Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Red Pill Anniversary, Phase I: Art

Trying to keep these short.

Tomorrow is the 21st anniversary of Mrs. Ironwood and I meeting.  The ironies of the match were many: we grew up within miles of each other, I knew her brother from failing Spanish 2 with him (twice) as well as Scouts, and due to a unique quirk in the social-space-time continuum, she had actually seen naked baby pictures of me before ever laying eyes on me.

But the reason I'm particularly proud of 21, as opposed to 20, is that our 21st anniversary represents the fact that we have concluded twenty solid years together. Petty distinction, perhaps, but from this point forward she will have spent more of her life with me than without me, and I think that's worthy of note and celebration.

So how do you do a good Wolf Alpha/Red Pill Anniversary?  There's an art to it.   I mean, I could just shell out some cash for jewelry she'll never wear, couldn't I?

I'm an Ironwood.  I'm better than that.

Well, first you start a few months in advance.  You make it multi-faceted, and attempt to encompass as many of the points of your union as you can.  You include the element of surprise and sentimentality, and you spend a whole, whole lot of time, energy and effort to carry it off -- especially while you're recovering from an as-yet-diagnosed-but-undoubtedly-disturbing illness.

Let's start with the art.

Not everyone is naturally talented at art -- but everyone has some talent in some type of artistic media, whether they recognize it or not.  Hell, everyone can fingerpaint.  But if you do have a moderate talent at something like drawing or painting or sculpting --perhaps something you've dabbled in, but never pursued seriously.  Consider indulging your creative side and allowing your admittedly unpracticed hands manifest your feelings for your wife in your preferred media.  And the element of surprise means that if it really, really sucks, candy and jewelry is always on the table.



In my case, the first part of my anniversary gift seems rather mundane: I'm getting a print we've had hanging in our bedroom forever framed.  I've often advocated for including some tasteful erotic artwork in your bedroom to help encourage a bountiful humpage, and a few years ago I got her a print of Gustav Klimt's The Kiss for her for another anniversary (I forget which one).  I chose the print for three reasons: first, it is tastefully erotic yet something I don't have to over-explain to my children; second, it's a beautiful artistic expression of the essential emotional resonance, the passionate culmination of pursuit and preparation for seduction; and three, the beautiful yellow color kinda almost matches a yellow antique loveseat we have in our bedroom that is too valuable and useful for storage, yet which goes with NOT ANOTHER GOD DAMN THING in the bedroom.

Hence, the painting.  She loved it, we hung it on the wall unframed until it got dusty and we moved some stuff around, and for the last few months it's been languishing behind the computer desk, unseen and unappreciated.  So I dug it out and took it to my buddy Lance to be framed.

Simple.  Elegant. Meaningful.  Cheap.  A pleasant surprise that adds to the feel of our mutual playground and business office.  She'll feel bad, because she probably got me a card and something silly, and here I did all this meaningful-yet-erotic-yet-romantic-and-braggable stuff.  Indeed, thanks to her schedule, it's 50/50 that she'll even forget our anniversary, unless Google Calendar comes to her rescue.  That might inspire some truly incredible contrition sex, and we all know just how much fun that can be!

A mere mortal would be content to sit back and bask in the glow of his accomplishment.  A unique, thoughtful, and practical gift laden with romantic meaning is pretty hard to beat.  And there will be dinner -- I'll cover that later -- and other typical anniversary fare.

But that's far from all I have planned.   I'm just getting started.  Over the course of the next week, there will be more surprises.  More wonders.  More excitement.  (and hopefully no more Urgent Care visits).  And when it's all said and done, if I've done my job right, then my wife will be preternaturally devoted to me and convinced that I am the Best Husband Ever, in the cosmic sense.  And once again I will have raised the bar on everyone else.

All part of my evil plan, Mwahahahahahaha.




UPDATE:  This is how the frame turned out . . .


That's high-quality moulding, and two different mattes, UV glass, paper backing and a museum-quality hanger on the back.  The frame is easily worth 100 times the value of the print.  It's probably the nicest thing in my bedroom now.  Mrs. Ironwood loved it, but reminded me that it was SHE who originally purchased the print -- when I insisted that she choose some tasteful erotic art for our bedroom because (and I shit you not) for a while she had two baby pictures of herself hanging over our bed, and nothing is a boner-killer like cute baby pictures.  

12 comments:

  1. Way to make the rest of us Homer Simpson chumps look bad! Here I thought the bowling ball I got Marge with "Homer" inscribed was romantic! :)

    On another note, it's interesting the coincidences in social-time continuum. Mrs. AMG knew and was friends with some of my best friends in college for several years before we ever met, but timing worked out on that one and our social circles integrated really easily right off the bat.

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  2. Sorry about being this annoying... but the 20th anniversary was already a "solid 20". From zero (meeting) to one counts as one... so the 19-20 is the 20th year. So, solid 20.

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    1. Nothing to do with the part where she spent more of her life with you than without you. I would like to celebrate that part also! :D

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    2. I was a liberal arts major. I can't do math unless it involves a royalty check.

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  3. UPDATE: So far this morning she hasn't mentioned it. Odds are now 70/30 she's forgotten, or doesn't have it on her electronic calendar. She's already texted me once about something mundane, no mention. Looks like it's going to be an interesting day . . .

    (I'm not mad, more amused. Aren't men the ones who are supposed to forget anniversaries?)

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  4. UPDATE 2: It's noon, we've spoken on the phone 3 times, and she STILL hasn't mentioned it. I'd say it's now 80/20 she's forgotten!

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    1. That's pretty funny actually. It wouldn't be a big deal if either my wife or I forgot but would be something we'd rib each other about for years if something like this happened.

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    2. UPDATE 3: 3:30, and still no sign she's remembered. She may have mitigating circumstances (talked a colleague off of a ledge) but still . . . you'd think it would stick out in her mind.

      I have already put plans in motion, and the results will likely be bloggable. I'll keep y'all posted.

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  5. Most excellent. I love that print, it's beautiful... I'd love to find something like that for our room. Can't wait to hear the rest of your plans!

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  6. FINAL UPDATE:

    No, she didn't forget . . . she mistook my increasing stress about her forgetting (and not mentioning it) as a sign that I was having a bad day, and she didn't want to take the chance that I'd forgotten to stress me out further. She loved the frame (I'll post a pic of it later -- Lance truly out-did himself) and a proper celebration was had -- starting at the place we met (it's a really good Irish Pub now -- Jameson's makes a great appetizer), box of high-end chocolate truffles, then across the street to eat our weight in sushi. I'll leave the naughty parts up to your imagination, but it was as hot as only two middle-aged married and somewhat out of shape people can make it without waking up any of the kids.

    There's a more lengthy celebration planned, and two more big gifts I'll cover in future posts. But so far, so good . . .

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  7. Oh, and I'd thought I'd mention that my framer, Lance, has done this particular print something like 400 TIMES in the last 10 years. It's a popular one -- but get the skinny version, not the complete picture. It's prettier, with all the background stuff, but it's also about three times as much to frame. And who has that much wall-space?

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  8. I know this is old, but wanted to give you an update. Our new home we purchased this spring was, until very recently, woefully lacking in any decorations. This was especially true in the main two rooms: the bedroom and living room. We purchased a few art prints, including a couple Vincent Van Goes and the Kiss print you have here. We swapped some old movie posters out of some nice frames frame from our old home theater, and they ended up looking pretty great. Thanks for the idea!

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