Friday, July 25, 2014

The AFC Spreadsheet Challenge: Run Your Numbers

I'm not piling on the criticism of the Spreadsheet Man, considering the amount of public abuse his passive-aggressive behavior earned him.  The issue isn't the spreadsheet - the spreadsheet was a good idea - the issue was one of how to use this tool.  Unfortunately, the Game-ignorant, Blue Pill Average Fucking Chump (AFC) husband has no idea how to take this very valuable data and leverage it into a more fulfilling sex life.

There comes a point in every married man's life when his unofficial numbers drop below the threshold he can comfortably stand.  Sex is an incentive reward system, and when his rewards drop so do his incentives.  Spreadsheet Man was batting a dismal 11%.  That is, for every hundred dedicated attempts at initiating sex with his wife, he successfully had sex just 11% of the time.  That's just shy of the Numbers Game ploy that novices at Game employ, before they have any social skills or practical knowledge of approach.  A man in 11% territory has every right to be alarmed at the state and direction of his marriage.

Most of the ire directed at Spreadsheet Man from the Manosphere has focused on the poor Gamesmanship he displayed, or - in the case of a few hopeless romantics - the temerity to consign something as sacred as marital relations to the cold, hard medium of Excel.  But if a man is to complain about something as serious as his sex life to his wife, he had better have objective data to give him some context.  Not that he could or should use the spreadsheet to try to bargain his way back into her panties - as Rollo has brilliantly demonstrated in his analysis of this case study in AFC sexual management, "you cannot negotiate attraction."  That's a mistake a lot of poor AFC Beta husbands make: thinking that he can use logic and reason to break the dismal numbers he's getting.

Let's set aside for a moment the issue of his use of this tool, this spreadsheet, and investigate instead just what would compel a man to create one.  That's the question I keep hearing women ask about the subject: "Why on earth would a man do something like that?"

Accountability. The short answer is that he created one because there was a stunning enough lack in his marital sex life that he felt compelled to measure the subject.  When his wife responds to his complaints with the inevitable "But we have plenty of sex - I don't reject you!" in order to salvage her bruised ego, Spreadsheet Man wanted to know if that was a factual statement or not.  You don't go shopping when there are plenty of groceries in the cupboard.  When the cupboard is bare enough, you suddenly need to take stock to see just how dire things actually are.

Let me break it down for you.

Most women use a variety of subjective measurements to determine their level of satisfaction with a relationship, a position that can wax and wane with the lunar tides sometimes.  Men, on the other hand, use the frequency and variety of sexual relations in their relationship as a rough metric for their satisfaction with it.  Simple of us, I know, but that's just how we are.  For most of us, if we're getting it good and regular, and with sufficient enthusiasm and imagination, then we can put up with anything form mothers-in-law to zombie apocalypse.  But if the nookie dries up, it doesn't matter how well everything else is going in the marriage, there's a problem.

A Note To the Wives

How much of a problem is the real question.  If your husband has ever produced a document or kept track of your sex life, yes, you have a problem, but the problem isn't with your dude.  When a dude starts running the numbers, yes, he's already invested some energy into the idea, so dismissing it angrily is not going to help your marriage.  It might seem unromantic, ladies, but that's our practical masculine approach to the problem.  Indeed, "running the numbers" is a Game fundamental.  The fact that you get uncomfortable when your man starts looking that carefully at your sex life should tell you something.

Look, ladies, try not to take this personally, although I know that's difficult.  No one likes to think that their intimate life is under a microscope.  But the fact that there is a problem in your husband's mind is the important thing, here.  It doesn't matter how often your girlfriends and sisters have sex, your married friends or your divorced friends, it doesn't matter what Cosmo says the national average for married couples is . . . if your husband thinks that there's a problem, then regardless of all other factors, there's a problem.

The feminine imperative and feminist dogma both encourage you to ignore this problem or - better yet - blame it on him.  But the sexually "Thirsty Husband" has a far higher chance of committing infidelity than the sexually-satisfied husband.  I know dudes who blew up their whole marriage and family over their wife's inability or unwillingness to give blowjobs.  It might sound petty and immature, but that's just how seriously we take our physical sex lives.

At the very least, consider it an exercise in practical mate guarding.  No matter how boring and ordinary you may think the dude you married might be to you, to a woman five to ten years younger he's a mature, sophisticated man who has his shit together - and there is no end of the women who are willing to poach him out from under you.  If your man is making spreadsheets and complaining about the nookie, that's an early warning sign that he's at risk.

The remedy is NOT to chew him out, castigate his morals or demean his sexuality, make excuses or blame him for the problem - on the contrary, the remedy is to take his complaint seriously, without taking it personally.  He's not saying he doesn't love you - he's saying he wants to love you more, and the frustration in that matter is becoming intolerable.  But he doesn't understand how (thanks to Blue Pill thinking) to articulate that in a helpful and meaningful way.

The Spreadsheet As Tool For Transformation

The Average Fucking Chump (AFC) married man who feels sexually rejected by his wife under the Blue Pill method approaches the beginning of Red Pill wisdom.  If he gets so far as to start charting the results of his encounters and rejections, he's starting to appreciate the magnitude of the problem.  Most wives hate to admit how many times they gently reject their husband's advances, preferring to see such tactics not as rejection but as "anticipatory teasing", as one female colleague called it.  The problem arises when that anticipation goes unfulfilled, and the affection the husband harbored starts to spoil.

Most Blue Pill husbands will reluctantly accept their wives' sexual excuses, as long as they hit often enough to make playing the game worthwhile (anywhere from 25-33%).  That is, as long as they have some sort of sex every 3-4 times they initiate, they'll generally accept that as reasonable, rather than imperil even those meager rations.  It's when you start getting rejected four times out of five or more that the AFC starts to get the feeling the game is rigged.

Charting out your rejections is unromantic, but then so are rejections.  Before you can understand the need for good Married Game, you must first understand the scope of the problem, and a spreadsheet over a given period of time (say, 90 days) is a good, rational, reliable, utterly pragmatic way to take stock of your status quo.  If you're a husband who is looking for a way to get your wife to have more sex with you, then this kind of data gathering before you take action is essential.

The AFC Spreadsheet Challenge

So I'm proposing any man who is toying with the Red Pill, but remains unconvinced of its potential effectiveness in his own marriage, take the AFC Spreadsheet Challenge.  Starting August 1st, start charting the number of times you initiate sex with your wife and her response.  Do this for 90 days, ending on Halloween, October 31st.

A few ground rules:

1. You may not inform your wife of what you are doing, lest you spoil the objective nature of the observations.

2. Only legitimate, sincere efforts of initiation, clearly and unequivocally stated, are counted as "real" initiations.  Mumbling "babe, can we tonight?" as she's running out the door to work doesn't count.  Neither does proposing a lunch-time blowjob when you know there is no possible way to make it happen.  There has to be adequate opportunity and reasonable conditions, as well as unmistakable communication of intent, to count an initiation.

3. You may display no negative recriminations, whining, or complaint with her rejections.  You merely note them in the log and detail the context and circumstances.  As a corollary, do not attempt a serious initiation more than once per day, unless the original rejection was redeemed later as a "raincheck".

4. You should also note the state of her menstrual cycle in your notes in order to make this exercise the most helpful.  Most AFCs don't believe or really understand the importance of the menstrual cycle on their success ratios.  See if a higher success rate corresponds to her most fertile period, when the data is analyzed.

5. Also to give this exercise the most benefit, note any scheduling issues, interruptions in normal routine, or other factors that might impact the normal flow of marital bliss.

6. Note time of day and location.  Likewise note exceptional response, including increased enthusiasm, novelty, and general interest in sexual relations.  You might be batting low numbers, but if you're hitting home runs frequently enough it can make up for it. Or your regular at-bat means a walk to first, perhaps with a lonely walk back to the bench afterward.

The point of this exercise is no more and no less than to collect empirical data on your ACTUAL sex life.  It isn't to instantly start improving it.  Indeed, what you are doing here is establishing your control data as a benchmark for improvement.  Being able to look at a representation of your personal sexual history can be rudely informative.  Knowing what your real numbers are, instead of the vague and subjective arguments your wife may propose about your sex life (do these sound familiar?  "We do it all the time!  We did it just the other day!  I don't reject you, you just want it all the time!  Is that all you think about?  Is that all I am to you?") is the first painful step on the road toward improving your sex life.

What you do with that data is key.  DON'T email it to your wife in a passive-aggressive snit, else you, too, may end up on Facebook or Reddit.  The point isn't to shame your wife, as Spreadsheet Man apparently tried.

But after 90 days of careful record-keeping, if you run your numbers and discover you're batting worse than you did picking up skanks in college bars, then you have a good reason to go to your wife with the reasonable complaint about your sex life.  NOT the spreadsheet.  Try it. (We'll go over this again in November, but this is where we're shooting - and I'll put it in nice Blue Pill Non-Offensive language, to help you get started).

"Honey, we need to talk.  I'm concerned about our sex life.  I don't feel that you're taking my sexual needs seriously, and I thought it would be best if we discussed it."

(Start in a non-accusing, reasonable, rational way.  See if she agrees if there is a problem.  See if she reacts emotionally.  See if she reacts violently.  How she reacts will give you at least some insight into the nature of the problem you face.  Let's assume for the moment she's going to be only slightly offended at your temerity, but curious enough to continue the conversation without an immediate appeal to emotion):

"Don't be silly, dear.  We have sex plenty - all the time.  How can you think I don't take your needs seriously?  I love you!"

Continue: "I've been paying close attention to how often we have sex lately.  That is, I've been looking at how often I bring it up and how often you turn it down.  I didn't want to come and talk to you if I was just blowing things out of proportion, after all - that wouldn't be fair.  But I kept track of just how often we've done it, lately, and just how often I tried to talk you into it."

(Using terms like fairness, equity, and equal are all helpful terms to hold frame and keep the discussion focused and in-context.  Let's assume she doubles-down on her position in the face of the realization that her husband is serious - and she's in danger of being held accountable.  Common female tactics in this case are to a) Blame the Male, b) Cause a Scene c) Appeal For Support d) Deny.  Let's assume she goes with Option D.).

"That's just not true!  Not only do I say yes most of the time, I even initiate sometimes!  You know that!"

Continue: "I'm sorry, but that's not what I see.  I've tried to initiate ___ times in the last three months - serious, real attempts to get your attention and try to be intimate.  During that time you actually initiated only twice, and most of the time you turned me down."

(This is where things get hairy, because the fact that you are checking so sincerely belies her stated position: that you have plenty of sex and that she doesn't reject you very often.  Worse, you've kept track and that makes her accountable for her actions.  While she likely believes that you are correct, her feminine pride and her horror at being held accountable risks seeing the situation blow up before it can be effectively dealt with.  This is where she might go to a) Blame the Male)

"I can't believe you took our sex life and made a spreadsheet out of it!"

"This isn't about the spreadsheet (maintain frame), this is about the health of our marriage.  I'm not trying to lecture you.  This is an item of concern for me, and I wanted to call it to your attention.  But if I'm getting results like this, I must be doing something wrong, don't you think?"

(No, this is not at all ALPHA - but your Blue Pill wife isn't expecting ALPHA demands.  Nor are you going to be able to make any - you don't have any Game yet.  Just bear with me)

"Honestly, I don't know where you get this stuff.  Of course you're not doing anything wrong!  It's just that we've been married for a while now - you can't expect us to act like newlyweds anymore."

"No, I expect us to act like a happily married husband and wife.  I could get rejected most of the time when I was single.  Why do you think you turn me down as often as you do?"  (This also holds frame, and puts the ball back in her court.  If she has a problem with your approach, this is where it will come out.  Likely possible responses include:

"I just don't feel like it sometimes."
"When you just pop up out of the blue and initiate, it takes me by surprise.  I'm not always ready."
"I don't like the way my body feels anymore."
"I don't know, I'm just not that into sex anymore."
"I'm just too tired - you know how much I work."

Etc. Etc.  This is the Excuse Wagon, pulled by the Rationalization Hamster.  No doubt you've recorded all of her given excuses already, but go ahead and take the time to write down her issues.  The goal isn't to negotiate desire, but to call to her attention the fact that this is a problem that you are now devoting your time and energy to.  Do it gently.  She's not going to tell you the real reason she's not responding sexually to you.

She's bored.

She's uninspired.

She's complacent.

She feels that married women aren't supposed to have as much sex.

She feels unattractive.

And all of those things, you poor AFC Beta Boy, are the REAL reason why your numbers are low.  There's only one way to raise them, and that's not doing dishes and a spiffy job on the lawn.  The only way to get your wife to have more sex with you is to Game her.  That is, study her sexual responses and understand them well enough to invoke them.  And then make yourself into an instrument to do just that.  The Spreadsheet is a tool toward that goal, nothing more.  But after 90 days, you should have an adequate baseline to tell you just how much work you have to do before you reach your goal.

19 comments:

  1. We men sure are a practical bunch. This was exactly what I did five years ago, and it was my birth into the red pill. Although I never told her, I simply realized there was a problem, and I started researching. Understanding "game" changed everything, and I continued to chart to see improvement, learn her cycles, etc. Five years later, there is no chart, and no serious rejections, ever.

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  2. "See if a higher success rate corresponds to her most fertile period, when the data is analyzed."

    Most especially: If her being on heat corresponds to a *lower* success rate, then it's all over and you should start preparing for you divorce. Because if this is the case, then when she is most fertile, most desirous of sex, you are not the man she wants it from. If, in addition to this, she tends to go on "girls nights out" during that fertility window, get yourself checked for STDs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have to interject some humor here.
    My husband and I discussed the Spreadsheet guy earlier in the week so this morning while we were having coffee in bed he watching his favorite cooking show, I began to read your post out loud.
    Understand we have no issues with intimacy, but I've been on a really regimented diet lately. He has been very supportive even to the point of removing all temptation from the house and in an effort to lose a few himself he's not had sweets in over two months (at least in front of me).

    So when I got to the part about women using subjective measurements to determine their level of sexual satisfaction verses men using variety and frequency I asked him to turn the TV down to get his feedback on that statement. He agreed, of course.

    As I continued to read out loud thinking he's listening to me I arrive at the line,

    "But the sexually "Thirsty Husband" has a far higher chance of committing infidelity than the sexually-satisfied husband."

    I look over at my husband and see the lust in his eyes.
    Sadly that lust was not for me but for the Chicken pesto Panini with Gruyere, a pasta dish she had whipped up and warm Jr. Mint brownies with homemade vanilla ice cream on top.

    He's not making spreadsheets or complaining about the lack of dessert and bread but I can hear the ache in his voice when he picks a restaurant that serves salads over his favorite burger at Five Guys. I thought about how much this sounded like wives who deny their husbands. While I never asked him to deny himself or join me in the diet, I think encouraging him to satisfy that thirst at least once a week should be enough to quench that craving. ;)

    Ian, I would add one more to your list of the real reasons she is not responding to you; she doesn't feel you are her equal. If she is making all the decisions in the home she has to much power. Hope I'm saying this right, but if you are just sleeping eating and doing maintenance chores that usually fall to a man that's not enough. Does she feel the power of your male presence in the home?

    Practicallyperfect

    ReplyDelete
  4. If I remember the article, it was the *wife* that posted the spreadsheet on Reddit. While the responders were ragging on the man for being passive-aggressive, most responders were people asking the wife why wasn't she wasn't holding up her end. Hated the guy's methods, but really hated that his wife made him desperate enough to start documenting.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have only 1 minor quibble with this most excellent article: If he's going to the trouble to analyze things so objectively, it is no longer an early warning sign. It's a direct instruction to hit the panic button.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I used to be that guy, spread sheet and all. Never sprung it on the wife but I was acutely aware of that and by extension any unhappy man with a brain and a wallet is acutely aware of the "hooker math", what a lay with a decent pro is worth, vs date night etc etc etc for a 50/50 chance of sexual congress.

    Fast forward a few years of red pill and I am happy as a clam with sex life, no documentation required. If its a little slow, I know full well it is my own doing. I need to get off my ass and lift and do some hard game and initiations to get to my / our happy place.
    All praise GAME!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ian - Your suggestion still comes across as negotiating desire. I'm not sure sitting her down and having a big discussion is very effective.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not saying use it to negotiate. Use it to collect data. You can't get to where you want to be until you know where you are. More than likely you'll see the data in front of you and realize you need Game, not a negotiation. But unless you have data, you just have frustration.

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  9. It's all about game, frame and being Alpha all the time.
    I'm in the same boat too. Sex once /twice a month. The momentum shift is coming that I can see. Thanks to the great web site. Thanks Ian!

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  13. So I'm proposing any man who is toying with the Red Pill, but remains unconvinced of its potential effectiveness in his own marriage, take the AFC Spreadsheet Challenge. Starting August 1st, start charting the number of times you initiate sex with your wife and her response. Do this for 90 days, ending on Halloween, October 31st.
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