Male Dominance: A Beginner's Guide

There has been a recent stirring in the Manosphere about the subject of Male Dominance within a relationship, with outstanding contributions to the subject being penned by no less than a laconic Heartiste (Roissy), Badger, and The Private Man all in one day.  I feel encouraged by this, as dominance within your relationship is one of the cornerstone's of Game, both Singe and Married varieties.

But this comment at the Chateaue caught my attention:

Jack@hotmail.comHow about some examples of how to ramp up the dominance? I mean how do you actually dominate?

Well . . . okay.

I'm going to cover a few basics, a kind of Beginner's Guide to Male Dominance, because as the posts above reiterate, even the desire for dominance has been punished in men for the last 40 years even as women have silently begged for it in their failing relationships.  Men, as The Private Man lays out for us, have grown up a lot like this:

1. A man is born into this world and into a female dominated household. His mother is either single or is the dominant adult in the family. 

2. His formative years are spent trying to appease mother and his always-female teachers. Masculine dominance is viewed by a feminized society as dangerous so through propaganda and/or drugs, the young fellow is controlled and forced into non-masculine behaviors and characteristics. There are no strong male figures in his life to balance this. 

3. Puberty hits, he treats the girls around him just as he treated his mother and his female teachers. He subordinates himself to them. There are still no strong male figures in his life to instruct him in the ways of girls. 

4. His adult sexual and romantic life is frustrating, confusing, and completely unfulfilled. Of course, if he discovers the Manosphere, he might learn the truth about women and turn things around. 

With so many guys not understanding that women want to be dominated, is it any wonder why 50 Shades of Gray is currently the most widely read book in the English language?


Oh, sure, the Alphas already know all this shit -- this is their bread and butter.  But for the rest of you, here's a few handy tips about how to be more dominant in your relationship if the taste of the Red Pill is new and strange on your tongue.

1. Be physically dominant.


More than likely, you are taller than the woman you are with.  Women are naturally attracted to taller men - men taller than they are - and height is the absolute #1 thing women find attractive.  "Tall Dark and Handsome" starts with the "tall".  If you are not taller than your woman, then you are going to have a harder time making this pay off.  Not impossible, but certainly more challenging.

But height alone isn't enough -- too many tall Betas have a kind of "Beta slouch" that they develop as they try to make themselves less threatening and intimidating, under the mistaken Blue Pill idea that women are attracted to non-threatening, unintimidating men.  Instead of slouching, stand up straight, as if a string was pulling you up to the sky from the top of your head.  Yes, you won't be as "eye level" and "equal" as your woman . . . and her panties will dampen as a result.  

Next, keep your shoulders back.  Imagine that you are walking in the dark, and you have two headlights on your nipples that have to be prominently displayed in order for you to move around.  That shows off your chest, shoulders, and arms, all good zones for attracting and keeping female attention.  Whatever you do, don't slouch.

Have a hard time figuring out what to do with your hands?  Pick a spot and keep them there.  Put them behind your back ("parade rest") to push out your manly chest.  Put them in your pockets to demonstrate a casual demeanor even as you dominate the room.  But don't use them to talk with.  Quick and jerky hand gesticulations are not dominant.  Slow, deliberate actions are.  And eye contact...there are plenty of blogs that tell you how to handle that, depending on the situation.  

In addition, ensure that you are always being physically dominant in relation to her.  Grab her hand to lead her through a crowd.  Use her elbow to steer her gently at parties.   Put a possessive hand on her arm, her shoulder, or (most Alpha) the back of her neck.   Loom ominously over her shoulder.  But always ensure that it's YOU who is controlling the action.

2. Be verbally dominant.

This is harder than not talking with your hands.  It's mostly not talking.  

Women talk -- the entire Female Social Network is utterly dependent upon communication, and women have a hard time knowing what they feel until they actually tell someone about it.  (I can relate, actually: sometimes I don't know how I feel about something until I write about it.)  And even though you're a dude, you like to talk, too...just about different subjects than she does.  

The problem is that talking too much is too much Beta for most women.  Women don't find a man who talks a lot appealing unless he's brimming with Charisma and knows how to entertain when he speaks.   The reason that the "strong, silent type" creates such a condensation problem in panties is because of the silent, as much as the strong.  Laconic men seem more serious to a woman, and when you think about our prehistoric forebears, there are good reasons for this.  The "strong silent types" would have been superior hunters to the "chatty, whimsical type", and therefore better providers.

But it goes beyond this.  When men associate together, their patterns of socialization and speech are very different from when there is a woman present, and even in mixed company their verbal patterns tend to be different than women.  With a female audience the men are all subconsciously competing for attention and interest, and are therefore interested in Demonstrating High Value whether they realize it or not.  

Since women respond better to men who are well-respected, and therefore highly positioned within the Male Social Matrix, then a good DHV is...being a man of few, well-chosen words.  The "talkative" guy in the group is almost always on the lower side of the Male Social Matrix, whereas the AMOG tends to be the one who commands respect and deference without speaking too much. 

But when you do talk, how you talk is very important.  

First, wait a moment before speaking -- don't interrupt, that's rude in the MSM (although it's a perfectly acceptable dominance skill in the FSM).  Pausing a moment before you speak not only makes you look thoughtful and deliberate, it ensures that the other person (say, your wife) is done speaking.  Looking thoughtful and deliberate is Alpha.  Looking insistent and argumentative is Beta.  

Second, save interruptions of your wife's speaking only for situations when it is important for you to establish dominance.  Let her have her say, and then make quite certain that she's done speaking...unless what she's saying is a direct Shit Test, Hamsterbation, attack on your masculinity or other feminine wile.  Then it's acceptable to interrupt her.  Since she understands at a basic level that interrupting is acceptable for women but not men, the fact that you are doing it is a message in itself: I feel strongly enough about this to violate my own gender's customs and express my dominance over your train of thought.

Third, maintain eye contact with her while you speak and while she speaks, and don't let your gaze shift about aimlessly.  That's a very intimidating move, one that is pure Alpha.  It should make her uncomfortable enough so that she starts dropping her gaze automatically.  (Mrs. Ironwood likes long car trips for just that reason -- she can discuss just about any aspect of our relationship without being subjected to the Eyes, since we're sitting side by side and someone is driving.)  

Fourth, speak slowly and quietly, so she has to lean in to hear you clearly.  Keep your tone even, especially if the emotional content of the conversation has gotten too high.  That establishes that you are In Control, not acting out of emotion but out of reason, and it puts your words in sharp contrast to her increasingly shrill tone in the case of an argument.  It has been noted elsewhere how speaking quietly to a woman but using harsh words and even profanity if warranted is a strong Alpha move, while whining, interrupting, and raising your tone over hers unecessarily is pure Beta.

Fifth, be thoughtful of your word choice when speaking.  Make sure to take the Alpha lead in speech by saying what you will do, and then inviting her along -- not proposing a potential course of mutual action.  

It's not "I dunno, where do you want to eat?", it's "I'm hungry for Mexican.  Unless you object strenuously, let's eat at El Diablo's."  

It's not "Can I bring you a cup of coffee?" it's "I'm getting a cup of coffee, you want to come along?"

It's not "do you think we should paint the hallway this weekend?" it's "I'm going to paint the hallway this weekend.  Stop by the paint store on your way home and pick out the color you want.  Interior paint, water-based not oil based, and call me if you have any questions."

It's not "So...do you want to have sex tonight?" it's "I'm hornier than a three-balled tomcat...figure out which position you want to start off in and I'll get a running start on the foreplay."


See?  You lead with your words.  You don't ask permission, except in very specific circumstances.  You tell her what you are doing, and then leave the decision to follow up to her.  If she objects you can discuss it, but not having a plan, or leaving the planning to her, or being weak-willed in how you execute your plan, or even indecisive as you speak to her about your plan, all of that is Beta.  Knowing what you are going to do and then communicating that clearly to her is Alpha.

3. Be socially dominant.

Men often forget that women see everything in terms of the Matrix -- we're so focused on our individual achievement that we often overlook opportunities for displaying dominance in social situations.  But when she sees you in charge of a big non-profit event, or focused on getting the Cub Scout parade float organized, or being honored by your church for your outreach activities, or seeing you boss around the volunteers at this year's PTA auction, she gets a big shot of Happy Panties, because she reaps the benefits of your social dominance.  Since she most likely doesn't see you at work, where you may or may not be able to demonstrate your dominance, your role in the community can play a big part in her up-rating your Sex Rank in her subconscious.  

If you want to be dominant, then you have to assert that dominance everywhere, not just at home.  If doing so at work is difficult or impossible, then community organizations are the next best thing.  

Plus, this gives you a great opportunity to display Social Proof and attract a little Preselective attention.  A couple of horny divorcees on the Decorating Committee overheard talking about how they wouldn't mind stealing you away if your wife isn't careful isn't going to hurt, either.  Be charming, be lightly flirtatious, Game the hell out of them...but do it in a way that establishes your dominance over them in front of your wife.



4. Be visibly dominant.

This goes beyond your mannerisms and the amount of space you take up -- this has to do with your wardrobe and presentation.  When you slob out for no better reason than you don't have any reason to dress up, you're coming across as pure Beta to her.  When you make an effort - even when she's the only one you're going to impress - that's Alpha.  That means paying attention to your facial hair, haircut, nails, shoes, belt, clothes, and accessories.

It also means walking out front.  If you want to be seen as a leader...LEAD, for real.  Walk slightly in front of her in most situations, offering your arm if appropriate (exception: at a restaurant when you are being led to the table by a hostess, it's proper to let your wife lead.  At seat-yourself restaurants, you should lead).  

If you're in a group, be toward the front of the group, not the rear.  If you are in a casual cluster of other people then take a prominent position within the group where everyone can see you.  And then quit worrying that everyone can see you.  If your fly is down, let them assume that the Tiger is just too wild to keep in the cage, or something like that, and move on.  Alphas don't fret.

5. Be situationally dominant.

Nothing can blow your accumulated Alpha street-cred with your bride like the dumb look on your face when you are confronted with a problem you can't handle.  The opportunity to demonstrate your high value through a display of your competence in handling a challenging situation is high Alpha.

Of course no one is skilled and knowledgeable in everything, but if you have a specialty, then don't be afraid to assert your dominance through your knowledge and expertise.  The classic example of this of course is bribing the host or hostess of a restaurant to get a better table.  Of course this classic example has been lampooned so many times over the years I don't really encourage this unless you know what the hell you're doing.

An example: my brother Andy Ironwood never goes anywhere without a screwdriver in his pocket.  The number of times that something mechanical has come up suddenly and unexpectedly, and he's whipped out that screwdriver and used it to great effect, establishes him as Alpha when it comes to his competence and preparedness.  He is displaying situational dominance.

Another: A friend of mine was recently stuck at an airport on the other side of the country with his wife when their flight got cancelled.  He stepped up and took control of the situation and handled it without troubling his wife or inviting her participation in the decision making process.  Instead of standing there, a leaf on the winds of fate, he took command of the situation and established himself as Alpha by whipping out his credit card, making a few calls, and handling it.  I'm hoping he got righteously laid for his situational dominance.

 Another classic: changing a flat tire.  Nothing dries panties more than you looking helpless in the face of a flat.  Mrs. Ironwood and I were once on our way to a wedding, dressed formally, when we had a blowout.  Thankfully, I was a Boy Scout and was prepared for the situation.  I got out of the car, removed the tire-changing stuff from the trunk, and changed the tire so quickly that Mrs. I didn't even realize it (she was still on hold with AAA) until I put the car into gear and drove.  Elapsed time: 7 minutes.  Not quite NASCAR standards, but considering I was in a suit and it was raining, that doesn't suck (and righteously laying occurred as a result).

Being situationally dominant often requires you to think ahead and prepare for adversity and unknown challenges.  My personal symbol of the importance of being situationally dominant is the pocket knife and LED flashlight I carry around all the time.  It's not a screwdriver, but when something needs cuttin', whipping out a knife and hacking at it is Alpha.  Asking another dude if they have a knife is Beta.  Being able to see under the couch to establish the location of a precious child's toy is Alpha.  Feeling around blindly and finally having to move the couch because you couldn't see is also Alpha (unless you are physically unable to move the couch, then it's Beta), but it's not nearly as Alpha as successfully retrieving the toy.

6. Be sexually dominant.

This is a hard one for most men new to the Red Pill, because they've been trained over the years to shy away from sexual dominance in a relationship (in a one-night-stand they're more willing to try).  But establishing your dominance in the bedroom is vital.  We're not talking whips-and-chains, BDSM stuff here (unless that's already part of your sex life), we're talking about how you approach initiating and having sex.  And this is where shit gets real.

The key to the Red Pill is dominance, and the metric used to gauge success is sexual.  Working on your Alpha all week and then going Beta in the boudoirs is what the experts call "failing to close", and it kills all your other Alpha stock.   So don't fail to close.  If you have created sufficient opportunity, and you have laid the Alpha groundwork, she should be willing to fall back with her legs spread at the slightest push.  If she doesn't, and there isn't a compelling medical reason, you have a problem.

You see, as is becoming widely known in the Manosphere, female sexuality is responsive in nature.  If you give out all the right Alpha displays and then make an aggressive close and she still fails to respond eagerly, there is something else going on, something you need to discover.  It might just be a shit test, it might be a lack of interest, it might be a raging yeast infection...but part of being sexually dominant is not going to sleep sexually frustrated without a damn good reason.  

That doesn't mean you need to demand sex.  That's domineering, not dominant.  If you have to demand, you've already lost.

But it does mean that you clearly state and restate the expectation of sex to your wife, so that there is no chance of "missed communications" or "mixed signals".  A simple kiss and "I can't wait to get into your pants tonight!" in the morning sets the stage.  A text message at noon saying "Thinking about you...and your ladyparts" reaffirms it.  Saying "I love you -- and tonight I'll love you until you can't walk straight" during your afternoon phone call clubs the message over the head and drags it back to its cave.  And putting "Pleasure Husband 9:30-11:00 pm" on her Google calendar gives her no room for misunderstanding.  

Just make sure it's not the calendar her co-workers have access to.  Don't ask why, but let me assure you that can be awkward.

And once you do get her there...screw her hard.  One of the best pieces of advice from Roissy's essential 16 Commandments of Poon is Fuck Her Good.  A less-than-stellar performance in the bedroom is going to undermine everything else Alpha you've done.  It doesn't even matter as much that she achieves orgasm, as long as you're wildly enthusiastic about the fact that you are having sex with her.  (Note "with her").  Call her name a few times, use some rough language, pull some hair, don't be afraid to manhandle her a little, but demonstrate to her that you are erotically and aggressively invested in the act, and she'll love it.  Going Conan on her ass is pure Alpha.

So is being able to go the distance.  If she doesn't cum, for whatever reason, then the proper response post-coitus is "let's make out for ten minutes, and then I'm going to back over it until you're happy.  Really happy.  Like, 'ohmygod, why are you limping so badly and smiling so brightly?' happy."  THAT'S hardcore Alpha.


There you go, a Beginner's Guide to male dominance in a relationship.  Some of these things might not work for you, but some of them will.  They can't help but work, as long as your woman isn't Batshit Crazy or has an artificially depressed libido.  But you have to do the work and really commit to accepting your own dominance.  

Remember: if she has to ask you to lead, you've already lost.   You don't need her permission to lead, you need her acceptance of your leadership.  And as long as you are utterly unambiguous about your expectations, she should be utterly happy to submit to it.


Comments have been closed on this posting.  If you have questions, feel free to email the author at ian.ironwood@gmail.com.  Thank you for reading.