Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Wife Test: Intelligent Women Pick Winners. "Smart Women" Mutiny or Abandon Ship

Dr. Helen takes a bit of issue with the popular meme that "men don't like smart women" by pointing out that there are guys who do, in fact, like smart women.  I'm one of them.

In fact, I'll go further and state that intelligence was one of my top 3 selection criteria for my personal wife search.  I overlooked a lot of potential issues in Mrs. Ironwood's vetting due to her magnificently huge brain.  Intelligence is one of those traits that can be conserved or squandered, genetically speaking, and ensuring that the future mother of my children was super-smart AND capable of sustaining an academically nurturing environment for our young was of paramount importance.

That's a key point: there are plenty of smart women out there.  There are even plenty of attractive, smart women out there.  But when a woman has focused her energies exclusively on her career achievements, she has begun to select herself out of the reproductive process with any reasonably intelligent man. It's not a matter of being "intimidated by smart women", it's a simple cost/benefit analysis.  Perhaps one you ladies are not considering. .

From a man's perspective - particularly a man who is consciously searching for a hetero life partner ("wife") - when sizing up a potential bride he should (and often does) balance her intelligence against her achievement in making the crucial "potential/no potential" for commitment decision.

(You see ladies, while you can decide whether or not you would sleep with any given man in the first 30 seconds you meet him, we're looking at every woman out there when we're single with the "could I live with her forever?" decision.  And yeah, mostly y'all fail.)

When a man is evaluating a woman for mating potential, if she has demonstrated more devotion to her career goals than her personal goals, she is a poor matrimonial risk regardless of her intelligence.  If she has a proven predilection for adding a man into her life as an afterthought or corporate fashion accessory, then yeah, don't marry her.  Screw her, sure.  But after six weeks you'll quickly realize that no matter how bountiful the sex is, she's never, ever going to put you on the same level as her career.

A lot of dudes make the mistake of thinking that will change, once she's in a relationship - and to be fair, sometimes it does.  Mrs. I didn't look like a great candidate for Mom in some ways, but I was confident that she would and I was vindicated.  When the feces hit the fan she quit her job and focused on her family, not the other way around.  She took a lot of heat from that from her feminist-oriented friends, but she's stood resolute in the face of her criticism.

Most recently she had to defend me to her BFF and her sister when they both tried to crab-basket her (both women adore me, but when a woman is in trouble the VERY FIRST thing that her Grooming Circle will attack is her man, regardless of the situation) by demanding to know why, in the face of our challenges, she hadn't essentially assumed control of the relationship and saved everything?  If the family was in trouble, then clearly I wasn't doing my job.  She was too smart to let such disaster happen to her -- she deserved better. Therefore she should consider either a mutiny or abandoning ship.

Because that's what "smart women" do.  They get divorced when they aren't happy.  While they weren't going as far as saying that she should reconsider her marriage, they were following the natural Matrix pattern of Blaming The Male and Encouraging Her To Seize Control.  It didn't matter that I just essentially pulled Christmas out of my ass and kept us out of serious debt by writing my ass off while being a spectacular husband and father, what mattered was that their sister in their Grooming Circle was troubled, and they were trying to "help".  And when women in the Matrix try to "help", there is almost always at least one hidden agenda.

But they were genuinely concerned, I have no doubt.  Mrs. I has left a stable career path and has essentially made herself utterly financially dependent upon me for the near future, and the fact that she was thus dependent but didn't have absolute control over the entire situation disturbed them at a molecular level.  "Smart women" always have absolute control.  That's how you know they're smart. A woman not in absolute control of the relationship is clearly not doing the "smart" thing.  Usually, that's where doubt will creep into an insecure wife's heart.  Instead . . .

Mrs. Ironwood let them have it.

She told them that in a true partnership and a functional (Red Pill) marriage (which neither had experience with - one of them was divorced three times, the other has yet to marry) a good wife didn't try to grab the wheel out of her husband's hands while he was trying to steer through a reef, in so many words.  I had proven my value and worth by Getting Shit Done when it mattered.  I'd passed my test with flying colors, and as I made virtually all of the money now, yes, she was more than willing to "let me" decide how it got spent.  She said it far more nicely than that, and after topping it with an impassioned review of the ways in which I had Got Shit Done in the last year, she told them that she was smart enough to know when she'd picked a winner.

Of course they took issue with that.  "Smart women" don't let themselves fall to the mercy of their husbands.  They're always ready to cut and run and find greener pastures.  Her unwillingness to even consider that perhaps the problem might be me was an affront to the Matrix.  Even though they were properly castigated by Mrs. I, they still felt that she was, somehow, betraying herself and her family by not grabbing the wheel out of my hand. They were even willing to help her "convince" me that I should really let her make policy and control the situation.

Mrs. Ironwood stood firm, unlike the majority of women out there who are all-too-happy to hear from their Grooming Circles why they should ditch their men and find a better deal.  She wasn't about to let her two closest friends "convince" her that she should really take over for the good of the family.  She demonstrated true intelligence - the kind I married her for - by resisting the urge to listen to her personal Matrix when they told her something that was clearly against her best interest.  She was intelligent enough to pick a winner.  Most women aren't.

But then again, she's exceptional.  That's why I married her.

If you single ladies want to be considered exceptional too, then stop leading with your resume.  A woman proud of her position and achievement over her ability to create a positive family life has "future ex-wife" written all over her.  Sure, your job gives you security and shows that you aren't afraid of work or are looking for a sugar daddy, but we're not going to be impressed by it, in general.  It's not a matter of intimidation, it's a matter of knowing that the woman you're seeing just isn't going to have time enough for you and a relationship, much less a family.

And if you're married and want your husband to keep a firm hand on the wheel, stop trying to rip it out from his fingers.  Yes, he may hit a reef.  Reefs happen.  If he does, a "smart woman" often heads for the lifeboats prematurely, only to discover a decade later (when he's remarried and doing breathtakingly, spectacularly well with his new, younger wife) that they ditched a perfectly good -- perhaps even exceptional -- boat in mid-voyage.  But a truly intelligent woman will understand that she picked a winner and stick with him, and help him fix the damn boat.

And they don't give diplomas for that.


  1. My ex-wife is seeing that last paragraph unfold before her now. Sucks to be her.

    Problem is, she is STILL listening to her never-married, extremely post-wall confidant who undoubtedly encouraged her toward those mythical "greener pastures" in the first place.

  2. Be a truly intelligent woman will understand that she picked a winner and stick with him, and help him fix the damn boat.

    And they don't give diplomas for that.

    Man, you hit one OUT of the park here!

  3. Mine took off with my business partner who had other interests, a family golf course. She was focused on his money, then him, then her career, and then mayber her children. 16 years on, I am that millionaire, her guy threw her to the curb 3 days before common law vesting, and she is now stuck with a nice guy, but that is all he is. Oh, I do love my motorcycle, boats and very nice truck. And the investments just keep on adding up. She has to wait for her inheritance to make a move, but that is still a long way off, and she has to share it. My ship has gold toilets, hers are compost heaps.

  4. That's a question that goes through my mind, as a still single man, a few months into a new relationship. It's always no. I could not live with this woman for even a month. I try to keep it going but, it's never turned out worth it.

  5. This is an interesting counterpoint to RPW's recent post dealing with a similar situation with her husband:

  6. This is the problem with trying to apply Athol Kay's captain/first officer model. Most women have been led to believe "first officer = shithouse coolie" and so the model they aspire to is "captain/mutineer" or "captain/hijacker".

  7. Whoooo-eeee. It is pretty terrifying letting go of the reigns, especially when things aren't going well. That vulnerability, though, is so important to maintaining connection.Doesn't make it any less scary. There will definitely be a fair amount of husband vetting on my part, too.

    Do you think vulnerability (not weakness, that's different) makes a woman attractive? Or is it irrelevant in terms of attraction, and only considered after a man has decided to initiate the wife-vetting process?

    1. An excellent question. Yes, vulnerability is sexy, weakness is not. The difference is subtle but important: being vulnerable means being able to admit to your partner that you are capable - and perhaps in danger - of being hurt. Weakness is admitting - and perhaps committing to - the idea that you are powerless against being hurt. Vulnerability is sexy. Weakness is despised. A man who is down can admit that he's hurting and scared without being weak. A man who insists that it's not his fault that he can't find a job, because it's the economy, the government, the (insert ethnic/cultural group here) who are keeping him down . . . that's weakness.

      Owning your shit but admitting being scared: sexy.
      Blaming your shit on everything else and refusing to work to improve your situation:weak and non-sexy.

      Like I said, good question.

  8. OUTSTANDING! Big round of applause! My experience in your awesome words!

  9. "It's not a matter of intimidation, it's a matter of knowing that the woman you're seeing just isn't going to have time enough for you and a relationship, much less a family." --> This might a problem to some, but are you sure that men in their 30s aren't stressed over the prospect that they have to take care of everything? Is it morally right for a female to expect someone else to take responsibility? I know some cases where the male has dumped a girlfriend partly because she had these expectations. Abandoning career is quite unnecessary in this light. I honestly think it's not a that big of an issue for men anymore. And in many cases, activities outside home guarantee peace at home.

    "And if you're married and want your husband to keep a firm hand on the wheel, stop trying to rip it out from his fingers."--> Surprisingly, I get what you're saying. If one has married a traditionalist, then I understand why it is confusing if the wife suddenly transforms into controlling and nagging monster. From a female perspective, that's just classic. That's not modern phenomenon, I bet that just is the way it often is and has been. My perceptions have no scientific validity, but here we go: Women who appreciate traditions (e.g. man is the head of the family) are often good organizers, they keep things going, but they also have a higher tendency to be control freaks. I mean strong people often have strong ideals either pro career or pro family, but most of time that is just talk, and does not change core personality and personal habits.

    My guess is that "red pill" female species will remain rare, because it hasn't ever existed apart from dreams. Admittedly, few have realized their dream.

    At its core:

    "Had a sweet little girl, I lose my baby, boy ain't that bad
    You can't spend what you ain't got,
    You can't lose some little girl you ain't never had"

    High achieving males often prefer bossy women, because they get a kick out dating them. It's part of the game. No matter what people say in the midst of bitter divorce.

    To be honest, I hate dealing with most alpha females and males in real life. Control freaks & overly detail oriented/demanding people - features which I often connect with alphas. Not always but often. Dealing with them is draining and pain in the ass. Betas should rule the world, but we don't get round to it;) I like my life easy. Would you have considered Steve Jobs alpha? If yes, then that's a case in point.

    1. I would like to offer the observation that it is very easy to slip into what one could call a controlling and nagging woman if the confidence has been breached one too many times. Case in point -- husband takes care of all finances. Four years into marriage, wife is seven months' pregnant and has a two year old and a one year old, suddenly gets phone call from collection agency regarding bill from the two year old's birth which was never paid. She kept asking her husband for the insurance card at that time, he said he would take care of it, so she dropped the issue and left it up to him. Now it is coming back to haunt her. Apparently there was no insurance.

      Wife later discovers, in the midst of calls from collection agency, that there is a $5,000 unpaid Visa bill. She had absolutely no idea. In addition, husband, who has had a slight drinking problem in the past, and wife has always felt guilty about it, assuming his drinking was her fault, has continued drinking.

      Wife finally takes matters into her own hands, paying all the bills, takes part time job, finally gets angry that husband drinks and gets quite angry when any alcohol comes into the house. She starts to get visibly agitated when she sees beer or wine in the house. Husband accuses her of nagging and often swears. He accuses her of ripping him off when he sees checks being written and bills paid. She arranges payment plan on her own after baby's birth, after going through insurance policy with fine-tooth comb to get it down to the last dollar. Husband insists she is robbing him blind. Every effort on her part to explain the details of their medical insurance goes unnoticed on his part.

      Bills are there; wife juggles, sells some of her own valuables to make possible a course husband is taking without accruing unnecessary debt. Wife learns through several painful experiences that when husband sees a bill he decides to nag her to death about how she is driving him to the poorhouse. Wife decides she has enough stress on her plate without listening to him, so she just files all bills and pays them all before he sees them. This enrages him. She says she will not discuss the bills with him unless a third party is present and he starts going to A.A. or any counseling of his choice.

      Long comment, and I'm sorry. But there are some "nagging, bossy" women out there who started out quite the opposite determined to make their marriages a success. They had to come between their families and ruin.

      Posting anonymously because I wish to protect my identity.

    2. Thus proving that proper mate selection and vetting BEFORE a commitment is essential to long-term happiness.

  10. Hey, just wanted to drop you a quick note to let you know that you are a fucking asshole! Hate everything you stand for! Go fuck a hornets' nest.

    1. Awww . . . someone didn't pick a winner. Don't worry, Cupcake, I'm sure The One will appear shortly . . . because you DESERVE it.

  11. We're okay with smart women. We just don't like rebellious harridans.

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