Okay, I know Athol and I and a whole bunch of other Manosphere guys are hardcore geeks and nerds (there is a difference, but only a geek would know it and only a nerd would argue about it). That's off-putting to some folks who don't "get" sci-fi and think it's all a bunch of ray guns and rocket ships. The fact is, the reason a lot of us geek out about sci-fi and comics and such is that they present more elegant and useful metaphors for the realities of our post-industrial existence. "Using the Force", for instance, when you are closing your eyes driving through traffic on the interstate, or "entering the Neutral Zone" when undertaking activity of dubious legality. The fact is, we use sci-fi metaphors because they are apt and elegant and they are a common point of reference for many of us who didn't do a lot of dating in High School.
That being said as preface, we come to the topic of today's post, the proper way to give your wife chocolate.
Mrs. Ironwood and I have been eagerly enjoying The Big Bang Theory, not only for it's witty nerdicissms but also for it's portrayal of a gang of misfit Betas, Sigmas, Deltas and Omegas attempt to overcome their terminal geekatude and find babes. When one actually does, his roommate Sheldon, an anal-retentive OCD genius theoretical physicist, has a hard time dealing with her feminine idiosyncracies. Instead of pitching a hissy fit, he handles the situation with masculine cunning. Observe:
(Crap, they disabled embedding, the bastards.)
I'll wait a moment while you first go watch this clip . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qy_mIEnnlF4
. . . and then this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWyZHSZf3TM
Back yet?
When Mrs. Ironwood and I first watched this, we laughed so hard we almost peed.
And after that it became an inside joke. I started carrying around a small bag of candy (Hershey's drops, but any kind of small, easily portable chocolate candy will do) and whenever she did something I approved of, say, initiate sex, talk dirty, or verbally offer me respect for what I do, or some such, I'd whip out the bag and say "Chocolate?" and she'd laugh. I'd laugh. Funny.
But I kept doing it. After a while, it stopped being funny in one way, and started being funny in another as she acknowledged my conscious attempts to take control of the relationship and modify her behavior. Whenever I suddenly offered her a chocolate, it was a tangible and concrete sign of my approval, and a tacit rejection of the behavior she avoided. In other words, it made her unconscious behaviors I disliked conscious, calling her out and holding her accountable, while rewarding her for her efforts to counter them -- even if they were accidental. I tried to never do it ironically, always supportively. And after a while, I didn't even need the chocolate. I could just pantomime handing her one and asking, and she'd get the point.
Once again, little subtle, subtextual rituals can communicate volumes in a marriage. I'm not trying to demean my wife, belittle her or insult her intelligence. But I am making a point of letting her know that I am observing her behavior and such little things do not escape my notice or my memory (as she once thought they did). And lastly I am making the point that I would much rather lovingly offer her chocolate for good behavior than, say, get into an argument over negative behavior.
Yeah, I can use it to be an asshole sometimes. But she forgives me. Hey, I give her chocolate. What's she going to say?
Great post. (Have a chocolate!)
ReplyDeleteThis is such a fundamental truth that guys simply don't get. We all train people to treat us a certain way. You have to do this consciously.
What do you use for a woman who doesn't care for sweets? ;)
ReplyDeleteThose clips were hilarious. As your post shows, Game works even if the woman knows what you're doing, just like a cake tastes the same whether or not you know the recipe (to use a simile even women will understand).
I know when I'm being gamed but it's still fun and I get mine in too (it'd be no fun for him if I was too easy to dominate). Women who are afraid of Game are cutting off their noses to spite their faces.
That is really awesome! My wife is perpetually dieting and choco is a no no. I'll have to find some other sweet treat to get her with.
ReplyDeleteEven something silly like the gold stars they used to give out in school would be effective. It's a like an instant "approve o meter" on her behavior.
@Standup
ReplyDeleteForget the gold stars. Use the Hogwarts system. Go to the dollar store and get a cheap but elegant wine glass and a bag of decorative colored stones. For each milestone attained, throw a stone in the glass. It's a visible, tangible reminder of both her goal and her progress. When she gets to a predetermined number, establish what the celebration will be and follow-through. I do this for my kids and it works great.
Hello Candice here - Billy and I watch Big Bang all the time. It's a show which reflects us and our friends ... as we were in the 70s and 80s.
ReplyDeleteANYWAY .. I think most people fail to realise their behaviours/reactions are always reinforcing or extinguishing the behaviours of other people or pets. Extend this further and consider your reaction when someone throws a tantrum and you give them what they want and so on. Over a long time this can be highly beneficial or very damaging to the relationship and the people involved. (I've lived long enough to observe this in person to a high degree)
The value of the technique obviously lies in enabling clear and supportive communication between the parties. We'd prefer very open communication without the tricks ... but I may recommend this to Clarissa who has an older, emotional and very crusty husband to manage....
Thank you :-) C
Excellent. I'm going to try to implement this. I've already been consciously using verbal approval to reward good behavior but some chocolates might work nicely as well. It will be good to mix it up in any case.
ReplyDelete