Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Of Feminism and Femininity: A Brief History

One of the comments that popped up in my triumphant return take-down of Amanda Marcotte (who loves ya, babe?) was from a young woman upset with my tone. To whit,

While I agree your ideals, I can't keep reading your work. The caustic tone and phrasing of things as absolutes that works wonders in inciting men (presumably your intention) pushes me into a spiral of frustration hopelessness every time I read it (presumably not your intention).

I do feel compelled to answer this, here, because I don't purposefully try to alienate anyone, particularly my female readers.  But I do understand that my tone seems caustic, and borderline misogynistic, as I address the larger male audience for whom this blog was originally intended. 

It might seem a contradiction, that I advocate tirelessly for men and their interests, and yet want to advise women on the same subject.  But please understand that they are two sides of the same coin, and that not every post is going to be targeted toward every segment of my audience. 

The frustration you feel is real, of course.  It's real because women today are being forced by circumstance into a really, really bad situation, and the realities of that situation just aren't.  Yes, there is plenty of shadenfreude over here about the continuing antics of feminism, as well as some genuine militancy about the issues of men's human rights, but in the spirit of the forthcoming International Men's Issues Conference topic of building bridges between men and women, allow me to pour some objective foundations for your consideration.

(Trigger Warning: Mansplaining Ahead. Proceed With Caution)

Today's women are kinda screwed, partially by circumstance, partially by their own history as an identity movement (feminism, of course, but not feminism exclusively). I don't need to do yet-another tear-down of what's wrong with feminism, here, but even if you don't identify as a feminist you, as a woman, are affected by the feminist movement who includes you in their crusade whether you want it or not.  

More, our society as a whole has been affected by feminism, particularly how women see themselves in the world. The struggle for Women's Rights and the adjustment our civilization has been making since the early 1900s, from an agrarian to a post-industrial economy, has broken some serious new ground in terms of humanity's capacity to deal with the change.

Industrialization changed everything, including femininity.  It went through the same kind of transformation of self-identity and adaptation that masculinity did when the labor standard went from the day-farm laborer to the industrial factory worker.  That might seem a subtle thing, but industrialization changed the nature of our mating patterns, our reproductive patterns (smaller, more nuclear families as opposed to extended families) and, ultimately, encouraged the functional shattering of the "traditional" family into its current scattered shards.

For femininity, the change involved re-imagining the gendered role of "Woman" from farmwife and matriarch of a large family, effectively co-managing an agrarian estate or business, to fellow laborer-for-wages outside of the home.  The economic transition was profoundly transformative to the concepts of femininity in our culture, and with each succeeding generation the revolutionary impact of such factors as the Birth Control Pill, Liberalized Divorce, increased mobility, and other changes in society made the situation even worse.  

The cornerstone to this identity-crisis in femininity is caused, in part, by the confusing nature of the social signals she's getting.  Part of the evolved purpose of this blog is to help a young woman untangle that confusion by pointing out pragmatic, objective things that she can leverage into a better understanding of her own goals and how to achieve them, among other things.  It's not to make you feel wretched.

But that's part of the general Manosphere criticism of female society, that women do not - in general - want to face the unpleasant realities of the situation unless they are forced to.  And part of OUR great frustration is seeing young women equivocate and avoid those realities after generations of defiant declarations that they can, indeed, handle (formerly masculine-oriented) adult levels of responsibility.  Most men don't have the patience or interest in trying to explain our perspectives (which, as you've admitted, you've found helpful, even if they hurt your feelings) to the extant that I do, but I have a daughter and I dread the realities that she will have to face.

But back to the Industrial Revolution, because that's where this gets kinky.  Femininity, as it was popularly understood, still clung socially to the traditional Agricultural ideals that had served it so well for thousands of years, even if the application of that femininity was changing.  Before WW I, during the days of the High Patriarchy, a lot of the perfectly legitimate gripes about female oppression and inequality were utterly valid.

Imagine the ancient Hellenic goddesses Hestia and Ceres reigning over Femininity - the aggregate self-image of women in general - during that time.  A woman's self-worth (according to advertisements and documents from the period) was largely tied into quasi-mystical ideas about Hearth and Home, Abundance and Prosperity . . . along with the hard work every farm wife was expected to do.  That was in addition to her sacred reproductive responsibilities.  "Hearth & Home" was the gold standard for Femininity for thousands of years. 

But with the change in industrialization and demographics, the laws and social structure were forced to change as well.  First WW I, then the excesses of the 1920s, then the Great Depression all took their turns with Femininity.  And eventually the goddess Athena took over guidance, after Pear Harbor.  It was time for Women to see themselves as more than just tenders of hearth and home.  Their hard work and ingenuity was needed first to dig themselves out of the Great Depression and then even more for the War effort. Femininity, at that time, defined itself as "Woman As Determined Warrior".

When you examine advertisements and commercial art from this time period (see my archives for ample examples) what you see is a focus on femininity as an essential part of the war-time economy.  With the shortage of men in play, due to either economics or conscription, the reflected focus of femininity was in its strength, it's determination, it's power to endure hard times - all noble characteristics intrinsically attached to the feminine self-perception.  

But this Depression and War-time femininity also expresses a deep longing for better times . . . not as factory workers or secretaries, but as wives of well-employed husbands.  Rosie the Riveter might have wanted to sling steel to beat the Jerries and the Japs, but she wasn't doing it out of a sense of feminine empowerment, she was doing it to further her long-term reproductive goals.  As soon as the War was over, she planned on getting married and having an ass-load of kids, because that was her reward for sacrificing her best reproductive years for the good of her nation.  A heroic husband with a good job and ass-load of kids.  Your grandparents.

After the social crises of the Great Depression and WWII, during which the normal cycles of mating were suspended due to economics and war, the definition of femininity settled back down a bit, as a generation of pent-up social desire to reproduce was manifested in the great Post War economic boom. The strength, determination, and endurance implicit in femininity was replaced with a much more light-hearted and romantic ideal.  American women had put off their reproductive futures for four years or longer, thanks to the war, and for them a defining characteristic of femininity, outside of marriage, was motherhood.

Yes, that same icky, evil, oppressive Motherhood that the feminists revolted against.

Femininity indulged in an explosive outpouring of pent-up maternal longing, after WWII.  So many young men hadn't returned from the war, or did so with war brides, and so many women had been forced to endure a essential halt to their reproductive plans, even though their bodies were screaming to make babies.  It's as if Athena, goddess of war and determination, laid aside her spear and (after a brief but intense reign by Aphrodite, as the frustrated desires of the Western World were allowed to play out in millions of hasty weddings) let Hera, Goddess of Motherhood, take over.  

For a generation Hera shaped femininity into a baby-making machine.  Maternal sensibilities and domesticity replaced feminine allure as the defining character of 1950s Femininity. With post-War prosperity, a return of the man supply, and ample government subsidies, the Greatest Generation proved their worth by making a whole lot of babies. The Boomers.

The backlash to this was that the mad cultural expectation to fill the longing for rugrats after the war caught up a lot of women who weren't necessarily inclined to get married and have kids.  That wasn't unprecedented - about 20% of women in advanced preindustrial societies don't marry or reproduce, and society has always had an economic role for these women, usually as childcare, nursing, teaching, or other professions.  In fact, the Depression and the War saw these women attain sudden prosperity by virtue of their badly-needed professional skills.  

They suddenly became leaders of whole legions of former farmgirls whose marriage prospects had enlisted and who wanted to help out and make a little cash for their future.  A future replete with the things they had been denied by the Great Depression: healthy babies, clean, well-built homes, husbands with good jobs that could provide a wage that could elevate them economically.  By the 1940s, with the need to draft women into the workforce as part of the pursuit of Total War, the capabilities of women to handle traditionally male responsibilities had broken that wide open.  Little girls could grow up, go to college, and become doctors, lawyers, reporters, or technicians.  Before they got married.

In the 1960s, a generation later, there was a revolt against the social pressure to either be mommies or professional spinsters, largely revolving around the near-universal idea of "patriarchal" early marriage.  Femininity was once-again in crisis, this time not from a lack of reproductive prospects, but from a lack of coherent self-identity in the face of a multitude of choices.  This is where the real birth of the modern feminist movement began, with the Feminine Mystique, as a popular reaction to the cultural expectations of the Greatest Generation that had been built up for the purposes of winning a war.

The culprit for this identity crisis was, unsurprisingly, the institution of Marriage.  Marriage became increasingly unpopular because the former agrarian-based, patriarchal post-War nuclear family had devolved into the suburban, dual-income family in a culture of infidelity, contraception and liberalized divorce laws.  Women could and were making their own money, attempting to exercise their own goals, and the internal family conflicts with the old patriarchal model had a hard time acclimatizing to this.  Cue Archie Bunker.

And Hugh Hefner.

First, there was another brief reign of Aphrodite, who returned to binge on the erotic excesses of the first industrial generation to enjoy wide-access to contraception in human history.  The Kinseys, Masters & Johnson, Marilyn Monroe, the Playboy Mansion, and the turbulent counter-culture fueled this introspective quest of Femininity and it's sexuality.  Quite the party, as exploding sexuality allowed Femininity to define itself as "Woman As Sex Kitten/Sexual Being" in a long-overdue way.  Infidelity and premarital sex had been all but banished as serious impediments to experimentation, and the issue of illegitimacy became far less of a social problem. 

But that didn't help much with the basic problem.  As Agrarian/Post-War ideals about marriage and family were still standard, enjoying a lot of sexual freedom in a public way caused problems for women trying to establish their femininity.  Women - some women - began to define their Femininity with Family as a minor aspect, if present at all.  That was at odds with the feminine Prime Directive of reproduction, so the real damage to Femininity began.

So feminism tried to take over the issue by striking at the heart of the perceived oppressor, and the fun, fearless, divorce-happy era of the 1970s began.  Laying aside the political ramifications, the hit that Femininity took was staggering.  Women's self-image was muddied irreparably by the insistence that they could both pursue their reproductive strategies (get married and have children) as well as pursue their career and financial goals (Work outside of the home).  "Woman As Mother" took a backseat to "Woman As Independent Earner".  Hera's reign fell with the ascent of Diana, the goddess who demands equality with men.

That was problematic, and it remains problematic to this day.  

The source of the problem is that "Woman As Independent Earner" encompasses little, if anything, of the previous incarnations of Femininity.  And it is increasingly distant from the long-established roots of feminine identity, so much so at this point that one can easily say that Femininity has fractured, and is experiencing a severe crisis.

"Woman As Independent Earner", the Strong, Independent Woman archetype, has been promoted by feminism and non-feminist women alike as a lofty goal to aspire to.  Loftier than any other, save only in the most conservative enclaves.  The "Feminine Mystique" that was once a point of rebellion has now eroded into a caricature of former feminine glories.  Encouraged by feminism to reject marriage and the pursuit of reproductive goals in favor of education and vocational aspirations, the remnant of the old standards still hold women up to personal and social expectations far more in line with the Agrarian past.

Femininity is experiencing an identity crisis again because now that it has successfully established "Independent Earner" into its matrix, it doesn't know how to make it relate to the other cast-off identities a woman has in her metaphorical closet.  The problem is that "Independent Earner" is now the dominant paradigm in Femininity, at direct odds with "Home & Hearth" and "Motherhood".  And it's sharing a mostly-unhealthy relationship with "Sex Kitten", these days.  

Marriage is at the heart of this problem.  Little girls are not encouraged, trained, or educated to grow up to become good wives.  They're educated, trained and encouraged to enter the workforce (usually through a credentialed college) and compete with boys to the exclusion of all else.  The the vague idea of "getting married someday" is, of course, floating around in their heads along with "when I win the lottery", but a young woman's more immediate concerns revolve around her social life, not her future.  Feminism and popular culture keep the wedding as the fantasy, and marriage as the rite-of-passage, but without explanation of marriage's utility or benefit, only it's dreaded dangers and threats of stealing female independence,  It's an emotional expectation, not a pragmatic one.  Unfortunately, it's also the only real discussion of marriage most young women have today.

Womankind's uneasy relationship with marriage can be traced directly to feminism.  Feminism viewed marriage as "slavery", both sexual and practical, to the "patriarchy", denying women agency, rights, or self-determination. But, interesting enough, early feminists rarely wanted to get rid of marriage altogether, because they still saw marriage and family as necessary elements of Femininity.  Even in the throes of the 1970s "Women's Liberation" phase, as Second Wave feminism took hold, feminism didn't want to eliminate marriage . . . they merely wanted total control of it.

Feminism grew to despise marriage, as it radicalized in the 1980s, and that had a powerful effect on Femininity.  Marriage wasn't mere slavery for individual wives, it was PATRIARCHAL OPPRESSION, in the classic Marxist sense.  Using financial independence and security as a basis, feminism began strongly encouraging girls AWAY from investing in the skills and attitudes that might prepare them for successful marriages, and replaced them with the more masculine-oriented desire for professional achievement and financial domination.  "Power" became the focus of a young woman's education - the power that came from their vulnerability as a protected class, the power that came from controlling the cultural consensus over "women's affairs", the power over any marriage or relationship she happened to enter into.  Feminism preached the sermon of Feminist Empowerment so loudly in the 1980s that it lead to a schizophrenic approach to marriage by Femininity.

On the one hand, the "romantic desire" for a permanent relationship is there . . . but feminism has successfully re-written the social rules enough to use any woman's apparent success in a relationship as prima facia evidence of her failure as "Independent Earner".  A woman who is successful in her professional life is NEVER lauded for her relationship or her family, even if she has them.  Particularly not her husband.  Admitting that you actually fell for the patriarchal oppression of marriage makes you automatically suspect in feminist circles, until you successfully divorce. The only successful perspective on marriage a feminist has is the actual "getting married" part, not the "being married" part.  

Not convinced? See how much die-hard feminists recoil when you use the "traditional" trappings of a marriage commitment.  Words like "wife", "husband", "our marriage", a woman taking her husband's last name, the term "Missus", all of the old hallmarks of a successful commitment have been utterly demonized by feminism.  They have successfully distilled the institution to its celebratory and financial basics: the ring, the dress, the party, and the honeymoon.  After that, there is no more feminist celebration of marriage.  

You see, the thing that bothers them is not so much the "oppression" of the thing . . . it's the permanence.  

To feminism, making a permanent commitment does not confirm a woman's adult ability to face up to her adult responsibilities . . . it implies an irrevocable commitment to one potential breeding partner in a way that precludes feminist "agency" to make a better mate selection at a later time.  They want to make as much space as possible for commitment-smashing Hypergamy.  Feminists don't want to get married any less than their ancestors, they just don't want to BE married if something better comes along, as an exercise of their independent feminist agency.  With the presupposition that all men participate in the Patriarchy by virtue of the XY chromosomes, to a feminist a "successful" marriage is one in which a woman divorces her first husband in time to marry her second, "real" husband. For awhile. 

If that sounds like a massive rationalization for opportunistically screwing around on your husband in the name of political power, you wouldn't be the first to note that.

This affects non-feminist women, too, because you are all part of the same big Sexual Marketplace and Marriage Marketplace.  When feminism first flooded the SMP with young, nubile, sexually active girls in the late 1960s who had access to birth control, it utterly screwed up the MMP because it also liberalized divorce in such a way that made predatory hypergamy a bloodsport back in the Mad Men days.  That is, it encouraged the "men are like houses; get what you can manage and then trade up!" ideal in female romantic relationships.

And when there is a sudden flood of sexually available pussy on the market with no firm goal of commitment, that completely screws up the carefully-laid plans of marriage-minded women to get carefully laid on their wedding nights.  Feminism hijacked Femininity's code and re-wrote important parts of it so that now nothing really works right.  

Your confusion and difficulty is the result.

Perversely, the divorce cycle and reluctance to pursue marriage that feminism tacitly endorses and culturally celebrates among young women is highly detrimental to their over-all welfare.  Looked at objectively, the smartest thing a young woman can do for her financial and reproductive future security is to form a strong alliance with an ambitious young man early, get married, and have children within the protective confines of the marital home, under the protection of her husband. She will have a more secure home for her children, enjoy a lower chance of DV or sex-related health issues, raise healthier, more secure and higher-achieving children who will have far lower chances of encountering violence in their lives.

But that don't fly in Feminist Town.  Respecting marriage denigrates Womanhood, even as it elevates Femininity.  Womanhood is far more important for feminists, because Womanhood is about Power, and Femininity is about Happiness.

By denigrating the power of lifelong marriage as a goal for a young woman, advising her to max out her SMV early and ignore her MMV until all the decent dudes are long gone, feminism manages to screw young women out of reproductive options even as it fights to secure reproductive rights for them.  Because while feminism was screwing around with our basic social operating system for the benefit of women, it got drunk on its power and ignored the fact that men, too, have agency a individuals and societies, not just as part of the Evil Patriarchy.

That doesn't mean that women suddenly stopped wanting to live Happily Ever After and be mommies when they grew up.  It just meant that if they did that in preference to a career, they would be scorned and lose status in large parts of the Matrix.  And an increasing number of them ended up disappointed and cheated out of their best shots at that, because feminism was demanding that they Fight Patriarchy, not fuck it.  The 1980s was replete with encouragement for girls that they could, indeed, have it all - and that marriage, motherhood and family would be available for all, once the career-building financial independence was done.

Problem was, by the early 1990s, when those dudes were supposed to be lining up to marry the women of that cohort, a whole lot of them just didn't show.  The male fear of divorce and reluctance to engage with a feminist-oriented female culture that went out of its way to humiliate and emasculate men (particularly young men), as well as cool stuff like free porn and video games, made young men take a good hard look at the Femininity that their stunted Masculinity was supposed to be attracted to . . . and they recoiled in horror.

Women, meanwhile, recoiled in confusion.  After feminism instructed them that boys would be oh-so-horny for their big paychecks and astonishing achievements, the boys just didn't show up with rings in their pockets.  The "femininity" that was supposed to be the traditional bedrock of masculine attraction and mating was . . . gone. 

What was left - what you are left with - is pretty desolate, from a masculine perspective.  There was no dedication to children, except in abstract, no devotion to domestic skills, no cultivation of a warm and loving heart to encourage his own perseverance in the face of adversity.  Instead young men looked at what their futures held with these determined, driven, highly-competitive girls who saw marriage and family as check boxes and his role as "guest husband" in her domestic fantasies.  The looked at it, saw the pain and agony of their divorced dads, saw the misery in the eyes of their married friends, and realized that it just wasn't worth the effort. 

By that point feminism's odd ideas about sex had progressed to where sex within marriage was the absolute most boring, patriarchal, non-feminist sex you could have.  They denigrated husbands and men in general in popular culture and made the term itself one of cultural disrespect.  With that kind of painful humiliation to look forward to in the institution formerly known as marriage, the young men had a decision to make.  So the dudes shrugged, went back to porn and video games and women went crazy, a little.

Male rejection of Femininity, in the form of suddenly-declining marriage rates and suddenly-increasing delays in first marriage should have sent a signal to women about the trouble they were in, but they were enjoying the power trip of wielding real political power, and paying attention to something as mundane as a marriage without masculine abuse was a waste of time - after all, as long as women were happy, men shouldn't have anything to complain about, according to feminism.  

Not that women were particularly happy.  Thankfully, the antidepressant revolution was at hand, too.

In the early 1990s Femininity had become a pale shade of its former self.  While overt sexuality ("Sex Kitten") was still strongly present, all of the supporting structures that lent to male attraction were missing.  In its place was "Independent Earner", and "Power Broker".  While those elements flattered feminism's ideas about what Femininity looked like, they did damn little to make those young women at all attractive prospects for good long-term relationships. By the turn of the century, the men who felt driven to become husbands and fathers had wed, while the ones on the margins were procrastinating and being accused of being "commitment-phobic" when, in fact, they just knew a bad deal when they saw one.

Things got complicated with the rise of so-called "Fourth Wave Feminism", the Grrl-power social movement that attempted to re-combine Femininity and Feminism.  Instead it made things worse, as girls tried to selectively compete with boys and then try to mate with them, all under a complex wave of threats and demands that made the boys recoil further and further into their collective Man Cave.  Even making Femininity boldly sexual, with the Sex In The City lifestyle, ultimately failed to appeal to a generation of boys who saw themselves as merely one of the many dicks the FemmeFour rode, never Mr. Big (and if he was that Big, why the hell was he tappin' THAT?  Has Charlie Sheen taught us nothing?)

The fact was, the only men to whom marriage held any appeal were the ones that women least pursued for their requisite sexual agenda.  The Nice Guy/Bad Boy schism got so codified, Open Hypergamy so blatantly waved in their faces, that boys didn't care if you threw the poon at them.  Even before the Manosphere and the Red Pill, we were starting to figure out which side of Femininity's imposed line we were on, and we were sick of playing already.

The marriages that happened around the turn of the century were, culturally, highly tentative affairs.  Women who married then were often making the best of a bad situation, and men who married (myself included) were highly wary and suspect of the institution, after feminism essentially ruined it as a good prospect for an intelligent man.  Even as women were beginning to figure out that their ailing Femininity wasn't enough to pull the strong, firm commitments from quality men they wanted, men were figuring out that even in the best of circumstances, marriage was just not in the male best interests, as it currently stands.  Quick divorce, particularly among the working class, or delayed marriage among the professional class, led to a dragging on the whole male impetus for marriage.

Then the Great Recession hit.  Yay.

Femininity, as it currently stands, is at a schizophrenic-like state in the middle of a crossroads.  Little girls cannot, despite what feminism tells them, expect that The One will be waiting for them when they turn 27 and hit their Epiphany.  In fact, the investment in career and achievement feminism pushes is now an economic necessity for them, not a "choice", because there just aren't that many men out there willing to offer a traditional commitment to give women a real choice.  Their chances of actually getting married and staying married are far less than their chances of some mediocre corporate achievement, so telling girls that they have any kind of choice does them a disservice. 

In the future, I predict, only around 1/3 of women will be able to leverage what remains of their attractive Femininity to find any kind of husband for any decent length commitment.  With the rise of new birth control methods like Vasalgel (which, apparently, as a method of contraception, Obamacare would pick up the tab for) and a new sense of masculine independence, the traditional means some women resorted to in order to extract a commitment ("Honey, I'm Late!") will be gone.  By some estimates, such events lead to a very large percentage of weddings that would not ordinarily have happened.  I also predict a new era of masculine economic independence as men explore the possibilities of small-scale technologies like 3D printing.  With money in their pocket, Tindr on their phones, and time on their hands, just what does Millennial women's Femininity offer them to secure any kind of commitment?

Little girls today are looking at an increasingly bleak future, thanks to this.  While their ability to earn an income in the corporate world has never looked brighter, their ability to secure a quality mate, a secure reproductive future, and a stable commitment has taken a bullet to the knee.  In a few years, when the leading-edge Millennial women start hitting their Epiphany stage after their tumultuous and sex-fueled youth, they're going to find that the dudes they were looking for just aren't there.  

Their practical choices after school will be state-supported single motherhood for the working classes and childless spinsterhood for the professional classes, with a small section of women who have managed to leverage their Femininity and youthful sexuality enough to secure a commitment in the middle.  Her choices are  effectively (non college) Single Working Mom or (college) Professional Spinster.  Since the former is soaked in poverty, and the latter is soaked in student debt and expensive social expectations, neither one is really Femininity's idea of Happily Ever After.  but whether they're looking at a life as an Hourly Wal-Mart Clerk or a Salaried Accounts Payable Executive, neither path fulfills the common feminine requirements for Happily Ever After.

You need a husband for that.  And that's a hot market, right now.  

There are those who think I should, therefore, throw my weight behind encouraging men to marry despite both their reluctance and their cynicism, to help save women from this plight.  That I should quietly dispense the answers to the problem of the impending Husband Shortage to women and help push dudes toward being more inclined to marry.  The problem with this is that until marriage is once again in a man's best interest, encouraging him to marry is just unwise.  The market is all screwed up.  What passes for Femininity now is a pale shadow of its former self, a mockery of the idealistic images we men develop about marriage and family, and as much as we bitterly miss those things, we are coming to the collective conclusion that Western Femininity is just too broken for us to try to fix, or even contend with.

Sure, Masculinity ain't what it used to be either, and we own that.  We allowed ourselves to be talked out of our better masculine nature in the false hope that it would lead to a better domestic life, social harmony, and more sex.  What we got was more demands, more requirements, and less sex.  After two generations of watching that not happen, we started asking questions . . . and the Manosphere was born. 

Feminism taught men that all people had Agency, back when we were little squishy Blue Pill pushovers.  Now the dudes are using that agency to pursue their own masculine interests, regardless of what it means to women, feminism, or Femininity.  MGTOW is a symptom of that, but so is PUA.  Your dashing Prince Charmings and Mr. Bigs figured out we can bang hot girls all day, now, and then only settle down for someone truly exceptional. That is, someone truly Feminine, in the most idealistic sense of the word.  

So that is where we stand.  As women, your chances of finding a partner who is willing to commit his masculine energies to your Femininity are pretty dismal.  Thanks to two generations of institutionalized gender warfare and your own unwillingness to face the truth of the matter, you'd collectively prefer to blame all of your problems in that direction on men, or "timing", or "chemistry".  But those rationalizations don't stand to scrutiny, and the women who are wedded to them are the ones who won't be wedded to anyone else.

THAT is the purpose this blog serves, for women.  Not to make men better for you - because we're done with that, culturally speaking, as a result of the mass-rejection of masculinity 3rd Wavers pushed on society.  The men here are here because they want to be better for themselves - and sometimes that includes the pursuit of a long-term relationship, commitment, marriage.  For women, I try to advise them how to stitch together the remnants of their lost Femininity in an effort to make them better companions and partners for the men who

would commit to them.  

The goal is NOT "equality" in the marriage.  The goal is a stable, happy long term relationship for both parties . . . which is in the masculine interest.  The proven way to do that is with benevolent sexism, masculine leadership, and feminine receptivity.  That's hard, because men have been discouraged from being leaders and women have been discouraged from being receptive.  But the only way it is ever achieved is to embrace the idea of equilibrium, not equality.  Embrace and explore your natural femininity, not the laundry-list of check marks on your personal agenda, which lists "get married" somewhere toward the bottom.

Why am I doing this?  Because nobody else is fucking doing it.

Mostly I'm doing it to help dudes get laid, and in a long-term relationship, that means Married Game.  For the women who have come to the realization that feminism holds no solace for the damaged Femininity, I do offer some insights from the masculine perspective you might find helpful.  I might be able to untangle some of the confusion you feel, I hope, and help you figure out how to pursue Happiness - not really something feminism concerns itself with.

But I do so because it serves masculine interests to encourage those women who really WANT to be wives to do so effectively.  Please understand that those same masculine interests are far more invested in your sexuality, your domesticity, your personality, and your behavior than your credentials or your inherent worth as a human being.  I'm not saying that women who are poor wives are worth less as human beings (as some critics have laughably suggested) I'm saying that men shouldn't marry women who would make poor wives.  

You might be a great human being.  That doesn't mean you are automatically going to be a great wife.  Men make their mating and commitment decisions based on much different criteria than you do.  Accept that, and accept that your own failures or successes in romance and relationships have not a goddamn thing to do with your value as a human being.  BE a great human being, if you want - we need more of them.  But that doesn't mean that you deserve to get married or be a wife.  It doesn't even mean that you deserve to get laid.  And I'm not about to tell men at large that they should focus on what's inside, when they're looking for a relationship, because that's just bullshit and we all know it.  

If you want advice about reclaiming and revalorizing your lost Femininity, I'm happy to help.  But if you're looking here for comfort and a quick "It's not as bad as you think!" you're going to be disappointed.  Though my caustic tone and absolute phrasing does, indeed, incite men to action, it's not because it's caustic but because it's unapologetically true.  And it's not only as bad as you think, it's far, far worse than you might imagine.  If you are frustrated with my perspective, understand that what you are really frustrated with is the fact that I've called out a truth you've wanted to ignore and deny.  If you feel hopeless, it is only because you have started to suspect the cold truth of the matter: Western Femininity is losing its power to get what it wants, and every woman who is a part of it is losing as a result.

If you want hope, then embrace and acknowledge these cold facts and realize that it isn't an indictment of you, it's a reflection on the sorry state of general mating affairs.  But then also realize that such knowledge gives you some power.  

Because the thing you and most other women don't want to acknowledge is the reality of intrasexual competition, even though you experience it daily like a fish does water.  Your Femininity has been convinced that women aren't really competing for men, and that men aren't really competing for women, so therefore no real effort or development is necessary for a non-competition - we're all just free to "be ourselves" and be accepted on that basis.  But the proof of that lie is how miserable women are, how many fewer marriages there are, and how much men fear divorce. 

When feminism tried to convince Femininity that the best route to its unchanging goals was unrelenting outrage and rejection of masculinity, not embracing the realities of intrasexual competition, because it's sexist.  Of course, that doesn't stop hot feminists from using every feminine wile in the books in an attempt to secure some sort of commitment and relationship, all the while dismissing intrasexual competition as a "tool of the patriarchy".  

These are the women who will not hesitate to steal your husband or boyfriend even as they insist that women shouldn't compete.  And meanwhile, the men your femininity is supposed to attract would rather read comic books for the rest of your lives than take a chance on you.

THAT is all the Femininity feminism has left you with.


  1. Interesting read. I honestly had no idea what the "Red Pill" was until today and I spent most of the day researching and reading. As a young woman with a turbulent past raised by both an abusive, alcoholic father and a very hard-working single mother (because she had to be), I have the feeling that being a strong, career-minded woman was necessary because men do not make good husbands.

    In my research today, I am getting so many double standards on what a "red pill" man is looking for. My boyfriend is a Muslim and is from Pakistan, I am going to need to do some real changing and I want to make those changes as I become less westernized and more eastern. But, I don't really know how.

    Perhaps the biggest hypocrisy I have read today from "red pill men" is that they don't want a woman who is financially dependent. They don't want to be "walking wallets". Really, the majority of the men don't want marriage but they do want easily obtainable sex with very attractive women. Yet here I'm reading men want a woman that is more dependent upon him financially because her focus should be on her home and her family. As a woman myself, I cannot be a good keeper of the home and family if you cannot provide me with a home to keep. Unfortunately, many women are being let down in this department, requiring women to have a full-time career even if she'd rather be at home raising her babies instead of needing someone else to raise them for her.

    I have an interest in learning more and yeah, I'm probably not going to like or even agree with everything I research. I do have a sour taste for westernized men because of my father and from what I've witnessed.

    1. Some female "friends" once got into a discussion about "starter marriages". Eye-opening.

      Now lets reverse the situation.

      How would a woman would feel if she was with a bunch of men who got into a discussion about "starter wives"?

      I suspect that a great amount of what is in the "red pill" sector of the internet will make you feel bad. Good luck and try not to feel too crushed - the anger and despair that is often expressed is not pointed at you personally.

    2. What also is a current problem are the costs of having a "home to keep". There is so much consumer pressure to buy and costs have risen beyond a reasonable level because of that. With the added purchasing power of the "financially independent woman" as well as the extra competition in the job marketplace driving wages down and the loss of the manufacturing in the States, this has driven the dual income family. This forces women out of the housekeeper role and into the partner role.

      With all the consumer choice and the constant pressure to have the newest/most current item, prices have climbed out of control. The manufacture of these items has also changed. Rather than building things to last, they have an expiry date.

    3. There are quite a lot of "Red Pill" ish women out there, you could come read our blogs. :) (I don't particularly identify as a RPW, I'm a Christian conservative housewife).

      I don't read most men's blogs in the manosphere either, too upsetting.

      Ian, being a married man who actually LIKES women (at least some women) is one of the exceptions, though his theology and thus morality and mine are at odds.

      Ian - thanks for the great and helpful post.

    4. > they don't want a woman who is financially dependent. They don't want to be "walking wallets". Really, the majority of the men don't want marriage but they do want easily obtainable sex with very attractive women. Yet here I'm reading men want a woman that is more dependent upon him financially because her focus should be on her home and her family.

      It's not both things simultaneously. Some are into non-committed relationships (spinning plates) while others are LTR oriented. The former won't spend much on their partners, the latter of course expect to be breadwinners (which doesn't necessarily mean you won't have to work at all). I recommend the RedPillWomen subreddit for more info.

    5. If pressed, most Red Pill men will say they are okay with financially supporting a woman if she handles the domestic duties.

      The issue guys have is that we have all encountered "hoovers", women who want you to pay for everything, but aren't attracted to you and don't want to handle domestic chores. This is why we advice men *not* to pay for her on the first date. Hoovers have ruined it.


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    8. I get mixed signals in that area too, so which do men really truly want:

      A.) A wife that will do all the domestic chores around the home within reason (mowing the lawn/taking out the trash would be my main exception), take care of the kids, cook healthy meals for the family, and works on improving the home space as well as keeping her man happy in the bedroom (I think all good wives should provide this to the best Of their ability/health). Generally this makes her fairly financially dependent.

      B.) Do they want a woman who works, doesn't cook or clean much at all, and often complains she's too tired for the bedroom fun times. As well as sacrifices your children to daycare neglect and in general the TV babysitter. But she's financially independent!

      For me, my priority is on my future children and I want to be wife A given that suits my skill set, my desires for raising well rounded, intelligent and virtuous children, and I would be content and generally quite happy with that. I've been often criticized for wanting to be Wife A though and told I was a gold digger for wanting such things as well as a worthless human being if I'm not contributing financially to society. :/

  2. You do know that only the craziest people take equality literally right? I've never met a blue-pill couple beset by enough stupidity to try and handle relationships in such a manner. Maybe you should get over your fear of google and actually do some research before you write these monuments to self-indulgence. And yes, I know that you write shitty erotica for a living and no that doesn't make me trust your word against all other evidence. If you're not going to provide any sort of proof of your supposed expertise then of course people on the internet won't believe you and we will continue to mock you. I'm not asking you to supply evidence because you are a sad middle aged man who's trying to convince himself that he's a bigshot on the internet and we know that you're making it up to impress your fellow wannabe intellectuals. Even in the redpill community your well known as a rampant shitposter who is constantly trying to sell his shitty books so you can pay rent. I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. Do you really want to fuck with me, cupcake?

    1. And yet here you are trying - yet again - to intimidate my pseudonym from an anonymous account. How terribly brave of you.

      I don't need to lay out credentials. Only women are impressed by them. I stand behind what I write here, and the suggestion I'm trying to make money off of this is laughable. This is a HOBBY, moron. I've turned down offers to monetize it that would pay me about five times your imagined salary. Not because I don't believe in it, but because I believe in it so much that charging money for it would feel wrong.

      Also, like Rollo and others in the Manosphere, I'm so successful in my career I don't need to depend on the 'Sphere to pay my rent. Hell, my PART TIME gig makes more money than you do. If I had to find a way to make money, there are far easier and better wasy.

      That's not why I'm here. Nor is it for self-aggrandizement - otherwise I would use my real name. So who am I trying to impress?

      Not you. Not someone who would lie about their military service record during a time of war. And I know you're lying, because pretty much every well-informed fourteen year old boy knows that Navy SEALS are ALWAYS capitalized in print. Someone who had dedicated themselves to our country the way that those brave, intelligent, valiant warriors do would not only make such an embarrassing mistake and dishonor their unit, they wouldn't go bragging and making threats to anonymous strangers over the internet, because that's the kind of shit that risks security.

      And no REAL Navy SEAL would do such a thing. Or brag about his "kills". Anyone familiar with that corps in reality would say as much. You dishonor the men who have worn that uniform and taken that training by your claim, and I hope for your sake none of them ever discover what you've said. From what I understand they are not terribly tolerant of poseurs.

      So no, Cupcake, I ain't skeered of you. Nor am I intimidated by your increasingly shrill ravings. Merely amused.

    2. "I love blogging, but it's hard to make pay. Hence me cobbling together the Alpha Moves book."
      Power of Google.

    3. Just a heads up, the Navy Seal bit (I'll have you know...) is a common copy-pasted troll meme used to rile up unsuspecting marks/provide laughter for those in on the joke. Because these days, sincerity is for chumps, and the more sincere and effortful a response you can bait out of somebody using these tactics, the funnier the joke (of sincerity, to the troll) becomes. It's basically a huge shit test that you might have just fallen for.

      Besides that, thanks for the post, it's a great alternative (and more accurate) account of femininity in the past century.

    4. He definitely just fell for it. At least he could tell I wasn't real because of my capitalization. By the way thanks for disrespecting the United States Air Force dude, I said "Seal" because I was copy-pasting an obviously facetious statement, what's your excuse for disrespecting marines?

  3. "Ian, being a married man who actually LIKES women (at least some women) is one of the exceptions, though his theology and thus morality and mine are at odds."

    Can't just comment without a quick snipe at men, can you Hearth?

    What a gem you must be.

    1. She has a point. Marriage has made many a man consider misogyny.

      And I appreciate that she respects my opinion even though we're from different spiritual traditions.

    2. Apologies if you felt like that was a swipe, it wasn't meant to be.

      Basic principle - if someone asks me to leave their clubhouse (or is rude to me), I leave IRL. If someone does so online, I do likewise. I choose not to take in unhappiness that I cannot solve - it isn't productive.

      I find that married men (or once married men) tend to be more likely to enjoy the company of women, virtual or otherwise. Ian clearly enjoys women as people, even if he doesn't like all of us. (Well, who does?)

      So this is a safe place for me to hear a different and well-spoken perspective, and I appreciate Ian's work.

      I *do* find that other women often find themselves spiralling out of control when they spend too much time in some parts of the manosphere, so I try to spread the idea that if someone doesn't want you around - leave 'em be. It's so very easy for us gals to get swept up in the emotion and let it spill over to our real lives and responsibilities.

      In other words, my husband gets mad if I assume he's mad at me 'cause someone online is. :)

      Hope that explained, didn't realize I was that unclear!!!! Apologies again - definitely didn't come out as intended.

  4. It was a well stated post and rather kind of you to take the time to write it.

    However, I can relate to your commenter when she says, "While I agree your ideals, I can't keep reading your work. The caustic tone and phrasing of things... pushes me into a spiral of frustration.."

    There are many of us who dislike the caustic phrasing and outright hatred often expressed by red pills, even though we do agree with many of the ideals and ideas being expressed.

    Perhaps some of you are actual human beings who would never think of doing outright harm to women, but not all men are like that. There are some who are pretty nasty who take those caustic words as an endorsement and encouragement of their violent revenge fantasies.

    To expect women to be more feminine, more submissive, while promoting caustic hostility in men is a recipe for disaster. Women cannot be more feminine if men do not provide the safety for women to do so.

    I despise Amanda Marcotte and yet after witnessing the behavior of some men in the manosphere, I am forced to reluctantly agree with her.

    1. Do you even care about these men who are suffering? Some of the world's most intelligent bloodlines are dying because of feminism. This isn't time to be soft-spoken.

      Sure people like Elliot Rodgers exist, and while I don't strictly approve of their methods, they definitely are making a real change.

      I doubt most of us would even know what swallowing TRP meant without his influence. I'm sorry to say that this "caustic phrasing" is the least we can do to get our message out.

      Just be glad that most of us are more forgiving of the crimes against masculinity that has been committed.

    2. If you cannot get past a little anger, which is 1/6ths of all emotions, how are you going to deal with real hard pressing issues?

    3. Eliot Rogers was a feminist, not redpiller. He did everything feminists suggested in terms of how a man should behave, and it brought him to that end.

    4. Elliot Rodger was like Aristotle. He was a great thinker from before the philosophy he was studying had been developed properly,

      He was confused and alone and often mocked viciously. In the end martyrdom was the only thing he could do. We should not strive to be like him.

      No more men should have to die now that people like Elliot paved the way and Ironwood is here to guide them.

  5. Insanitybytes is a concern troll who posted on alpha game plan.

    Despite that I'll answer the more masculine men act including aggression the more feminine women behave. Women naturally fall into the feminine role when they are dominates by a strong man. The tragedy is women must fight their nature to conform to the madness that is feminism.

  6. I really liked this post. just letting you know.

  7. I also like this post. Very thoughtful and clearly communicated.
    Thank you.

  8. I liked what you had to say until this part:

    "To feminism, making a permanent commitment does not confirm a woman's adult ability to face up to her adult responsibilities . . . it implies an irrevocable commitment to one potential breeding partner in a way that precludes feminist "agency" to make a better mate selection at a later time. They want to make as much space as possible for commitment-smashing Hypergamy. "

    Sorry, but that part is nonsense. Sure, there are rad fem and even mainstream feminist arguments written about why marriage is bad for women, but hypergamy never enters into it. Marriage is framed as a bad deal for a woman because of the risk of losing her independence and especially financial independence. I have never read a single feminist argument that says marriage is bad for women because it ties her down to a guy she might want to ditch later. No, the feminist writings that discourage women from getting married discourage women from getting too entwined with men period. Some even encourage women to explore lesbian relationships (such as the tract "Orchids in the Arctic". Branch swinging from man to man doesn't figure into it at all in these writings, however.

    Can you cite any writing or lecture out there, anything from a feminist source, that backs up your hypergamy claim? Because I'd be very much interested to see it.

    1. Please cease &/or desist of your defamation. Feminists are divorcing men for no reason and that's what matters. No citation needed. You are a feminist slave if you think we have to provide proof for such an obvious truth.

      Go home.

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  9. Also, this bothered me:

    >Little girls are not encouraged, trained, or educated to grow up to become good wives.

    So do you believe that little boys are encouraged, trained, and educated to be good husbands? And if not, should they be?

    1. Please cease &/or desist of your defamation. Feminists are divorcing men for no reason and that's what matters. No citation needed.

      Little dudes are trained to be good husbands by fellow MRAs and feminists alike. You see feminists are bitches like that in that they want to sculpt perfect little betas to milk while they perform hypergamy.

      Go home.

    2. Your comments have made my day.

  10. Hi Ian. Love your blog, hate/despair over the quagmire a lifetime of feminism has left me (and the people I care about) in.

    I hope it's alright to leave this here as an open question -- do you offer advice to female readers if they ask for specific input?

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  37. You're most prooo'bly a youth who
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    Always hope in Jesus, son...

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    God bless your indelible soul.
    Know what the word INDELIBLE means?
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    after your Divine Judgement based on
    what WE sinfull mortals did in our wee, wee existence (better repent for doing the five-finger-handjob), Jesus sentences U.S. to either Seventh-Heaven, or Purgatory or the Abyss o'Misery.

    Deal with it.
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    Make Your Choice -SAW

  38. PS This is our ministry:

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    Nevertheless, 1-outta-1 bites-the-dust, bro... yet, that certainly aint TheEnd: we're all Divinely Judged according to OUR deeds on this earth; TheEnd comes when we see eternal Seventh-Heaven -OR- the Abyss o'Misery which is also eternal. never ending. infinite.

    Q: Wonder why people CHOOSE Hell where we'll be tortured both physically N psychologically muuuch longer than 999... nonillion years when this lifetime is simply passing-away?
    A: Worshipping allah the superficial indifference of this whorizontal world outta ignorance or stupidity: only 2 realms after ourlifelong demise, folks ...and 1 of em aint too cool.

    God bless your indelible soul.
    Yes, earthling, Im an NDE.

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