Monday, December 17, 2012

Girl Game: Why It's Not Hopeless


I have a friend, a lady friend, who just turned 40.  Ish.



 She’s single, a single working mom with a grown son, and she is drop-dead gorgeous.  She is about as far from the Wall as a woman can get at her age – from two feet away she can pass for 20.  Italian features, beautiful fair skin, long curly hair with a distinguished touch of gray.  She knows how to dress, how to present herself, and she wears her femininity unashamedly on her sleeve.

She really, really wants to meet a dude – the right dude – and get married.  But a few weeks ago, at a mutual friend’s birthday party, we got to talking and I leveled with her about her chances – and any 40 year old woman’s chances of finding a permanent, decent dude at this stage of life – and from what I understand she’s been hopelessly depressed since then.

Here’s the deal: the numbers are the numbers, and the numbers don’t lie.  That doesn’t mean you are a number, however.  In fact, just by reading this you’ve improved your chances of finding the rare and elusive Marriage-Minded-Bachelor.  Allow me to explain.

Consider the Sexual Market Place in all of its brutal glory.  Consider the cold, hard numbers about sexual attraction, and how a woman gets hers all at once and declines over time, and a man gets his gradually and in increasing amounts over time.  

Consider the number of women in the SMP who are open to the idea of a long term relationship with a man.  You’re in that pool, and it’s huge.  You may not want to think of yourself "in competition" with other women over a mere man, but that's the Red Pill reality of the situation.  You can either continue to fool yourself by pretending that you aren't really competing, you're just "waiting for the right one" as you get shut out of one promising date after another by other women - your competitors - or you can bite the bullet, be willing to be realistic, and step up your Girl Game to the point where you're a contender.

Now consider the subset of the pool of women who want to find a husband – and are willing to make that a life priority.  If you fall within that category, you’re already in a better position than the women who aren’t actually consciously pursuing a long-term relationship, but are depending on the fickle finger of Fate or Jesus to bring them a man.  Congrats!  They're idiots, you've made a decisive move.

Further, if you are one of those women who has decided that finding the right husband is a worthy and noble goal, and are willing to put forth the effort to pursue that goal, then you have further self-selected into a higher probability pool.  Once you have established a realistic goal and have committed to it, you automatically improve your chances over your lackluster competitors who are waiting for "chemistry" or "electricity" -- in other words, they're letting their pussies decide the issue.

Now, you know you want a husband, and you know that you’ve got to devote some time and energy to finding him.  “True Love” says to wait for Fate or Kismet . . . but the vulture said “Fuck this waiting around shit!  I’m going to go kill something!”  That is, sometimes you have to take proactive action even if it's outside of your comfort zone.  The next step is figuring out just what kind of husband you want.  That’s very important . . . but you have to be Red Pill realistic about it.  

First of all, discard all fantasies of the Christian Grey billionaire kinkazoid.  Sure, he’s out there, but dudes like that are what we call “Bull Alphas”, that is, he’s going to get into your panties and hit the road, or keep you spinning on the side until you realize that no, he isn’t ever going to commit.  That whole falling-in-love-with-the-innocent-grad-student-and-living-happily-ever-after bullshit is just this side of criminal negligence -- kind of like telling a retarded kid that he has a realistic shot at the Presidency without having oil wealth and nepotism behind you.  Set your sights realistically, on a real dude.  Just by opening yourself up to the possibilities, you improve your chances.

So let's take a look at you.  This is going to sound an awful lot like “lowering your standards”, but the cold hard reality is that if you’re over 30, your Objective Sex Rank is inevitably in decline.  No matter how adept you are at keeping it at bay, even though you’re a hot 40 year old, the “high ranking” guys who are really looking to settle down are looking in the 25-30 range, prime baby-making years.  If you are desperate to get pregnant and have kids with your future husband, prepare yourself: your chances just went down again.  But put a pin in that thought, because we’ll come back to it.


But consider this, as you “lower your standards” and decide that maybe just a bachelors degree will do, when you were really hoping for a doctorate: when you are considering a man on a date, and he can just about hear you “lowering your standards” to condescend to date him and consider him for mating.  When a woman’s eyes play over you and you can see them wince as she thinks “y’know, if I don’t think about it too much, he’s not bad”.  One whiff of that, and you’ve likely already blown it.  No one wants to feel like they’re someone else’s consolation prize.

Part of the problem is that you are thinking of it as “lowering your standards”, when in fact what you are doing is “adjusting to the reality of the situation”.  Because more than likely your original “standards” for what Prince Charming needs were formed in your starry-eyed 20s, when you really thought you’d be famous or rich or happily married to Mr. Perfect by now.  While your girlish idealism may feed into your key romantic fantasies, the plain fact is that the dude you saw yourself with when you were 25 isn’t on the menu anymore.  

But that doesn’t mean that what is on the menu isn’t just as good . . . maybe better.  

Love happens in the strangest of places, to the most diverse people, and while more often than not that infatuation that drives love dies a natural death pretty early on, it’s also quite true that there are times when love between unlikely pairs blossoms into something incredible and wondrous.  When you have closed your heart to all but a narrow range of possibilities, you have artificially reduced your chances of finding a good mate because of your own inability to envision success.  

One friend of mine left a promising relationship when she was 31 because of her boyfriend’s apparent lack of ambition.  By the time she was 34, it was clear that a secure, decent paying gig is actually a pretty good thing, even if it means she wouldn't get the McMansion of her dreams . . . but by that time he’d gotten snatched up by a girl with more sense.  Then his boss died unexpectedly and left him the business.  Leave your preconceived notions at home when you go on a date, and your chances of finding a man improve dramatically.

After you have ditched your preconceived ideas about who your Mr. Right is, and you have opened yourself to the possibility of a relationship, then your chances of finding a dude go back up.  Remember, the more effective mating strategy is not to find the most handsome, richest guy you can, despite the allure.  Indeed, a man’s Sex Rank comes far less from his looks than his context, and it’s more likely to go up over time than down.  If you are a solid 7, who can whip it up to an 8 or an 8.5 in a pinch, then finding a dude who is a 9 isn’t your best bet at all.  That’s the dude who is going to dump you for a younger model three years after you get married – if he ever commits.


If you’re a solid 7, then finding another 7 or even a 6 is a better bet.  Because in ten years, you’re going to drop a full point and he’s going to rise a full point, and ideally you want your SR to be slightly lower than your future husband’s.  Ditching preconceived ideas about who Mr. Right is and considering men you ordinarily wouldn’t give a second look at increases your chances dramatically.  

That being said, you still have to find the right dude.

I’ve helped a lot of women look for love with varying degrees of success, but one of the key things I do is have her envision her Mr. Right, down to the last detail – because sometimes those details can be key.  

One lady in Manhattan decided to get serious about her reproductive strategy and asked my advice.  After going over her list of must-haves and would-be-nices, I pointed out that the kind of man she wanted (a 30-something engineer who wants kids and has a secure job) is going to be attracted to certain kind of activities, and by placing herself in the right place, she might just hit the right time for Mr. Right to come out of the bushes once she went where the fish were.  In this case, a high-end auto show.  

We mapped out the six bars closest to the convention center the attendees would most likely be drinking in, she boned up on her automotive knowledge (come to find out, her dad and a brother were engineers . . . coincidence?) and she prepared herself for an adventure by cranking up her Sex Rank a point before she went.  The goal was to meet dudes.  

A lot of women forget that.  They want a husband, and a father for their children, but they have been so focused on the intricacies of being a modern woman that they often know fuck-all about dudes.  I regularly counsel men who are in the early stages of a relationship to be careful not to ally themselves with women who are overly feminine, since I’ve witnessed several instances where these unions de-evolved into high-maintenance Beta slavery the moment the honeymoon lingerie was dry.  

A woman who has no real interest in a man’s world is unlikely to make a good wife . . . so developing some dude-related interests, or at least studying men and their ways, gives you a huge advantage over the women who simply get their hair done, shave their legs all the way up, push the girls into something tight and sexy, and hope that their sex appeal will be enough to attract a decent man.  

That can work . . . but knowing a little something about what guys like and how they think actually gets you a better chance at a mate, long-term, than going up a cup size.  No, really.  And that brings us to your biggest advantage.  One of my favorite quotes is “To know thyself is the ultimate form of aggression”.  Knowing your strengths and weaknesses, your desires and your goals, puts you far more in control of your reproductive destiny than the vapid blonde at the end of the bar in the shiny dress.  

Thing is, there are a LOT of pretty girls out there, and you have to be honest: they are your competition.  You are both going after the same guys, even if your motives and ultimate goals differ.  Knowing what you want gives you a big edge.  Knowing what dudes want gives you an even bigger edge.  Having realistic expectations about the way this story ends buffs that edge even more.  

I’d like to be able to tell you, in three or four paragraphs, exactly what every dude in the world wants in a woman, but that would be incorrect.  Men have their own agendas, goals, and preferences, and they vary as widely as women’s.  But there are a few broad generalizations that can be made, and while they seem a little on the remedial side, there are plenty of women out there who fuck up every date they’re on because they ignore some of these basics.

First – and foremost – a man is considering you as a sexual partner.  In your quest for romance and true love, you might conveniently forget that – but none of us did for a fucking moment.  Sex is important for men, perhaps the most important element of the relationship from our perspective.  

For women, sex is the affirmation of infatuation, the natural progression of physical intimacy after emotional and mental intimacy has been established – else, it’s strongly responsive in the heat of the moment.  Most dudes are hoping they can get you in the latter mood by exciting and stimulating you.  Either way, the man you are speaking to is thinking about his chances of fucking you, no matter what he says about your charm, wit, and taste in art.  He might consider you a pump-and-dump opportunity, or he might consider you a long-term humpy partner, but he’s definitely not thinking about whether or not you share a deep emotional connection or how you really feel about the fashion industry.

He wants to fuck you.  Use that.

Not to be mean , but remember that your sexuality is the best “bait” (and I have a few feminist readers who object to that term, but I’ll remind them that for the last 100,000 years, minus the most recent part, men used hunting as the metaphor for most of their activities – and finding quality pussy certainly qualifies) you have.  Not just your appearance, but your openness, your willingness to experiment, and your general attitude toward sex are all going to be factors in how strongly he will be attracted to you.  Showing some cleavage is nice – but it you don’t plan on putting out until you’re engaged, you’ve put yourself into the ‘longshot’ category.  

Unfair?  You betcha.  After all, shouldn't you get to know a guy before you sleep with him?

Of course.  Mostly.  But from his perspective, every moment he spends with you is going to revolve around that question, and if you give him the idea that the only way to get your legs open is with a life-long commitment or too many other hoops, then he’s going to bail on you.  Because there are a lot of pretty girls in the world, and for every one chick who wants to slow down and take her time and evaluate the relationship for a while, there are two chicks that will blow him in the parking lot or head back to his place to rock his world.  They might not even want him permanently, but they have what he wants, and if he has a choice between older pussy he has to work hard for and younger pussy that falls into his bed, he’s much more likely to chase after the latter.

You see, your sexuality is your best attractant, but thanks to feminism, someone dumped their bait in the water, and now sex is EVERYWHERE for a dude.  Sex without commitment, relationships or even last names.  If you have money, you can have sex.  If you have a modicum of Game, you can have sex.  In fact, the only thing stopping most dudes from having a lot more sex is their own willingness to Scalzi-out and pedestalize women to the extent that they become hopeless Beta (Delta) Orbiters.  That is, those dudes who just respect you too much to try anything . . . even if you really want them to.

But for the rest of the guys out there, pussy is still our primary source of inspiration and motivation.  If we think it’s immanent, we’re willing to put up with just about anything.  If we think it’s hopeless, then we find some way to move on to someone with whom it isn’t hopeless.  So the key is to keep him interested in you sexually until you have established whether or not he’s got a couple of hidden dealbreakers in his pocket.

After your sexuality, your personality is going to be your next biggest asset.  That is, a warm and giving personality is going to be more alluring to Mr. Right than a cold and distant bitch who looks like a million bucks.  Remember, the man you are looking for is also interested in a commitment – and as shallow as we dudes are, any man worth marrying is going to want to take a good hard look at your personality.  

What does that mean?  Laughing at his jokes and smiling and making eye contact are all good Girl Game, of course, but after that, what do you do to convince him that you’re good “wife material”?

Well, you might want to start thinking of yourself as such.

It’s amazing how many women think “strong and independent” is what men are looking for.  In point of fact, we only say that because that’s what we think you want to hear, but when we’re alone “strong and independent” usually translates to “ballbuster future ex-wife”, not “future mother of my children/romantic companion unto the end of my days”.  It’s not that we want you to be weak . . . we just want to see some vulnerability, some need for us in your life.  No man wants to be a woman’s unnecessary accessory, and unless he feels like you need him, he’s not going to be interested in more than your vagina.  

(Mrs. Ironwood did this, I realize in retrospect, by cooking for me on our 3rd date.  She already knew I loved to cook and was good at it, so she thought she’d honor me with a meal she cooked.  She made a valiant effort, but by dessert I knew with certainty that any future relationship with her would mean I would be cooking all of our meals – which was perfect.  I’d rather share my toothbrush than my kitchen.)


Apropos to that, don’t discuss your job more than you absolutely have to.  Women who are more engaged in their workplace social life than they are the rest of their lives rarely make ideal wives.  We know you have a job – in fact, it’s a red flag if you don’t.  But we don’t care how much money you make, what your title is, or what Rhonda and Carol said just last week when you complained there weren’t any decent men around.  Unless you both work in the same field, hearing you talk about work when you should be talking about us is another red flag.

Thanks to forty years of feminism, women have been conditioned to believe that men really do want “strong and independent” women, women who put success ahead of other considerations in their life.  They have spent their lives thinking of themselves as a profession or vocation, perhaps as a girlfriend, but hardly as a wife.

So ask yourself, ladies: just what do you have to offer a man as his wife?


That goes beyond your vagina and your high threadcount linens.  Think about what it means to be a wife.  Think about it good and hard.  Imagine what it meant to your grandmother, your mother, and you, and how that changed – and how it didn’t.  Remember that what you are getting is a husband, and that’s a different animal than a live-in boyfriend.  So what can you tell a man that will suggest that you would make a good wife?

Some hints: don’t mention how much you like to cook unless you’re willing to do all the cooking (remember, someone has to).  Don’t mention how much you like to shop unless you do it professionally. (It’s not that we’re anti-shopping, but I think we can all admit that the women who consider shopping a competitive sport have been the ruin of more than one man).    Don’t appear obsessed by celebrities, fashion, or reality television – we can appreciate your interest in them, but unless we’re deep in the closet we really could care less.  

Don’t mention your crazy ex(es).  No one wants to pick up a jealous stalker.  In fact, don’t mention any exes, especially if you’re still good friends with them.  We know you’ve probably had sex, and we’re wary of your “number”, but those kind of details can kill your chances with a guy if you’re too free with them.  If you spent a year just slutting out, you might not want to mention that up front, either.  Sure, he will want to know that, but that’s the sort of thing you discuss with your dude after he’s addicted to the way you give head.

The caveat to that is if you are asked about your “number”, then tell him.  We know you’re lying about it, we just want to hear you say it.  And if you don’t know it off the top of your head . . . red flag.  Nor is a high number death to all hopes of a relationship.  Some dudes mind a lot more than others, and some don’t mind at all.

Don’t talk about your pets.  Even if he asks, that isn’t a sign he’s into dressing up kitty cats like Star Trek characters, too – it’s a test.  If you show more interest in your pets than you do him, that’s a red flag.

DO talk about whether you want kids.  This is the biggest single dealbreaker on either side, and if you want a baby and he doesn't, then it's not going to work out.  Cut your losses and move on, no matter how hot he is. But the conventional wisdom that says "don't discuss children" on a date doesn't really apply at this age.  When you're a 20 year old guy, just about the last thing you want to hear on a date is "I want kids within the next six months!", which is just under "Y'know I'm a dude, right?" 

But a 40 year old man might also have a powerful biological itch to be scratched.  Believe it or not, your desire to have children may actually improve your subjective Sex Rank.  Or your decision not to have (any more) kids may be just what he's looking for.  This is one of the few points upon which you should be honest and upfront.  Fatherhood is a serious issue for guys, so don't play around with that.

Here's the thing: even if you don't want kids, a dude is still going to imagine what kind of mother you'd make, and that's going to profoundly feed his attraction to you.  While few of us expect to be "mothered" on a daily basis by our wives, there are indeed times in every man's life when his success or failure depends on the matronly emotional support his wife can muster.  If your wife can't comfort you and make you feel better when you don't feel well, it's not ideal.

It comes down to this: when a man is evaluating a woman for a relationship, he’s either looking for a) the mother of his children or b) the sex kitten of his dreams or c) All Of The Above.  They aren’t looking for an ambitious climber with a fat 401k, a leased luxury car and her own home.  

Think of them as the traditional Manosphere “Alpha/Beta” mix: you want to demonstrate your “Beta” skills as potential wife and mother, while simultaneously hinting at your “Alpha” skills, that is, your sexuality and social adeptness.  And yes, a decent guy is going to want both, even if he doesn’t want kids.  If you aren’t willing to compromise on that . . . well, don’t expect him to put a ring on it.  Or even call you again.  “He’s just not that into you” is often code for “nice ass, but she was a bitch to the busboy” or “she was friendly enough, but she hasn't had sex in two years and I need someone hornier than that in my life.”

Yeah.  We're really like that.

Feminist propaganda to the contrary, men have all but given up lighthearted commitments anymore.  It's just too expensive.  That is, don’t expect to move in with a dude after six dates, the way you could back in the 1990s.  As men are starting to realize that they are gatekeepers of commitment, they’re also starting to realize that their commitment has value.  If you aren’t attractive, sexually available, and easy-to-get-along-with, then yeah, you’re going to have a hard time finding a husband.  And that’s before he’s had a chance to even look at your baggage.

Beyond that, do you have any notion what being a “wife” entails?  It’s not just what you’re called after the big party with the pretty dress.  Being a wife is a job description, and the best way to get the job is to make sure you have the credentials.  The whole “co-equal partnership” ideal is crap – husbands and wives who make their marriages work tend to be willing to compromise and watch each others’ backs, not jealously guard their individual prerogatives.  Being a wife is more than being an “official girlfriend”.  There are expectations and responsibilities tied up with being a wife.  If you aren’t willing to live up to those, then perhaps you should abandon your search.  

This is a true story: a man I know dumped an otherwise good prospect because she wasn’t willing to change her last name to his if they got married.  I knew both parties, and I knew that this was a Very Big Deal to the dude – he was an only child and the last of his line, and he felt that it was important for his wife and child to share his name.  He was trying to build a family, after all.

When the woman tearfully called me a few weeks later (she had apparently exhausted the patience of our other mutual friends) to complain, I gently pointed out that I’d known the man for a long time, and he’d always made that a dealbreaker.  She didn't think he was being serious . . . or that she could get him to change his mind.  She had established a career under her maiden name and didn’t wan the inconvenience of changing her name or even adding “Mrs.” to it – she thought it was a needless anachronistic atavism.  

He didn’t.  He thought it was a traditional sign of respect for his ancestors.  Family was important to him, whereas to her the wedding was the important part.  She didn’t want to be a “wife”, she wanted to be a “bride”.  She wanted the party and the attention and the feeling of success she’d get for finally landing a man . . . she didn’t really want the husband that comes with all of it.  In fact, when I asked her about her potential future with him, she didn’t have much to say after she told me everything she’d imagined about the exotic honeymoon.  She wanted to get married – she didn’t want to be married.

And when the dude and I talked about it, he pointed out that if she was unwilling to compromise on such a fundamental issue so important to him before the wedding, then she would be even less likely to compromise on issues important to them both after they were married.  He didn’t want a “strong and independent co-equal partner” he had to discuss and get approval for every move he makes, he wanted a wife.  While the latter can be a part of the former, those aren’t essential skills for a wife.

What?  You didn’t know being a wife involved a skillset?  Perhaps I’ll cover this in a future post.  

So if you’re in the neighborhood of 40 and you find yourself single, ladies, it’s not the end of the world.  It’s a challenge.  A big one.  Finding a decent man now is going to be hard, much harder than when you were younger, prettier, and skinnier, but most of your Girl Game relies on what’s going on in your head, not your bra.  If you can shake your own mind around a bit and get out of the self-made traps that sabotage your efforts, then you have a fighting chance to dramatically improve your odds of being Mrs. Charming some day.

It’s not a sure thing . . . but then again, what is?  The only way you can really lose is by giving up.  Hell, even romance novels know that much.


50 comments:

  1. On finding a wife -

    http://judgybitch.com/2012/12/13/breadwinner-plus-housewife-equals-unbeatable-team/

    http://judgybitch.com/2012/12/17/how-much-bread-can-a-bread-bowl-make-youd-be-surprised/

    Somewhere in those articles, or an earlier one, she pointed out how one of her early acts towards her husband was to go and do, and VERY nicely fold, all of his laundry.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The ideal wife:

    Proverbs 31:10-31
    10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
    11 Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
    12 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
    13 She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
    14 She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
    15 She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
    16 She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
    17 She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
    18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
    19 In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
    20 She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
    21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
    22 She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
    23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
    24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
    25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
    26 She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
    27 She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
    28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
    29 “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
    30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
    31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

    ReplyDelete
  3. PLEASE make a 'Skillset' post.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've given a lot of thought to 'girl game' over the years. As my own game as progressed, I have noticed more sharply how terrible most American women's game is. It's as if they are actively trying to repulse quality men.

    Just like for men, there is a formula that can be scientifically tested, which if followed will result in her getting commitment from a much higher calibre of man than she normally would.

    The problem is that in women's feminist brainwashed state of extreme arrogance and entitlement, they don't think they need to do anything but show up.

    They think they can be fat, slovenly, wearing flip-flops, toting a bastard child, and cursing like a sailor, and we should still be all over it.

    Though everything you wrote in this post is factually correct, the chances of a semi-attractive woman ever reading thoughtfully through to the end is near zero.

    Telling a woman she should follow advice on how to land a man is like telling Hewlett-Packard that you have some advice for them on how to corner the printer market.

    A woman won't take advice no matter how miserably apparent her own failure is. She has a blindspot preventing her from ever taking honest stock and admitting her flaws and failures, then asking earnestly for help. I've never in my life seen a woman do this.

    There is a massive market for male game, and zero market for female game. Why? Because men see that life is a continuous journey of self-improvement. Women believe that since they are born with the golden vagina, they merely need to exist and their high value is self apparent.

    So you words were largely wasted, unfortunately, just as any commercial effort at selling girl game will probably be a failure. Just look at the closest we've come: The Rules. A book on how to be a massive c*nt and behave in a very masculine way. They just don't get it.

    And, 40 year old single mothers are for omegas. It doesn't matter how "young they look for their age".

    Your friend is SOL.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know. I might be willing to consider an LTR with her. But I will never marry. Not while the law is the way it is.

      Delete
  5. Game for girls is stuff like Cosmo and Elle. Learning how to conceal and disguise their flaws more adeptly with makeup and clothing. Learning little sex secrets to get him off more quickly so you can trick him into commitment. Stuff like that. None of it delves into behavior or psychology.

    I think that women are firmly convinced that their worth is based solely on their looks, and that short of artificially boosting their looks, there isn't anything they can do to raise SMV.

    They are wrong! I know most quality men would far rather commit to a sweet, charming, feminine, nurturing, kind-hearted 7 than a cold, detached, manipulative, competitive 9.

    It's similar to the false belief 9 out of 10 betas have that getting an attractive woman is all about money or good looks.

    Where game can help those guys, being sweet can help girls. But I don't think they'll get it until they notice the unmistakable trend of men eschewing marriage with american women in massive numbers.

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  6. When you realize what girls secret expectations are, you realize that to them, any insistence that they face reality just sounds like telling them to settle.

    In her mind, no matter how fat, ugly, or boring she is, she deserves man who is the perfect collage of all the fantasies she's ever had as a child. He's gorgeous, but not vain. He's a genius, but humble. He's a millionaire, but has endless time for her. He's both a mysterious bad boy and a committed family man, and knows precisely when to take on each role.

    You see, a woman's life is based on an interior fantasy that will never match to drab reality. NONE of us will ever measure up to her fantasy, because as soon as someone does the fantasy shifts again.

    So, asking a woman to "settle" for reality: useless. She will only do that when forced by societal circumstances, which will be coming soon.

    Every female 6 believes she is an 8 who deserves a 9.5. That is the crux of the entire problem, gents.

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  7. In case any intelligent teenage girls with less-than-perfect faces are reading this, I'll suggest the following:

    * Stay a virgin and start searching for a husband as soon as you are legally old enough to marry. Introduce each suitor to male family members as soon as possible.

    * Skip college; it's mostly feminist indoctrination. Enter the marriage market debt-free and four years younger than the competition. Learn enough about medicine, law, finance, and science to carry a conversation, but realize that reading Wikipedia does not make you an expert.

    * Take up a difficult sport or hobby that demonstrates your genetic fitness without detracting from your femininity, e.g. piano, violin, gymnastics, figure skating.

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  8. 40 years old as 7hb?

    Get real, the 40hb old is 5hb at most (dressed nicely + superb make-up), most likely she's 4-5hb.
    With kids? That makes 3-4hb range at most. She should be satisfied with 40-50yrs old blue-colar worker.

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    1. Nope... I know a 42 year old woman who is easily an 8. She gets non-stop male attention despite lugging three kids around day in and day out. She's certainly an outlier, but she's not a 5 on her worst day - not by a long shot.

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    2. I think you're missing an important distinction. 42 year old women with kids can be 8's in terms of pure attraction. But they can easily drop to almost 0's when one ponders any kind of commitment. I know many women like this, and of course I pay them a good deal of attention. But it never entered my mind that they would even be allowed in my house, let alone sharing resources on any level.

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    3. I'm almost 50, and I've got to admit, the idea of taking on someone else's kids, even for a hot, well-propertied widow, is really off-putting. I didn't pay for college for my own genetic propagation units. I'm certainly not going to do it for someone else's.

      Delete
  9. Gentlemen, I objectify women for a living. I firmly stand by my assessment. If Mrs. I got hit by a bus, I'd be all over that.

    Some interesting comments. I still say there's hope -- if a woman is smart about it.

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  10. I wish I could show this to my unmarried older friends and sister, but I don't want to "hurt their feelings."

    My entire child/teen life I was a tomboy, so I'm VERY interested in the man's world. I understand some sports VERY well, I play video games with my boyfriend, and I've mastered the male sense of humor. However, building up my femininity was an issue until I was about 20, but I've got it covered now.

    Around the same age, I met my current boyfriend and I still had that "I need to be independent and strong!" mindset. Over time, I've come to embrace some vulnerability and honestly, whenever I have life problems, my boyfriend loves to be there to help out, especially if it's budgeting or investing money. Men love feeling like they are needed or that they add value to your life.

    There are so many other examples I could discuss, but really I just wanted to tell you that I think you hit the nail on the head. I see so many women making the mistakes you outlined, but I feel conflicted whether I should tell them, IF THEY'D EVEN LISTEN.

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    1. Suggest you do so, look for opportunities to say something, but start small and gently, test the waters. If they're receptive, then you're invited to set the hook as you see fit.

      RA

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    2. It's not any easier for us to tell the women in our lives. I know a few women who have made every single possible mistake. Of course they all chase me. and I gently redirect their advances. I genuinely wouldn't want to hurt them. And you're right, I don't think they'd get it anyway. So why ruin a decent friendship over it. But the delusion is amazing to witness. I think we can add abortion to our list of asinine things women think are perfectly acceptable. Ya, lets tell a man you know to be in the market for a wife and mother that you have a history of killing your own children. Delusional AND disgusting.

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    3. Sociologist,

      He's a LUCKY man for that!!! YOur a breath of fresh air

      Delete
  11. Please make a Wife Skillset post. It would be great.

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    1. I won't steal Ian's thunder about wifely skillset, but I can say a thing or two about wife mindset. Four things are vitally important, IMO.

      1. Respect your husband and show him that respect.

      2. Know when to leave your husband alone.

      3. Never nag or criticize your husband. Figure out how to let him know how you feel without being a nag.

      4. Always be physical with your love and affection.

      This is mindset, the rest is details that Ian will go into.

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    2. I'm working on it . . . and getting some great suggestions! Keep 'em coming. I hate doing all the hard work on my own.

      Delete
  12. For all of Bogart's cynicism, Ian's advice rivals anything on HUS. If the older gals won't take it, so be it. And as an old guy I have seen plenty of 40is and 50is 8's and 9's. No 10's though. Good job trying to help the desperate.

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  13. WELL DONE!!

    I've had plenty of 9 and one 10 bedwarmer. I married a hard 8 whos broken 40 and is working hard to stay 7.

    And while I could get my bed warm and my coffee hot in about a week or so if she got hit by a bus, I wouldnt' DREAM of trying to repace her. 100 bedwarmers aren't worth a single high-quality wife.

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    1. My 7 has dropped to a 3. Way too much weight. Not thinking about replacing her. Why? Good WIFE. Fulfills all those other roles.

      Would I pursue her now, both of us in our mid-40's and her vastly overweight? No.

      But will I dump her just because she's let herself go? No. I've invested too much, and the rest of the payoff is more than worth it.

      There's just something about a woman who can see your heart quit and your eyes close, only to have her still be there, smiling like a cheerleader when they open again to sorta cement your commitment. She's the kind of woman I can trust to load for me when the zombies come.

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    2. This is really such a remarkably sweet thing to say. I think a lot of women just do not understand men can be like this, and I really don't think they understand their nasty feminist bullshit is practically killing this quality in men.

      Though maybe it only takes women being sweet and halfway decent to reawaken it. I also think you bring up another good point that women do not seem to GET. Being young and "hot" is about "landing your best possible prospect". That's IT. If a woman lands a good prospect (defined not just by any external like income, but also by his character, mostly by his character), then he is NOT going to just leave her or even love her less or find her gross as they age together.

      But if a woman is ONLY depending on her sexual stock and has NO personality skills... well that stock is going to plummet. I hate what feminism has done to this country and the majority of the women in it. It's rare to find a woman who hasn't been poisoned by this philosophy.

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  14. Grand slam home run, Mr. Ironwood. Outstanding.

    This is better than anything on HUS. Hands down.

    And yes, there are women in their 40s who aren't near The Wall yet. I've seen 45 YO HB8s and HB9s.

    deti

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    1. I disagree. The Wall isn't "no longer attractive." The Wall is where you are no longer prime mating material. Sure, The Wall is different for different women, but I've never seen a 40-year-old 10, and damn few nines. By 40, very few women can dial it up to 7.

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  15. Im over 40-45 to be exact and found a fantastic husband ( we married last year, I was 45 and he was 49)by doing above and basically ignoring all modern dating advice. I'm thin, fit, in shape, eat paleo, and also gourmet cook for him, clean, do all household chores, laundry , etc..and work a full time job. He works like a dog ( earns 4 times what I do) so I never give him crap about stuff if I can help it. I dote on him, comfort him ( sex him:) wait on him and treat him like a king. He in turn treats me like a queen. Not a princess ,mind you, but a queen. Its not perfect, but its as close as I think you can get. Traditional rules, and we are BOTH happy.

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    1. hah, it's all so simple really.

      But why does it take us until we're in our 40's, both men and women, to figure this stuff out? I have great parents who're coming up on their 50th anniversary. I could have learned by just watching, as a man, what to do. But i didn't. And I'm sure most girls don't just "not learn", they actively hate their own parents successful marriages. I've seen this many times.

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    2. You were told "they were doing it wrong" for most of your life, so you looked elsewhere for guidance. So did most dudes. You can see the result today. Hating their own parents' successful marriages is a hallmark of feminist thought, I've noticed. To be married is to be oppressed.

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    3. HA! If it's oppression I enjoy being oppressed. (11 years here. Husband actually loves me. whee! And I love him!)

      Delete
  16. I married a 45 year old woman, and we are coming up on twenty years. Two adopted chidren. However, Bogart's comments on women not knowing how to get men are very good. Two women had turned me down for not having had sex with them (one had never shown interest, the other had hit a very tender emotional part of me that took a while to get over). Several had no idea how to show their interest in sex, and dropped me after one or two dates (I was inexperienced indeed, but some gave no signs of interest, even looking back.)

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  17. Really, really good post. I especially enjoyed this: "As men are starting to realize that they are gatekeepers of commitment, they’re also starting to realize that their commitment has value."

    Women are the gatekeepers of sex, men the gatekeepers of commitment.

    Thanks for the linkage!

    -Keanu

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  18. what if there just aren't any interesting men out there, for a 30 year old solid 10 ?

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    1. bullshit. by 30 there's more good men than women, all the way up to 10.

      Delete
  19. Great post. As a 37 year old single mom (husband abandoned me after 10 years of marriage), I realize my chances of meeting a quality man that is willing to commit are pretty low. But I'm not ready to give up just yet. After taking the red pill and fully seeing the truth, it's hard not to get discouraged. I just don't accept that I have zero value because of my age and circumstances. Thanks for the practical advice!

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  20. "what if there just aren't any interesting men out there, for a 30 year old solid 10?"

    Firstly, get over yourself. For real. A solid 10? That's pretty rare. Secondly, change your definition of interesting men from "millionaire banker with immaculate game" to "regular guy" in or below your SR.

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  21. Did the woman find an engineer to date?

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  22. You know I read a lot in the Manosphere about this "wall" that women supposed hit on the eve of their 30th birthday that all of a sudden renders them unattractive marriage prospects to all men, but what I see in real life, and the data, just doesn't add up.

    I mean everywhere I see women in their 30s coupled up with men anywhere between the ages of 25 and 50.

    Sure, they may break up at some point, but how about all of the women who are either getting married for the first time in their 30s or are getting married for the 2nd time?

    The numbers are huge.

    Perhaps the Manosphere is talking of another country but here in the US, you just don't see the majority of 30 something women living lives as single spinsters.

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    1. I definitely see what you're saying here. It almost seems like all this "data" comes from the "hook-up" culture. People who are meeting on Match.com or in singles bars, because it doesn't seem to reflect real life people.

      I guess to a hammer everything looks like a nail and if you're looking for love in one specific way then the data for all that experience is assumed to be "how it is" everywhere.

      There are 7 billion people on this planet. Unless you've really let yourself go and have a crappy personality... really... no matter how old you are... there is SOMEBODY in your age range and attractiveness level that would probably like to be with you. But again, you have to take care of yourself and be a decent, kind human being.

      My neighbor got married when she was 52. And she's NOT a super hottie, even for her age. Her husband is a few years younger than her and she was a waitress and he met her where she worked.

      I know a ton of women who were "past their prime" or "past having children" who got married to great guys.

      I know women who are "4's" or "5's" who got married to great guys. I think there is actually a problem with the men who are putting numbers on women to begin with. I'm not saying it's wrong to be sexually attracted or not sexually attracted to a woman. Nor am I saying men are shallow for having certain beauty standards of what they are into, that's fine. But I think when you're putting an actual literal NUMBER on it that it's a little bit shallow because the implication is that you are so insecure you have to compare her to every other woman in existence and how your buddies might "rate her". And needing that much external validation for what you personally find hot is just kind of lame. I wouldn't want to be with a man who couldn't figure out his own standard for personal attraction.

      So basically, I agree with you. I think the "manosphere" covers a small subset of men. A LOUD subset, no doubt. But unless there is just something weird in the water here, or unless it's a result of living in a more conservative area where women are more traditional and therefore automatically more appealing to men for commitment... it just doesn't match what I've observed.

      I DO think it's harder, yes, for a woman over a certain age to find love. But I also think it's harder for a man over a certain age (unless he has money.) Men seem to live sometimes in this delusion that just because they are male that they can marry young hot things, but after a certain age, young women don't really want you (and think you are a little gross) unless you have the currency of MONEY. Now if you have money you can have what you want... but this is actually true for rich women, too.

      Money is the great equalizer.

      Delete
    2. "There are 7 billion people on this planet. Unless you've really let yourself go and have a crappy personality... really... no matter how old you are... there is SOMEBODY in your age range and attractiveness level that would probably like to be with you. But again, you have to take care of yourself and be a decent, kind human being."

      Take care of yourself? There are also plenty of obese people dating and marrying.

      I go out everyday and all I see around me is couples, couples, couples, everywhere - of all ages, shapes, sizes, socio-economic levels and "sexual market value" as the Man-o-fear would put it.

      Really reading their blogs you'd think nobody was mating in the US which is sheer projection on their part.

      Delete
    3. So . . . your casual observations trump the statistics?

      Congrats. Make sure you tell the homeless that there isn't a problem, because there are plenty of empty houses out there.

      Go ahead. Do it. I want to watch what happens.

      Delete
    4. Bravo, Z, well said. Older men without money are nobodies, men flatter themselves to much if they think they get more valuable with age.

      Delete
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  25. Ian, I think you've created some age old thought that is (in this day and age) revolutionary. I believe that the failure of American women to unlearn the feminist doctrine where it applies to marriage, is the single biggest reason for the booming foreign dating service industry.

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  27. I'm a 28 year old female who has been reading over this blog with wide, tearful eyes, and unabashed intrigue. I am offended by what I'm finding here, but I'm also...grateful? I've wanted to know more about men (at least the kind I'm interested in and hoping will be interested in me).

    I am exasperated and exhausted from all the empty reassurances that I am given: There is someone for everyone. One day you'll meet the right man. You're smart and accomplished and they're fools if they don't see that...blah blah blah.

    But I AM smart. I AM educated. And one thing I learned was that through the fundamental laws of statistical mathematics it is unlikely that I am the exception to any rule. It is unlikely that I am somehow special. And it's very unlikely that I am not a fault for how things are in my life. I'm not sure yet what exactly I'm doing wrong, but I feel confident I am doing plenty wrong.

    I want to be married, I want a family. I believe in marriage and monogamy, and complimentary (not equal) relationships between men and women. I don't believe in divorce. I don't believe anyone is entitled to anything.

    I want a man to love me for who and what I am, and I want to love him the same in return. But when I think about what I actually have to offer besides sex and loyalty, I am hard pressed to think of anything really enticing. I suspect a degree, a job, and material things may be appreciable, but how useful are they to a potential husband? I feel like I might have been served better by learning to bake pies than learning to speak three languages. I think my time would have been better spent honing my beauty skills and applying them rather than carefully tabulating data in a laboratory to demonstrate the feasibility of a unimportant hypothesis. I think I should have spent less time competing with men and trying to convince them that I was on par with them than I did enjoying their capabilities and embracing the fact that I'm female. I'm not a man and I don't want to be, so why have I spent my most feasible years working to basically become one?

    I can do a lot of domestic things because I have to take care of myself, but I would like to do them better and not because I have to, but because I want to, so that my husband doesn't have to. I want my trust to be worth earning and for a man to earn it. I want to reciprocate. I don't want to be equal, I want to be complimentary.

    I've spent all this time basically becoming a guy instead of becoming a woman worthy of marriage and motherhood. I'm angry, because I did everything I was told was right to do. I am monumentally stupid for having missed something glaringly obvious: if a man wanted another man, he'd be gay.

    Accolades and a clear Amex card are cold comfort when your bed is empty and you're the one that bought it and you're sitting in the empty empire that you built.

    I feel like I might as well be a 58 year old woman looking for a loving husband given how badly I've missed the boat. Never mind 28.

    Thank you feminism for voting and birth control. But I'm hard to pressed to think of anything else all the independence and equality has made possible for me that I appreciate, let alone do not feel utterly confused and empty as a result thereof.

    At least this material and Mr. Ironwood's books are giving me some insight into where exactly I went wrong. So at least maybe as a girlfriend to other women, I won't give them the same heart-felt but bullshit advice that I was foolish enough to accept.

    Please keep speaking up guys, there are more generations of women on their way up and, I at least, wouldn't wish this confusion and unhappiness on any of them. I don't wish it on any of you men either. I hope you can get things right again, like you had them all those thousands of years up until now. We need you and I am rooting in your corner even if I cannot be a part of it.

    - M

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  28. This is a nice blog and Actually I am addicted to this blog and read it nowadays on daily bases.

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  30. Thanks friends, for providing such enlightening data. candy crush it

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