish your List.
The List encompasses four sections: Must-Haves, Nice-to-Haves, Bonus Points and Dealbreakers. And while your Must-Haves and Nice-to-Haves are going to be much different from every other dude's, there are some issues in the Dealbreaker category that most of us are going to agree are common things to avoid in a woman.
And at the very top of the list of dealbreakers should be Batshit Crazy. It's one of the basic things you need to think about before you even consider cohabitation, let alone buying a ring. Hell, if you smell it early enough, it's usually advisable to avoid Batshit Crazy altogether. Like cocaine, it has a tendancy to be expensive, dramatic, and lead to long-term damage.
So with every potential Mrs. Right you meet, within the first moments of making the realization that yeah, you could tap that for the rest of your life, you need to ask yourself this very, very important question:
Is She Batshit Crazy?
This sounds like a no-brainer, but clearly someone isn’t getting the memo. According to some official-sounding agencies, almost 25% of women in the United States suffer from some form of mental illness, from the charmingly quaint to the homicidally severe. Depression, eating disorders, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, and the ever-treacherous Borderline Personality Disorder (h/t Black Knight at Return of Kings) you name it, women seem to have (or at least are diagnosed with) more mental illnesses than men.
The problem is that typical young female behavior in this day and age can often disguise symptoms as cultural phenomenon. Is your girlfriend struggling with a personality issue? Or is she just a bitch? Perhaps both?
Even considering marriage to a woman without a complete understanding of her mental health history, including any traumas and medications, is just stupid. That's a fundamental element of basic Wife Selection. So ask yourself the following follow-up questions, and record the answers:
Has she . . .
Ever been treated by a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist?
Ever had a regular course of mental therapy?
Taken the Briggs-Meyers test? If so, what was her rating?
Taken an IQ test? (Stupidity isn't crazy, but it might as well be.)
Ever been prescribed medication for a mental health issue?
Ever been prescribed medication for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder? (PMS isn't crazy . . . wait . . .)
Ever been treated for PTSD?
Ever been raped, sexually assaulted, or suffered childhood abuse?
Ever witnessed a horrifically tragic event, such as a shooting or bombing?
Had a history of stalking, drugs, or alcohol abuse?
I'm sure you can add your own, but that should get you started. And don’t stop with just her personal history, either: is her mom (your potential mother-in-law) Batshit Crazy? Her aunts? Grandmother? Often a malady is hereditary, or only exposed slowly over time, or triggered by an event or experience. Don't shy away from asking these questions because "they are too personal" - you are considering tying your fate and fortunes to this woman. If she's gonna have your babies someday, this is some shit you need to know.
And if she's highly reluctant to discuss the issue . . . well, that's pretty telling.
So, do you automatically discard a girl just because she’s mentally ill?
Consider that until recently homosexuality was considered a mental illness – whatever your moral stand on homosexuality, it’s not a mental illness. Psychiatry is an evolving science, and this year's-neurosis may be next years winning attitude. Focus more on her actions and her behavior than her diagnosis, but a diagnosis might be an excellent place to start.
Then consider your own mental health. While men are arguably slightly saner, statistically speaking, there are still plenty of us who should only be eating with plastic spoons. And some of us . . .
Everyone has issues, and I'm not saying that you have to find someone with a completely clean mental bill-of-health . . . because (let's face it) if they were that sane, why the hell would they be dating you? The goal here is to balance your own pack of crazy with that of your wife. If you had to rate your own neurosis on a 1-10 scale, then an excellent rule of thumb is that your potential wife's score should be within easy striking distance (no more than a point) from yours. Ideally, just below (it's always nice to be the saner person of the couple), but if it's more than a point -- two, max, if she's hot and one of her neurosis is nymphomania -- then it's time to proceed with caution.
Note I said "proceed with caution", not "run screaming from the room".
A lot of your decision should depend on just what kind of crazy, too. If it is going to conflict strongly with your own, then that's an issue. If it's something genetic, then that's a consideration if you want kids. If it's just quirky and quaint, then you can -- probably -- live with it.
But if you do hit more than two or three red flags in your initial investigations the it is quite likely that Mrs. Maybe is a no-go, and you should, indeed, back away slowly. I'm sure she's a very nice girl, but if you do not establish and maintain your own high standards on something as objective as this, then you've already lost. Wife Selection means wife selection . . . and that means passing up those who are for whatever reason unacceptable to your criteria.
The fact is that many mental illnesses can be effectively treated medically these days. But if yourpotential woman has issues complying with her medication schedule, that's a red flag. If she misses time from work because "I just wasn't feeling good", then that's a red flag. If she displays manic or outrageously flaky behavior, then that's a red flag. Too many red flags . . . and then there's a flag on the play.
When you do decide that the woman you're vetting didn't make the cut, be very careful how you end things. That's the sort of break-up that can actually trigger some extreme behavior in a mentally unstable person, and the next thing you know you come home from work to find your house broken into, your shirts shredded, and a good healthy dump in the middle of your dining room table. It's been known to happen.
But don't let that stop you. Messy break-ups are bad . . . they're even worse when there's a marriage involved. Aborting a relationship in which too rich a vein of Batshit Crazy is apparent isn't a sign of you being a dickhead who can't commit, no matter what she says.
It's a sign that you are taking your matrimonial duties and your commitment seriously.
It's a sign that you are taking your matrimonial duties and your commitment seriously.
Good luck . . . and stay tuned for more on this important subject!
I certainly agree with the premise of this post, but I have to take issue with the statement: "Most divorced men are divorced because they made poor decisions in the Wife Selection department, and did not do proper vetting." I'm convinced this isn't the case. Sure, some of the time crazy is the root cause of divorce, but the more I look back on my own marriage and the little experience I've seen and read about with others, it seems like a more common issue is "falling out of love"... the ILYBINILWY. They become roomates, besties, but the passion slowly dissolves away, inversely proportional to the weight gain, until someone (usually the wife) decides they have had enough and gets back in shape. Then the dominoes start to fall, and chances are if she's getting IOI's or whatnot, she'll either have an EA, a PA or go all "Eat, Pray, Love" on the guy. Does that make her crazy? Not really, just the need for attraction to and from a man that trips her trigger. That's why I think MMSL and some of your advice goes so far in bringing back the passion on a gray marriage existence.ReplyDelete
Though really, we're both hypothesizing here unless you actually have some data you're not sharing. I'd be curious as to what studies have been on divorcing couples' real reasons for breaking up. It's good to vett he wife, but if she passes, there's still the profound need for a Red Pill marriage to ensure survival.
Oh, no doubt. The "not Batshit Crazy" box should just be one of the very first ones checked. There are plenty of others, any one of which could be a dealbreaker. You don't have to be BC to divorce, but far too many men have tied the knot without learning of their wife's mental health history . . . and only then discovered her schizophrenic uncle and her button hoarding obsession.Delete
I do think it's a matter of lacking proper vetting. Most men don't do any vetting at all, and figure that the issues they see will just somehow get better over time. But if we teach the new generation to have high standards and tell them what to look for to avoid the mistakes of our generation, we might actually accomplish something.
True. Though my wife's mother was institutionalized for a short time in my wife's youth, she herself seems fine and had no signs of BSC. Just luck though as looking into these types of things weren't even on my radar as a dating man, and your point is well taken sir.Delete
>I do think it's a matter of lacking proper vetting.Delete
Have I mentioned here before that marriage (like lesser relationships on that track) is not just a contract between a man on one side and a woman on the other, but also a contract between a man AND a woman on one side, and a community on the other?
No amount of wife-vetting is going to address, let alone solve, the problem of communities consistently violating their contracts and manipulating the vetted wife into siding with them against the husband.
Modern western marriage is now functionally a contract between a man on one side and a wife AND a community on the other.
Don't take it personally, Ian, but I would LOVE to see you try to vet our way out of that.
You'd be the first androsphere figure I know of to not blatantly and deliberately ignore this gaping hole in their model.
People change every day. You are not that same person you were yesterday. Why would your wife be any different? To bet on people not to change is profoudly foolish.Delete
Vetting is futile because:
A) You can't read minds. She may just be acting. Most women are experts.
B) Society actively tempts women to divorce and cash in else be miserable.
The only winning move is not to play.
Sure, people change . . . within their basic parameters. The key is to discover what those parameters are and what her capacities are early, and make an informed decision.Delete
A) Vetting isn't futile, it's essential. And you don't have to read minds. You just have to be observant, educated, informed, and intelligent enough to be able to understand what her actions say. She might be acting, but when she's put into a situation where she has to react and you can judge that reaction, you have created data to be judged and evaluated.
And B) Not all women are subject to such temptations. A great deal of what proper vetting is about, as we shall see in this series, is determining what her core values are. Her values will at least give you a guide by which you can make an informed decision, but if you have little idea of what they are, you're being guided by her sales pitch. If you find a woman whose panties don't get damp at the sight of cash (they do exist, I married one - former affluent girl disgusted with the excesses of material consumption. And there are always the Amish). Sure, they're uncommon, but that's the fucking point. If they grew on every tree and bush, you wouldn't need to do all of this shit.
Not playing isn't winning, it's not playing. You cannot, by definition, win if you don't play. You can rationalize the idea that you got a consolation prize, maybe, but if you're a marrying-kind of dude, then "not playing" isn't winning.
If you're not a marrying kind of dude and you don't have a strong desire to reproduce, then I encourage you to get a vasectomy, learn Game, and hump, pump and dump your way through the ever-renewing sea of femininity on this globe with my blessing.
But don't fool yourself into thinking you've won, unless you measure such things by the lives of saints, hermits, and monks.
No such thing as parameters of change. Where is it written people have to stay within parameters?Delete
Women have been fooling men for millennia. The fact that men believe they can vet is precicely the reason men get fooled.
Do you think women who pretend not to be tempted may just be doing it because of reasons other than morality?
Not playing a rigged game is winning. All games in a Casino have negative return on investment. Thus you can't win. "If you don't play you can't win" is what the Casino would say.
If you want kids or relationship there are ways of doing it without involving government. Getting married is a bad idea period.
Mostly true but BS also,,,my second ex was the total opposite of the first,, Young,,sex crazy,,didn't want kids ,,we became swingers ,,she liked the same girls I did and we stayed together until she wanted to "mature" etc,,and I lost interest in the sex part as she went that way,,I still enjoyed her more then the present and much more then the first,,,My remedy these days is an hour with a great young hooker,,,Delete
I read just recently, on a different blog in the manosphere, about how marriage has changed from being the socially and morally acceptable forum for love and sex, into now love being the acceptable forum for marriage and sex. Love being something that women and our highly female dominated communities hold sacred, over the contract of marriage.Whereas men tend to view contracts well... contractually. Perhaps this is why men tend to be on an opposite side from the tag team of woman + community. To avoid that problem, you could talk to a woman about her view of love. If she believes it's a mystical magical thing that just accidentally happens for no reason, but it's a valid reason to do anything and everything- she might not be for you. But if she believes that love is a choice and requires active intentional cultivation by both parties, and believes that marriages is fortified by this intentional love- you'll probably be better off.ReplyDelete
Don't expect candor when it comes to what a woman says about love. 90% of the time she doesn't know herself. Anything that comes out of her mouth on the subject is suspect and .Delete
Instead observe, vett, and record. Then consider. We'll cover this in more detail in a future post, but asking a woman what she thinks about love is like asking a man what he thinks about sex. No matter what they say, you know they're in favor of it, they want it, and it's very important to them. After that, everything else is subject to fluctuation. Deeds speak louder than words, that's my point.
I like the general idea of this series of articles, but this first installment is rather obvious...ReplyDelete
You would think. But alas, no. I've known no less than six men in my immediate circle who, for one reason or another, ended up with a woman with moderate-to-severe mental health issues that directly contributed to the break-up of their marriage. Say a 7 to 9 on the Batshit Crazyometer. All six could have dodged that bullet if they had given the least consideration to the matter and allowed their objective perspective to override what their dicks were saying.Delete
Batshit Crazy can be pretty. It can be hot. It can be AMAZING in the sack. But you can't cure it. You can treat it, but it usually doesn't just go away. Too many men are willing to think it will, and pay dearly for the mistake. Hence the remedial advice.
I often think that the feminist objection to objectification is an ideological response to men thinking and behaving critically in matters of the heart. If you are not able to "objectify" a woman, sexually or otherwise, then you are forced to allow yourself to be guided solely on your subjective feelings . . . which are easy to manipulate with Nature's convenient built-in joystick.
I myself have never married, but my younger brother did. And to his high-school sweetheart at a young age of about 23 or so. Twenty years later he was divorced with no assets to show for it and found himself in the position of having to pay back her debt. One of the many things she did to garner attention was to (I kid you not) inject herself with her own urine to fake various medical ailments. This of course also ran up considerable doctor bills. Learning from the mistakes of others is one of the wisest thing you can do to avoid the same kind of fate.ReplyDelete
BTW, it's vet not vett.ReplyDelete
Who gets vetted more thoroughly than Supreme Court justice nominees, where you have decades of information to work with? And yet how often do they turn around and surprise the people who nominated them?ReplyDelete
When I married my wife 13 years ago she was the daughter of the Republican precinct captain. She honestly couldn't understand why any working person would ever vote Democrat. She was also a 110 lb, size 2, hottie, who I couldn't get enough of.
Today she can't understand why anyone would vote for the heartless Republicans. She weighs 150 lbs and I could less if she went for a walk and never came back.
I only stay with her for the kids, but if I won the lottery the first thing I'd buy is a divorce. I have 2 boys that will be taught the dangers of marriage, and what a risk it is for them.
Ian, I think you're great, and I'm a big fan, but I think you're over-invested in this idea. People can change, and sometimes change radically in how they act and how they perceive the world.
They biggest risk most men can take today is to get married. If I could do it over again, I'd join the service instead (Semper Fi, Marines). It's a much safer bet.
I think the whole point of vetting is to put the odds in your favor. If you don't vet you'll ignore batshit crazy and other issues. There's no GUARANTEE you'll uncover all problamatic issues but at least you'll have likely reduced them to a more manageable number.ReplyDelete
Good Post....Please do one on how to vett Men.ReplyDelete
This is hilarious. You think people only change according to some sort of definable parameter? Haha, wow. Wow. You don't know shit about humans. That's life, buddy. Age and experience change people. Sometimes people change a lot, and in ways even THEY didn't see coming. But sure, just keep vetting your little heart out. I'm sure you can vet your way to happiness. Lololol.ReplyDelete
Over 20 years with the same woman, still happy, nary a word of divorce . . . I stand by my results.Delete
We derive our curse words from sounds of danger. Fuck. Shit. Ass. Fuck is germanic and the ck in it is formed deep in the throat. It makes a growling sound. Ass is a hissing sound, a universal sign of danger, often found in snakes but also in other animals as a warning. In writing, men will prefer the germanic words. Women will prefer the softer latin based words and typically write longer sentences. Boy/girl names also follow this dichotomy. Compare the phonetics of Jennifer and Derek, Lisa and Matt, Mark and Sherry. The softer sounds are made in the mouth. The harsher sounds are made in the throat.ReplyDelete
You guy are more than bat shit crazy. You all sound jaded and I grieve for thee.ReplyDelete
Lighten up, Cupcake. It's the internet.Delete
My husband is there for me in other ways. We care for each other in ways that my best friend and I never can. We share goals and dreams and parenting and money and prayer and faith and, yes, sex! Now, if your husband is your best friend, GO MAKE SOME NEW FRIENDS!! Because clearly, your current ones are not living up to proper best friend standards and you’re left forcing your husband to fill that void against his will. Stop it! In another brief moment of clarity- if you have a husband that is a willing participant to being your best friend, then he needs new friends too or a hobby or more yard work because clearly he has too much time on his hands.ReplyDelete
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