Breaking Beta: The Boob Test

If there is any better demonstration that the Red Pill isn’t blanket misogyny and unreasonable expectations, it’s the HUGE number of female readers I seem to have developed.  These women are eager to hear what I have to say about the male psyche and appreciate my observations about the female psyche.  More importantly, they want something that would seem a no-brainer for most American women, but something that has been dropped on the list of feminine priorities: good, solid, dependable relationships that are sexually and emotionally fulfilling with decent, strong, masculine men who aren’t afraid of their own masculinity . . . or of femininity.

That last part is the problem.  The Betacization of the American Male is a historical fact, as is the abuse of the Betas by (often feminist-leaning) women in the SMP, not to mention the hue and cry over the lack of “good” men for American women to mate with.  Even seemingly-stable, secure, all-American marriages can and do disintegrate all the time, thanks to the chasm between the expectations and fulfillment of both genders.  My previous post, You’re Just Going Through A Stage, elicited a lot of email.  Some from women who are going through just this issue, and some from men and younger women who see it as the horror it is.

So the question arises: "if I’m married to a Perfectly Decent Beta Dude, how do I unlock the hidden Alpha beast-man-with-a-heart-of-gold I yearn for?  Realistically, that is."

And that’s a good question . . . in fact, it is one of the most pressing questions in the Manosphere.  Because the Gen Xers who were the first bitter products of divorce are hitting 40, and a lot of them didn’t get married, got married and then divorced, or are in unhappy marriages headed for divorce, and if these dudes don’t get their act together now, then more trouble is inevitable. 

So how do you . . . de-domesticate your dude?

We’re not talking total reversal, here – you don’t want to drive him to quit his job, by a Harley and hustle pool for a living or anything.  You just want some sharp edges, some excitement, some command presence, some . . . ALPHA.  You want to look at his face and see a far-off gaze as he hears the call of the wild, and then the warm grin he gets when he looks back at you and says something saucy about your boobs.  You want to see him stiffen up and prepare for action when he sees danger, not quietly drag you away by the elbow.  You want to come home from work and discover that he’s booked plane tickets to Cabo as a surprise, or that he’s cooked a five-course Chinese meal for the two of you, or he’s rented a convertible for the weekend and wants to have a picnic in another state.  You want to see him take initiative, step up, lead, command, BE A MAN, all of those wonderfully romantic, undeniably ALPHA things that make your nipples hard and your naughty parts tremble.

Only . . . he’s still just Bob.

Oh, we all know, Bob is great – actually, Bob is good.  Perfectly good . . . but not quite great.  If he was great, you wouldn’t be here, you’d be thinking naughty thoughts about Bob, but you aren’t.  Bob is your husband, and that fact alone makes him . . . boring.  And if you think he’s boring now, then just wait 10 years.  Only you won’t, maybe.  Maybe you’ll say “I’m not haaaapy” or “I don’t feel appreciated” and then dump poor ol’ Bob. 

Thing is, Bob is the way he is – uber-Beta – because that’s what you’ve taught him you want him to be.  Especially if you have children, you likely have sanded as much of his rough edges off as possible, to make him a better and more dependable dad.  You both have gotten into patterns that have calcified into habits that are turning into customs which are well on their way to being traditions . . . and they aren’t the kind of life either one of you envisioned or, perhaps, even really wanted.

Oh, it’s probably pretty good on paper, despite the struggle.  There have always been issues.  But you’ve solved them – or, at least, you (singular) have solved them, and your husband has quietly agreed with your leadership.  Because it’s more trouble to agree with you and not piss you off than to put up with a fight and no sex over something stupid, in his mind.

But now, how do you get Bob out of his well-worn place and get him to show enough Alpha so that you aren’t dreaming of exotic and muscular strangers on tropical beaches when you make love?

I’ve said it can be done, and it can.  But I’ve never said it would be easy, and it isn’t.  At least not usually.

If a woman wants to break her husband’s Beta, she has to first face some uncomfortable truths about herself, women, men, and relationships; then she has to evaluate herself and her husband objectively, without emotional context, according to masculine (not feminine) standards.  Then she has to discover a way to inspire/ignite/incite him toward his Alpha without actually leading him there, supporting him when he falters and be willing to “suffer” a little before she gets what she wants.

And what she wants, she might discover, might not be as good as what she actually gets.

Ever wonder why divorced men do so well after a divorce?  If the psychological pressure doesn’t kill him or ruin him, then a man is forced to get more Alpha as a survival and mating tool after a divorce.  His old life, the life he thought he’d been building, is gone, and in his mind he’s in his teens again, trying to prove himself and attract the eye of a pretty girl.  So he works out, learns a modicum of Game, and in this target-rich environment he doesn’t usually have to wait around long to find another woman who’s perfectly willing to accept his baggage in exchange for his renewed lust, proven ability to provide, and resurgent, re-discovered Alpha. 

If you want to get that kind of effect without a divorce, that’s going to be tricky . . . but a lot cheaper.  How do you get your husband to be the kind of man that will excite you and lead you and make you want to follow him . . . anywhere?

You get him to stop being the man he is, and become someone else.

In divorce, that’s easy: he was your husband, now he’s your ex-husband.  Poof!  Instant transformation, human soul sold separately.  But if you want him to start out as your husband and still be your husband when you’re done, then don’t change his title and position – change the man.

But “Men don’t change”, I’ve heard that a thousand times this year alone.  The fact is we do change, all the time, and some of us are capable of quite profound changes . . . if we feel inspired enough to make the effort. 

Now, of course, you’re wondering “so . . . am I just not worth the effort?  Am I not naturally inspiring enough for him?  Is it my thighs?  My belly?  My ankles?  My hair?  WHY DOES HE DO THIS TO ME?!?!” and before you know it you’ve picked a fight with the man without him having to do anything at all.  Self-esteem issues, thy name is woman.

So, to begin with, quit worrying that he isn’t attracted to you.  If you’ve clearly offered him sex and he’s eagerly accepted it three times in the last month, he’s still plenty interested.

Want to test that theory?  Go flash him your boobs and offer him an opportunity to play with them for a moment, no strings attached.  If he doesn’t take you up on it, you might have a problem.  More likely, he’s just trying not to be “too pushy” and make you feel intimidated . . . because he has no idea that you want to be a little intimidated.

And of course he feels you’re worth the effort . . . some times.  But most of the time everything is fine, so he doesn’t push it.

A new hairstyle or wardrobe or shoes isn’t going to suddenly spur him into Alphahood, although it might get you boned.  Giving him additional guidance on what he’s doing isn’t going to increase the quality and strength of your partnership, it’s going to annoy him.  But he won’t push it.  He’ll keep his mouth shut, do it your way because it’s just easier than fighting, and move on. 

If you want to change the man you have, you have some work to do. There are no guarantees it will work, but it’s almost inevitable that things will change . . . one way or another. 

1. YOUR HUSBAND

Let’s begin by sketching out your husband.  Or, let’s begin by sketching out what your ideal for a husband is, and then determine how close your actual husband comes to that . . . as objectively as possible.  Try not to be too specific (“the ideal brings me flowers every Thursday, on my birthday, Valentine’s Day, and sometimes just because.  The actual got me flowers on my birthday only because his sister reminded him to.”) or too general (“my ideal has good values . . . but my actual husband looks at porn and likes to hang out in bars”).  Use the time-honored formula employed by high school girls everywhere: the Pro-Con list.

Before we move on, let’s also examine by just what you feel when you think of the word ‘husband’.  Is it a warm and tingly feeling that makes you feel safe and protected?  Or is it a sad admission that a woman can’t do it all and needs help?  When you think ‘husband’ do you think ‘boring’ or do you think ‘exciting’?  Just the word – not your actual husband.

Why?  Because a friend of mine had a great relationship . . . until she got married.  Then things went south, quick.  It wasn’t that she didn’t love him or was even not attracted to him, it was the simple fact that her mother and aunts had always said the word “husband” in a disdainful and derogatory manner, and when she heard someone refer to her boyfriend as her ‘husband’, she cringed.  She felt that just having a husband was a kind of admission of failure and inadequacy. 

So . . . stop thinking of husbands, in general, as clumsy and incompetent boobs who usually get what they deserve.  Stop thinking of them – in general – as obstacles to sensible living and challenges to good taste.  Most women in America have a very low opinion of husbands, largely because of how much they hear other women complain about theirs.  When a woman looks upon the word “husband” as a term that grants strength, protection, and pride in her union, instead of the inevitable suffix to “ex-”, then it’s amazing how much her attitude toward her husband can change.

If you aren’t familiar with the etymology of it, the term husband refers to Middle English huseband, from Old English hūsbōnda, from Old Norse hūsbōndi (hūs, "house" + bōndi, būandi, present participle of būa, "to dwell", so, etymologically, "a householder").  That is, he was the one legally and socially responsible for a family’s dwelling . . . the “head of household” designation that feminists have been so desperately attacking for years.  In our transient, post-industrial world, that merely means his name is on the lease or the mortgage – no big whup.

Only it is, or at least it was.  Before we changed homes every five years, the establishment of a permanent dwelling fit to raise children in was a major accomplishment to aspire to.  Nor was it easy, thanks to laws and customs and class and economics.  And yes, the laws did indeed prevent wives or single-women to be considered “heads” of households, except in special circumstances.

But for thousands of years the defining issue of “husband” was a man who had established a House.  He had built a home, or provided one, and was intent on raising a family, one that would ensure his survival into dotage.  That was the entire purpose of the institution of marriage in the Agricultural Age.  Your family was the ONLY “social security” anyone had, and building a strong family was a matter of survival, not just an occasion to go to bridal shows.

Being a husband had a social component to it that it currently lacks.  In the Middle Ages in England the term transformed into “Goodman”, but a husband was not merely the spouse of a wife, he was a unit in a larger social and political organization.  The investment in a marriage and a family and a House was a substantial commitment, not just to a woman but to a community.  You had a social obligation to protect and provide for your wife . . . but you also had an obligation to see that she didn’t “stir up trouble”.  The goodmen and the goodwives of a village were part of a sophisticated social network in which the responsibilities and expectations of what role a “husband” and a “wife” were well-defined, to each other and to the community.

Over-defined, if you ask feminists, who are the ones largely responsible for the denigration of both the term and the institution.  Such “gender-based roles” were barbaric and crude, designed only to keep women oppressed and silent, they say.  Removing the layers of expectations implicit in the institution of marriage may have “liberated” women, back in the 60s and 70s, but as so many women are discovering now, those “archaic gender-based roles” held more value than they thought.  Otherwise, why are they so unhappy in their marriages . . . when their horrifically-oppressed-by-the-patriarchy ancestors didn’t seem to have those problems?

That is an unfair comparison.  We don’t live in the Agricultural Age, we livein the Post-Industrial Age.  Now we get married because we’re “in love”, and children are a checkbox or a dealbreaker.  Raising a family isn’t social security, it’s a time-consuming and expensive hobby.  Plighting troth isn’t the solemn commitment it was, it’s an excuse to look at silver patterns. 

“Establishing a House” means signing a lease or mortgage, and you aren’t looking to establish a dynasty as much as making a thrifty investment.  All too often, it’s merely the largest asset to divide in the divorce, so even that small claim to dignity as a “house holder” is denied a husband. 

Modern women just don’t respect the term as a title or position – hell, they often mumble it “Hey, Alice, I wanted to introduce you to Barry!  (he’s my husband)”.  Plenty of women want to Be Married, and their ring is one of their most prized possessions.  But far less women want to Have A Husband.  Important distinction.  

In fact, the only people who seem to see husbands in a positive and respectful light these days are gay men. 

If you can re-define what the term means in your head, and shift it away from Al Bundy, Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin and more toward the traditional conception of the Head of Household.  Yeah, I want you to imagine Bob, back in the 1950s, being Head of Household.  It might make the remnants of your feminist soul boil, but back then being a solid, good provider and a Perfectly Decent Beta Dude was something to aspire to, the fulfillment of the American Dream.  I’m not saying you have to go put on an apron and make a pot roast, but start re-conceptualizing husbands, in general, as more than the accessory you get with your wedding ring. 

Now, take a cold, objective look at Bob and see where he falls short of that.  Don’t despair – I told you it would be work.  But you have to know what you’re dealing with before you can deal with it.  Just where would you like to see your husband improve his husbandly performance, and how?  Don’t go all fairy-tale – this is Real Life.  List some concrete, objective performance standards that you believe would give him a lift into the Alpha you crave in him.  If you find his taste in humor disgusting and banal, and it reduces your attraction to him, then list it.  If you hate the way he calls you “babe” all the time, list that.  In fact, list everything that reduces your attraction to him. 

What you’ll end up with will look like a wish-list for your next husband.  And in a way, it is . . . but not the way you think. 

Group your concerns by category, and if you have difficulty doing that, try really hard to break them down to their constituent pieces.  For example, if you think you’d like to see him drive something classier than his old heap, his wardrobe needs a makeover, and it would be really nice to stop dodging creditors all the time, then group all of those under FINANCIAL SECURITY ISSUES.  If you want him to really connect with you emotionally, be able to discuss his feelings, and share the deepest part of his soul with you then put those under EMOTIONAL ISSUES.  If you would like to see him buff up, lose weight, quit smoking, start eating properly, etc. list those under PHYSICAL ISSUES. 

And yes, if his dick is too small, list that.  In code.  Don’t be a bitch about it, but it is a concern.

You get the idea.  Once you have your concerns grouped like that, it’s easier to tackle them comprehensively.  Some, like financial security and physical fitness, will take some time.  Others, like “I hate his cheesy little mustache” can be quickly and easily rectified. 

But here’s the trick: you have to persuade him to deal with his deficits . . . without letting him know that’s what he’s doing.

Don’t get me wrong, if you tell a man you’re sleeping with you want X he’s going to move mountains to get you X, just because most of us are that partial to vaginas.  But if you come right out and say “I really am just not turned on by your passive demeanor and your indecisiveness, please grow some fucking backbone” all you’re going to do is plunge him into a depression, make him withdraw, and/or start a fight.  It’s insulting to hear such direct criticism from a woman, even for a Beta.  Especially for a Beta.  You have to be far more subtle than that.

It’s tricky, and you may have to use some rusty feminine wiles to do so.  It’s a long, involved process, often fraught with mistakes and false steps, but once your hubby starts to realize that Something Is Going On, then you can start to influence how he changes. 

That’s a huge process, and will require a lot more posts and probably a book, before long, but here’s a place to start.  The Boob Test.

One of the big mistakes many future ex-wives make is assuming that your husband knows what you want.  From your perspective, it seems like a no-brainer . . . but if he was seeing things from your perspective, you wouldn’t be here.  The truth is, he doesn’t pick up on more than half of what you say, and he probably is wary of taking anything you say at any particular time seriously, thanks to the feminine nature of examining an issue from many, many different sides before staking out a position. 

Women understand instinctively that another woman has to “try on” her feelings about something before she decides which one she’s firm on – but to dudes, it just looks dangerously indecisive.  Until he’s sure about what you think about something, he’s unlikely to commit because he doesn’t want to end up on the wrong side.  So he sits there with a dumb look on his face and mumbles “Idunnowhateveryouwantbaby” because he’s afraid that if he commits to one of your decisions, he will be judged and ultimately challenged, and that’s just not something he’s comfortable with.  It endangers the pussy supply and the wu of the marriage.

So make your desires clear to him without making him feel like it’s an ultimatum or judgment.  And in doing so, also lay out both your expectations of him, and the potential reward involved in a successful accomplishment.  It could go something as simple as this:

WIFE: “Hon, I’d love to go up to the lake this weekend.  Will you think about it?  If you book a room somewhere by Thursday, that would give me plenty of time to buy something special to wear for you.  Let me know what you decide.”

This was a good Red Pill way of inviting and encouraging your husband to take the initiative: you’ve spelled out your wishes, you’ve invited him to participate, you’ve given him some conditions, and you’ve outlined and hinted at the potential reward.  Now all you have to do is stand back and be amazed.  In fact, that’s part of the deal: you have to extend the invitation to lead, and then let him do it.  Or not.  It has to be his choice – all you can do is let him know what the stakes are.

If he’s smart, he’ll be having hotel sex and you’ll be having exciting interpersonal intimacy by the weekend.

Or, if Bob (or whomever) holds true to form, he’s not going to do anything.  Why?  Because you talk about stuff all the time, and he only half-listens to you anyway because most of what you say doesn’t concern him or things he’s interested in.  He may see your invitation as mere idle talk.

So . . . show him your boobs.

Seriously.  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again.  If you want your husband to really listen and pay attention to you, remove your shirt and bra while you’re speaking.  Then repeat it.  Then ask him to repeat it back to you, until he gets it right.  He might – on purpose – fumble it a few times, just to keep staring at the unobstructed Twins, but he’ll eventually be able to repeat it back to you, verbatim. Then kiss him on the lips, let him cop a feel, and put your clothes back on, while asking, “Now, did what I just did demonstrate how important I felt it was to bring this to your attention?” and walk away before he can answer.

If you’re rolling your eyes, unconvinced that this will jar him out of his betacized lethargy because men couldn’t possibly be that . . . predictable, or if you’re snorting in disgust that I would suggest that you use your body and your sexuality to propose a perfectly normal and sensible suggestion to your husband, who should be listening to you anyway because he's your husband and he loves you, then allow me to dispel some myths about male psychology:

1)      Yes, men (most men, at least) really do react that way to the mere sight, much less physical presence, of naked boobs out of context of a shower or bathroom.  It’s banal, it’s crude, it’s unsophisticated, but it’s also a fundamental element of male sexuality in our culture.  Show us boobs and we listen.  Just ask the Lite Beer and Sports Car industries.

2)      Yes, you should be using your sexuality and your body (despite what you might think about it) to elicit interest and attention from your husband . . . because he didn’t marry you for your resume or your snappy wardrobe or your witty conversation, although any or all of those things could have contributed.  No, he married you because he wanted to fuck you – you, personally – for the rest of his life.  Period.  Kids, house, job, all that is secondary to the fact that he got hitched so that he could bump uglies with you.  A lot.  And if you are, indeed, somewhat disgusted that you would have to “demean” yourself with such an “undignified” display of your private sexuality merely to ensure your husband’s interest in a simple conversation, then you have to admit to yourself that yes, it is your pussy and not your brain he wants to spend time with most.  That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love, honor, and respect you, or that he wouldn’t take a bullet or hide a body for you.  It just means that he’d prefer to fuck you than just about anything else.  And you should make use of that fact, if you want to boot him out of Beta.

I understand that low-desire husbands do exist, and that the naked display of boobs may not be as efficacious in that case.  Still, if you aren’t the type of woman who would ever show her boobs so brazenly, just to get her husband’s attention, the consider the fact that such an act would, indeed, get his attention purely because of its novelty. If you have kept the Twins out of his hands on a regular basis, then suddenly thrusting your boobs in his face is going to be a major shock to his psyche.

And that is precisely what it is designed to do.

It’s not a pancea, but it’s a place to start.  Show him your boobs.  Don't be self-conscious -- he married those boobs, after all.  He sleeps next to them every night.  He likely knows what they look like, every hair, vein, and mole.  He will not, believe it or not, compare them to every other woman's boobs he's seen, because in Dude World the most important rack is the one that's right in front of you.  Don't think he won't go for it because "he's just not that kind of man."  Of course he is -- I know gay men who like to play with boobs.  The man who says he doesn't care for tits in his face is lying or asexual.  If I were you, I'd guess the former.  The truth is, if you gave him license to do so he'd be motorboating your girls on a daily basis.

But he’s also (if he’s Beta) so ridiculously timid and respectful about your body that the sight of your boobs in a strange and unusual context will jar him . . . hopefully toward a more Alpha response.  If you want to reinforce the point, give him three minutes to fondle you however he likes while you talk to him.  He’ll love it.  You’ll have his attention.  And you can reiterate your suggestion, invitation, and reward in a way that will stick out in his mind.

And I bet he’s a little more attentive next time you tell him you want to ask him something.  And a little more Alpha   Hell, it's a place to start . . . and if he doesn't react to your boobs, then you know you have other issues to deal with first.  But I'll lay money on a reaction, just because I'm confident that he enjoys boobs.  More than you think.  Probably more than you're comfortable with.  But his entire life he's been told to "treat women with respect" and "don't objectify their bodies" and other feminist tropes that have managed to make Perfectly Decent Beta Dudes into the indecisive, un-masculine specimens y'all are complaining about.

So show him your boobs while you talk, and see if it has any appreciable effect.  I'm guessing it will signify to his subconscious that there is a game-changing movement afoot in his marriage.  You've released your breasts for his pleasure (and attention) and that is a uniquely masculine form of empowerment.  A woman who shows you her boobs of her own free will (to the male subconscious) likes and respects you as a man (and even if she doesn't, who cares?  Free boob). That's the kind of self-reinforcing confidence-builder that can help begin to Break Beta.

Because once he gets tacit permission from you to actually, y'know, BE A DUDE (and dudes love boobs!) then he's far, far more likely to give up his gynophobic handicap and start thinking of himself not as your husband, a co-equal partner in a planned enterprise whose job it is to act as your emotional and intellectual support, but as your Husband, the man in charge of protecting and defending you, in charge of providing for his family like his ancestors before him, and in charge of giving you, his Wife, righteous boning on a regular basis without a lot of obsequious begging and pleading on his part and disgusted eye-rolling on yours.

It's not a cure-all -- and it might take more than one application.  Most women don't understand the depths of Beta to which most American men have surrendered, nor do they understand how hard it is to Break Beta -- hell, they've been threatened with social punishment their entire liveds for that.

But if you want to get your Perfectly Decent Beta Dude to Alpha Up, he has to stop being afraid of offending your delicate femininity with every word and gesture, and start acting like the Perfectly Exceptional Alpha Dude you want him to be.  Yeah, with your boobs.

And if he tries to cop a cheap feel later . . . let him.  Free boobies are one of the significant reasons he married you in the first place, and if he feels at liberty with your boobs (within reason, of course) then he will start feeling more free to take more risks . . . because your boobs have set him free.

More on this subject – probably a whole book more – is coming.