Monday, December 31, 2012

Red Pill Resolutions

All right.  It's New Year's Eve.  You've been reading this blog for a while, now, or blogs like it, and you're considering taking the Red Pill.

That's a scary proposition, I understand.  The Blue Pill is so much easier . . . all you have to do is sit back, develop a thick skin, and hope that intentions count for more than performance.  The Red Pill is hard, hard work.  It's hard to start, it's hard to keep going, and (eventually) it's hard to stop.  Transformative shit is like that.

Perhaps you've just been reading, thinking about it, pondering how your life would be different if you took the Red Pill for real . . . instead of just thinking about it.

Maybe things aren't so bad for you.  Maybe you're just feeling discouraged because the missus is more involved in her 50 Shades of Grey book than she is you.  Maybe you're staring at middle age and are wondering if you could have done things differently . . . and realize that this might be your last opportunity to do anything differently.

Perhaps you've felt badgered and ordered-around and softly dominated in your marriage under the banner of "equality", and you've just had enough and want a change . . . but not too much of a change.

And that's the challenge of the Red Pill for the Blue Pill Beta: do you put at risk everything you have and everything you have built for the possibility of something better . . . or the possibility of losing it all?

I was in your shoes a little over a year ago.  That's when I started my own Red Pill experiment.  I read Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life and the other Manosphere blogs, and I decided that I would take the Red Pill and plunge ahead, even though my marriage was solid and my sex life was far above average.

It's been a year now.  Tomorrow marks the first anniversary of the first real dose of Red Pill in my house.  How are the results?

First, the sex: married sex went from "far above average" to "plentiful"; sexual style went from "boring married people sex" to "bells and whistles".  Strength and security of the relationship: increased dramatically.

Second, the subsidiary effects on my household: children do chores more readily and easily, now that they know "Daddy doesn't play".  Grades for two of my little geniuses went way up.  The third is a work in progress, but I expect he always will be.  Think Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, only with a much stronger libido (for a 13 year old).

Third, the subsidiary effects on my work performance: team is above goal, personal performance review improved, bosses generally happier with me (not that they were ever unhappy with me -- I'm quite charming).

Fourth, the subsidiary effects on my other interpersonal relationships: stronger bond with male friends and relatives, less tolerance for female friends and relatives' general bullshit.  Increased position within the Male Social Matrix, accordingly.

That's four damn good reasons to consider the Red Pill.  A year on, it's been one of the best decisions of my adult life.

So consider it.  Buy a copy of MMSL and Athol's other book(s), memorize the key points, and start re-inventing yourself for 2013.  Start tomorrow, with some Red Pill resolutions.  And if you've had a hard time figuring out just what you can do to up your Alpha and break your Beta chains, here's a jump start.  I've been asked many times to re-post this list, from a comment I made about my 50 Shades post, and I think this is the best place for it, augmented and edited.

If you want to swallow the Red Pill and inject some more Alpha into your life, here's a place to start:

Start paying far more attention to what women do than what they say.

Walk into the joint like you own it.

Work out like your life depends on it.

Start telling, stop asking.

Have at least one nice suit that you have had tailored to fit you properly.

Take charge. No one is going to give you permission to lead.

Make breakfast for everyone on a Sunday without being asked or told.  Designate who will clean up.

Start thinking of yourself as a valuable asset, not an appendage to a woman.

Get your hair cut by a real professional stylist at least twice a year.
Start valuing your own desires and respecting your own sexuality.  Don't be ashamed of wanting to screw.

Forget "equality".  Focus on "equilibrium".

Buy a black fedora and rock it hard.

Demonstrate courage, even if you're scared shitless.  No one needs to know just how scared you are.

Be "the most interesting man in the world".

Cultivate a guilty pleasure or a minor vice.  Sure, it isn't good for you...but it's your decision.

Walk around like you have a broadsword on your hip.
Be able to listen thoughtfully, even if you think the speaker is full of shit.  Opportunity can be a subtle thing, and if you don't recognize it before it's gone, it never existed.

Talk to strange women and don't be afraid of a little light flirting.

Stand up straight.  Straighter.

Make your bed, every morning.  It's where you have sex, and you should respect your stage.  (I did this for two months before Mrs. Ironwood caught on.  Now if I don't make the bed, she thinks something is wrong.)

Don't be confident -- be overconfident.  Irrationally overconfident.

Never diminish the penis.  Your junk is so big it's awe-inspiring.  Be willing to fight anyone who says differently.

Call your mother every Sunday.

Be able to change a tire or jump a car on demand.

Solemnly thank veterans for their service.

Become proficient at arms of some sort.

Test drive a sports car.

Tell your wife where you both will be dining, don't ask her where she wants to eat.

Sing loudly in the shower or car without caring who hears.

Pay more attention to what you wear, even if you're just working in the yard.

Split some wood.  When you get sweaty, take off your shirt.

Be unafraid to look at and appreciate a good-looking woman, and be able to do it without being labeled "creepy".

Complain about the cooking when it's bad.

Praise the fellatio when it's good.

Be able to drop a compliment at an instant's notice.

Learn how to tie five new knots.

Have a picnic date pre-prepared in the trunk of your car at all times.

Learn how to speak Italian, at least the dirty words.

Do something no one else knows about, and take satisfaction from that.

Get your shoes shined by a guy who does it for a living at least once in a while.

Overtip when the service is truly outstanding.  And mention it to the manager.

Pay an older woman a compliment and then flirt with her outrageously.

Pay a young girl a compliment and then Game her until she giggles.

Go play pool in a really sketchy dive.  

Know the appropriate occasions and weather in which to wear a tuxedo.

Take guitar lessons.

Know the proper form of address for a sitting monarch, noble, or diplomat.

Be a good loser.

Figure out your favorite manly drink and instantly ask for it at the bar.

Be succinct.  If you can't say it in one sentence, then consider if it needs to be said.

Wait for the idiot to run out of things to say before you get started on why they're wrong.

Pick something off the menu in the first three minutes and don't worry about whether or not you should have gotten the fish.

Be observant of human behavior enough to determine whether or not someone is lying.  Bluffing is a great skill to have . . . and a lousy skill to lack.

Tell her she has beautiful eyes.  It's never untrue.

Know at least one sport inside and out.  Me, I got dibs on Ice Dancing.  Yes, Ice Dancing.  You fucking wanna fight about it?

Figure out if you're a beer man or a liquor man and don't pick up a Zima even if there's a gun to your head.

Know how to identify poison oak, ivy, and sumac.

Read at least one book written in the last year.

Sit on your front porch and watch the sun set, just because you want to.

Write a letter to your wife.  In longhand.  On stationary.  Mail it to her.

Read a classic in public without shame or fear.

Stay in the game even if you've got a shitty hand, and play it like it's pocket aces.

Show respect to other men for their age, their experience, their reputation, and/or their record.  But never mention that to them -- you don't want to look like a brown-noser.  

When you switch from cunnilingus to intercourse, do her hard for ten minutes and then go back to cunnilingus until you're damn well good and ready to continue with screwing.  A man's gotta eat.

Make up private nicknames for her boobs.  Tell her, if you want.

Learn how to throw a punch that lands accurately and with sufficient force.

Learn how to take a punch.

Rock a bow-tie.  But only if you know how to tie one.

Go out of your way to cross a room to tell a woman how attractive you find her, and compliment her on one thing she clearly worked very hard on.  Then recede from view without revealing your name.  

When someone says "that's sexist!" shrug and say "I'm OK with that."

Practice your free throw.

Call your dad and ask him what he would do, even if you already know the answer.

Sew your own buttons on your shirts.  Even prisoners can do it.
Imagine a better way to state the problem, then make the asshole on the team see reason even if you have to beat him to death in the men's room.

Be able to sing one song or tell one amusing anecdote in public and do it well.

When you shake hands, be the guy with the stronger grip.

Know how to drive a fucking nail without looking like an amateur.  Practice, if necessary.

When a woman tells you she's a feminist, grin broadly and say "Really? Seriously?" and then shake your head and walk away laughing.

Play a game with a bunch of little kids.

Play cards or chess with an old dude and discover his wisdom.  But don't wager -- those old guys are vicious.

Create some art, just because you can.

Know enough about wine to converse on the subject intelligently, without pretending to know stuff you don't.  You probably aren't a "wine dude" -- you probably can't afford to be -- but being able to discuss a bottle with the sommalier in a restaurant is a key Alpha skill.  Feel free to finish the conversation with "I trust your professional judgement".

Go to a minor league baseball game and shout at the pitcher.

Tell her she's pretty and try to mean it.

Learn how to ballroom dance, even the hard ones.  The Tango, alone, is worth the expense.

Build a shed.  From scratch.

You know that dude from college you're Facebook friends with, but haven't actually spoken to in years?  Call him on his birthday.  Find out what he's really been up to.

Stay up all night watching TED talks, and let your head spin.

Tell your kids what you expect, when you expect it, and what will happen if it doesn't happen.  Then follow through.

Mean what you say.  Say what you mean.

Suggest anal, even if you know she's going to decline.

Take your mother-in-law out for lunch, but don't tell your wife about it.  

Talk baby-talk to a dog or cat.  They don't mind.  And chicks dig it.

Learn how to say no.  Don't apologize, don't sound evasive or regretful, just 'no'.  Or 'no, thank you'.

Use profanity only limitedly . . . but when you do use it, mean it.

Know who your great-grandparents were, where they came from, and what they did with their lives. 

Be able to build a campfire you can light with one match.  Practice, if necessary.

Know which way North is . . . all the time.

Know how to hold a baby and always be willing to pick one up without regard to how expensive or freshly-laundered your clothing is.  Baby-spit is invisible.

Always compliment a mother on how her baby looks, no matter how ugly the kid is. 

Write your father's eulogy.  Then write your own.  It's good practice.

Learn at least one simple magic trick you can use to entertain a crowd of 8 year-olds.

Cultivate at least three good heroes from history and know about them, exhaustively.  And no, you can't use JFK or Lincoln.  Too easy.

Read your state's Constitution, and know how it differs from other states and the Federal constitution.  

Learn how to iron, if you don't know how.  No man should make someone else iron his shirts.

Prepare your family for the Zombie Apocalypse.  

Bargain for something, not just a new car.  Learn how to haggle like a middle-eastern spice merchant.  Sure, you're gonna get screwed . . . at first.

Memorize the winning poker hands.

Buy your wife flowers for no reason.  It will confuse the hell out of her.  Bonus points for having them delivered to her office.

If you're clean-shaven, grow a beard or mustache.  If you have a beard, shave it for a few months.  Change is good.

Cultivate a good manly nickname.  Note: "T-Bone" is for douchebags.

Know how to insult your best friends good-naturedly.

Make a cheesecake, from scratch, just 'cause.

Spend fifty bucks on something that can make you a hundred bucks.  Then follow through.  Repeat until you're a millionaire.

Open a beer bottle with a lighter, a quarter, the edge of the table, or with anything that isn't actually a bottle opener.  If you're drinking beer with screw-caps, get a life.

Get Red Cross CPR certified.  Take a First Aid course, too.  

Practice predicting a woman's dress and boobs size.  Become proficient.

Get a friend laid.  You know you want to.

Make someone's wish come true anonymously.  It makes you feel powerful and noble.

Learn how to give an outstanding massage.  That means more than thirty minutes and using plenty of lotion or oil.

Cultivate an "evil twin" persona for your spouse -- someone who does stuff you would never, ever do in bed.  You know how nasty those evil twins are.

Practice your smile in front of the mirror.  Most dudes' smiles look like they're getting a rectal exam.  Know how to smile for the camera.

Learn to unhook a bra with one hand.  Sure, it's high school level, but when was the last time you did it?

Learn how to drive a stick-shift, if you don't know already.  If you do, learn how to drive a motorcycle instead.

Call out a woman you aren't sleeping with on her bullshit.  That includes your mother or sister.  Your wife is a different matter -- you have to call her out on her bullshit very carefully.

If another guy calls you out on your apparent "sexism", ala Hugo Schwyzer's "Dude, that's not cool!", reply with a simple "isn't it time to change your tampon?"  Remind him that men decide for themselves what they think is cool, they don't rely on bullshit peer-pressure from vapid deltas whose opinion they didn't respect to begin with.  If a dude can't take your honest assessment of a situation without screeching about sexism, he's mislaid his testicles and likely his value to you as a friend.  Calling you out like that isn't displaying courage, it's displaying disloyalty.  That should be noted . . . and remembered.

If a woman busts you checking her out, and tries to bust your balls about it in public, proclaim loudly "Sorry!  I just thought you were the most attractive transexual I've ever seen!" and walk away before she can form a reply.

Learn how to lie convincingly.

Hug a child, and don't reprove a boy for hugging you for comfort or in happiness.  High fives are for home runs and homework -- real achievement requires a properly-delivered manly embrace.

Have a plan when you start the day, and don't revise it unless you have a compelling reason.

Be able to recognize a compelling reason to revise your plan, and do so without regrets or recriminations.

If you don't have a mission, find one.

Make a goal of having something -- one thing -- accomplished by the end of the week that will improve your life or the life of your family.  Make that thing happen by the deadline.

If your taxes aren't done, your car needs to be inspected, or your lawn needs to be mowed you have work to do.  Structural stability is sexy.

Break your television for a week.  See if you really miss it.

Consider a tattoo.  

Surprise your wife for lunch.

Know how to install a light fixture without calling anyone for help.

Grow a plant and take care of it without any help from anyone, particularly your wife.

Ensure that all of your smoke detectors work and are powered, that your doors and windows all lock securely, and that you have a spare house key stashed somewhere where you can get to it outside.

Learn how to take harsh criticism without being offended, and be able to take an insult gracefully.

Back up your computer, and make a rescue disk.

Buy a pocket knife and learn how to sharpen it.  Carry it with you religiously, along with a flashlight and a pocket screwdriver.

Go fishing.  Surprise your kid or take your wife, but drop everything and spend a few hours therapeutically drowning worms.  If you catch it, clean it and eat it.  

Learn how to properly and gently correct the behavior of other people's children without inspiring a challenge to their parenting.  This is tricky.

Learn how to lead.  It's not a natural talent, it's a learnable skill.  If you haven't learned it, you need to.  Being bossy isn't leadership.  Being indecisive isn't leadership.  BE THE CAPTAIN, and people will just naturally start treating you like the captain.

That's just a few places you can start adding a little Red Pill to your daily diet.  Learn who you are as a man, and inflict that on your personal universe without apology.  

Tomorrow is the first day of your journey . . . are you willing to risk it?

Happy New Year!

Friday, December 28, 2012

The Three Alphas

Over the holidays the Red Pill came up more than once, in a lot of different contexts.  One intriguing discussion revolved around my definition of a “Wolf Alpha”.

For those of you just joining us, my own variation on Vox Day’s brilliant Socio-Sexual Hierarchy involves dividing clear masculine “Alphas” into different sub-categories, based upon their focus.  Each one is clearly an “Alpha Male”, but they present differently, have different values and concerns, and they express their Alpha nature very differently.

The one commonly known in the PUA community is the “Bull Alpha”.  This is the traditional playboy, the over-sexed harem-developing dude who can commit to a hairstyle more easily than committing to a woman.  Often driven professionally, successful, and extremely self-confident, the Bull Alpha might love women, plural, but settling on one woman is against his nature.

The Bull Alpha is the natural PUA.  He's got Game as an innate talent.  Pussy is a sport for him, perhaps a passion, but he's into variety, not consistency.

Then there are the Bear Alphas.  I won’t get into them much here, considering the discussion I make of them in the book (still waiting on word).  Basically, Bear Alphas are the kind of men who other men admire and who are often so committed to an ideal that their family, wife, and personal lives are secondary to that ideal or passion.  Sometimes Bear Alphas are, indeed, openly gay, but more often they are studiously non-sexual, seeing any devotion of energy to such things as detracting from their commitment.   But Bear Alphas are their own unique kind of Alpha Male.

But then there are the Wolf Alphas.  Wolf Alphas, unlike Bull Alphas, are more interested in finding an excellent wife and devoting themselves utterly to their family.  Wolves are highly social creatures, just like humans, and the social hierarchy of the pack is an important survival function for the species.  A Wolf Alpha is a man who has essentially made the survival and prosperity of his family, and the members thereof, his personal responsibility. 

Bull Alphas make their personal vision or ego their personal responsibility, and see the fulfillment of that vision as proof of their success.  That success is validated by the mad poon they can pull as their confidence and success makes them irresistible to a lot of women.

Bear Alphas have made the ideals and vision of the non-familial group their personal responsibility, and see the continued prosperity and success of that group as a reflection of their personal success.  Their success is validated through social respect and the praise and acknowledgement of their professional peers. 

Wolf Alphas have made their family their focus.  Their dedication and devotion is to their personal social and genetic clan, in which they assume a leadership role.  This often means gently dominating the family to ensure proper security, health, and guidance for everyone, as well as undertaking to provide as many resources as possible for the family.  A Wolf Alpha’s dedication to his family (including his wife) is not a betrayal of his Alpha status – it’s an expression of it. 

Bull Alphas make great lovers and poor husbands.  Bear Alphas make (often) mediocre and awkward lovers and distant if competent husbands.  Wolf Alphas make good lovers and great husbands, if they have done a proper job of wife selection (and most Wolf Alphas make a point of that).

Why is this important?  Because in chasing down Alpha, women often catch a whiff and don’t recognize the specific aroma.  A woman can find a Bull Alpha ridiculously sexy and entertaining, but trying to build a life with him is going to be a full-time job, as you fight off both predatory women and his own urge to stray.  A woman can invest great hope in a relationship with a Bear Alpha, because of his great passion for a cause or an ideal – particularly if she shares that ideal or holds that cause dear. 

But a woman who marries a Bear Alpha is in for a long and frustrating relationship . . . and more than one Bear Alpha has been secretly bisexual, as his charisma and passion attract same-sex attention.  Marrying a Bear Alpha might give a woman great social prestige, but its unlikely for her to find the relationship deeply fulfilling unless she, too, places the common ideal above the needs of her relationship and family.

Wolf Alphas are different – they are actively seeking to breed with a long-term, committed partner.  And they frequently masquerade as high Betas or even Gammas, as they seek out that perfect Mrs. Wolf to build a family with.  They may even masquerade as a Bull Alpha or (more rarely) a Bear Alpha in their quest, in order to ferret out a prospective wife’s character and values.

Wolf Alphas have very high standards, but they are also ridiculously loyal and protective once they have committed.  Their success is based almost entirely on their functioning family, and they will make nearly any sacrifice to that end – including forgoing promotions and employment opportunities a Bull Alpha would find irresistible, and a Bear Alpha would feel duty-bound to accept.  A Wolf Alpha’s success is proven in raising his children to maturity and preparing them for adult life, with the active participation of an equally-passionate mate. 

How do you spot young Wolf Alphas on the hunt?  They’ll often hang back and observe before plunging into a social situation.  They work well in groups, and will sometimes have 2-3 other dudes around them for cover, protection, and support.  They will frequently feign goofiness or make outrageous statements on early acquaintance in order to gauge a woman’s reaction.  When discussing the future, they almost always have a plan, even if they are willing to change it to suit their circumstances.  They often know what they want to do when they grow up, and they have no qualms about stating their desire for children and a wife – ONE wife.

That doesn’t mean that it’s easy to get them to commit – indeed, one of the telling differences between a hard Beta and a stealthy Wolf Alpha is how easy it is to get the former to commit, and how difficult it is to win that prize from the latter.  A Wolf might screw you rotten and make you make the pig noise, but he isn’t going to introduce you to Mom or agree to go to your sister’s wedding until you prove yourself worthy.

Wolf Alphas have very little tolerance for infidelity.  Or any kind of disloyalty, but infidelity is particularly insidious to the Wolf Alpha.  It’s not just a crime against the relationship, it’s a crime against the mutual dedication to the family that a Wolf Alpha expects – and demands – in his life.  If a male Wolf Alpha does have an affair, he is often deeply wracked with guilt about it and considers it a catastrophic mistake. 

When folks in the Manosphere are throwing around the Alpha term, sometimes it’s helpful to stop and give some thought to the variations.  Just as there are different kinds of “Beta” (High Beta, Low Beta, Gamma, Delta, etc.) dudes, the different kinds of Alpha men who have mastered the art of manliness enough to impose their will upon the world are variations on the same robust theme.  

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Alpha Move: Dress Like The Captain

 I had a joyous Yule, and I hope you did, too.

Among my favorite gifts this year was this magnificent coat. 

It’s a replica of Captain Jack Harkness’ coat from the Doctor Who spin-off, Torchwood.  Captain Jack is a 51st century bisexual (omnisexual) immortal stud who will happily bang anything that moves.  Male, female, transgender, alien, inanimate, you name it.  He also has a delicious sense of style.  For those of you looking to up your visual Alpha presentation without resorting to plaid flannel hunting shirts or teardrop prison tattoos, allow me to recommend considering . . . The Captain’s Coat:

The classic gray looks good on anyone.  The shoulders broaden you, the length makes you look taller.  It’s a rayon/polyester blend that looks like wool (still Dry Clean Only, but so worth it).  The classic 1940s styling (it’s modeled after a WWII-era RAF officer’s coat) screams unapologetic masculinity while at the same time providing an imposing fashion statement.  

You feel like The Captain when you’re wearing this.

This isn’t a sporty little jacket . . . this is a Man’s Coat, double breasted, serious, adult, and dripping with teh Sexy.  Spacious outer and inner pockets provide a haven for your valuables, gadgets, and weaponry, while the shoulder epaulettes give you an air of authority and command presence.

And people look at you.  A ten-minute trip around the grocery store on Christmas Eve made me the object of female attention, and I could have gotten laid at least twice if I’d had time, inclination, or freedom to do so.  Mrs. Ironwood can’t keep her hands off me.    I can barely keep my hands off myself.

Pair it with a gray or black scarf and gloves, or add a dashing grey fedora (wide-brimmed, high crowned) to complete the look. My kids look at me with new respect.  People are more polite to me.  It makes me act more Alpha when I wear it, because people treat me more Alpha.  When you say something wearing this coat, you expect people to listen to you.

But damn, it’s sexy.  If you’re looking for a quick, fairly inexpensive way to up your Alpha presentation, this is worth six months of manicures or three weeks of gym time.  You can’t help feeling dashing in this coat.  

It’s a +1 Sex Rank on a hanger.

Just a suggestion – but for the full effect, skip the geeky t-shirt and go for a button-down shirt, no tie, and suspenders.  

And the sunglasses.  Don’t forget the sunglasses.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Girl Game: Why It's Not Hopeless

I have a friend, a lady friend, who just turned 40.  Ish.

 She’s single, a single working mom with a grown son, and she is drop-dead gorgeous.  She is about as far from the Wall as a woman can get at her age – from two feet away she can pass for 20.  Italian features, beautiful fair skin, long curly hair with a distinguished touch of gray.  She knows how to dress, how to present herself, and she wears her femininity unashamedly on her sleeve.

She really, really wants to meet a dude – the right dude – and get married.  But a few weeks ago, at a mutual friend’s birthday party, we got to talking and I leveled with her about her chances – and any 40 year old woman’s chances of finding a permanent, decent dude at this stage of life – and from what I understand she’s been hopelessly depressed since then.

Here’s the deal: the numbers are the numbers, and the numbers don’t lie.  That doesn’t mean you are a number, however.  In fact, just by reading this you’ve improved your chances of finding the rare and elusive Marriage-Minded-Bachelor.  Allow me to explain.

Consider the Sexual Market Place in all of its brutal glory.  Consider the cold, hard numbers about sexual attraction, and how a woman gets hers all at once and declines over time, and a man gets his gradually and in increasing amounts over time.  

Consider the number of women in the SMP who are open to the idea of a long term relationship with a man.  You’re in that pool, and it’s huge.  You may not want to think of yourself "in competition" with other women over a mere man, but that's the Red Pill reality of the situation.  You can either continue to fool yourself by pretending that you aren't really competing, you're just "waiting for the right one" as you get shut out of one promising date after another by other women - your competitors - or you can bite the bullet, be willing to be realistic, and step up your Girl Game to the point where you're a contender.

Now consider the subset of the pool of women who want to find a husband – and are willing to make that a life priority.  If you fall within that category, you’re already in a better position than the women who aren’t actually consciously pursuing a long-term relationship, but are depending on the fickle finger of Fate or Jesus to bring them a man.  Congrats!  They're idiots, you've made a decisive move.

Further, if you are one of those women who has decided that finding the right husband is a worthy and noble goal, and are willing to put forth the effort to pursue that goal, then you have further self-selected into a higher probability pool.  Once you have established a realistic goal and have committed to it, you automatically improve your chances over your lackluster competitors who are waiting for "chemistry" or "electricity" -- in other words, they're letting their pussies decide the issue.

Now, you know you want a husband, and you know that you’ve got to devote some time and energy to finding him.  “True Love” says to wait for Fate or Kismet . . . but the vulture said “Fuck this waiting around shit!  I’m going to go kill something!”  That is, sometimes you have to take proactive action even if it's outside of your comfort zone.  The next step is figuring out just what kind of husband you want.  That’s very important . . . but you have to be Red Pill realistic about it.  

First of all, discard all fantasies of the Christian Grey billionaire kinkazoid.  Sure, he’s out there, but dudes like that are what we call “Bull Alphas”, that is, he’s going to get into your panties and hit the road, or keep you spinning on the side until you realize that no, he isn’t ever going to commit.  That whole falling-in-love-with-the-innocent-grad-student-and-living-happily-ever-after bullshit is just this side of criminal negligence -- kind of like telling a retarded kid that he has a realistic shot at the Presidency without having oil wealth and nepotism behind you.  Set your sights realistically, on a real dude.  Just by opening yourself up to the possibilities, you improve your chances.

So let's take a look at you.  This is going to sound an awful lot like “lowering your standards”, but the cold hard reality is that if you’re over 30, your Objective Sex Rank is inevitably in decline.  No matter how adept you are at keeping it at bay, even though you’re a hot 40 year old, the “high ranking” guys who are really looking to settle down are looking in the 25-30 range, prime baby-making years.  If you are desperate to get pregnant and have kids with your future husband, prepare yourself: your chances just went down again.  But put a pin in that thought, because we’ll come back to it.

But consider this, as you “lower your standards” and decide that maybe just a bachelors degree will do, when you were really hoping for a doctorate: when you are considering a man on a date, and he can just about hear you “lowering your standards” to condescend to date him and consider him for mating.  When a woman’s eyes play over you and you can see them wince as she thinks “y’know, if I don’t think about it too much, he’s not bad”.  One whiff of that, and you’ve likely already blown it.  No one wants to feel like they’re someone else’s consolation prize.

Part of the problem is that you are thinking of it as “lowering your standards”, when in fact what you are doing is “adjusting to the reality of the situation”.  Because more than likely your original “standards” for what Prince Charming needs were formed in your starry-eyed 20s, when you really thought you’d be famous or rich or happily married to Mr. Perfect by now.  While your girlish idealism may feed into your key romantic fantasies, the plain fact is that the dude you saw yourself with when you were 25 isn’t on the menu anymore.  

But that doesn’t mean that what is on the menu isn’t just as good . . . maybe better.  

Love happens in the strangest of places, to the most diverse people, and while more often than not that infatuation that drives love dies a natural death pretty early on, it’s also quite true that there are times when love between unlikely pairs blossoms into something incredible and wondrous.  When you have closed your heart to all but a narrow range of possibilities, you have artificially reduced your chances of finding a good mate because of your own inability to envision success.  

One friend of mine left a promising relationship when she was 31 because of her boyfriend’s apparent lack of ambition.  By the time she was 34, it was clear that a secure, decent paying gig is actually a pretty good thing, even if it means she wouldn't get the McMansion of her dreams . . . but by that time he’d gotten snatched up by a girl with more sense.  Then his boss died unexpectedly and left him the business.  Leave your preconceived notions at home when you go on a date, and your chances of finding a man improve dramatically.

After you have ditched your preconceived ideas about who your Mr. Right is, and you have opened yourself to the possibility of a relationship, then your chances of finding a dude go back up.  Remember, the more effective mating strategy is not to find the most handsome, richest guy you can, despite the allure.  Indeed, a man’s Sex Rank comes far less from his looks than his context, and it’s more likely to go up over time than down.  If you are a solid 7, who can whip it up to an 8 or an 8.5 in a pinch, then finding a dude who is a 9 isn’t your best bet at all.  That’s the dude who is going to dump you for a younger model three years after you get married – if he ever commits.

If you’re a solid 7, then finding another 7 or even a 6 is a better bet.  Because in ten years, you’re going to drop a full point and he’s going to rise a full point, and ideally you want your SR to be slightly lower than your future husband’s.  Ditching preconceived ideas about who Mr. Right is and considering men you ordinarily wouldn’t give a second look at increases your chances dramatically.  

That being said, you still have to find the right dude.

I’ve helped a lot of women look for love with varying degrees of success, but one of the key things I do is have her envision her Mr. Right, down to the last detail – because sometimes those details can be key.  

One lady in Manhattan decided to get serious about her reproductive strategy and asked my advice.  After going over her list of must-haves and would-be-nices, I pointed out that the kind of man she wanted (a 30-something engineer who wants kids and has a secure job) is going to be attracted to certain kind of activities, and by placing herself in the right place, she might just hit the right time for Mr. Right to come out of the bushes once she went where the fish were.  In this case, a high-end auto show.  

We mapped out the six bars closest to the convention center the attendees would most likely be drinking in, she boned up on her automotive knowledge (come to find out, her dad and a brother were engineers . . . coincidence?) and she prepared herself for an adventure by cranking up her Sex Rank a point before she went.  The goal was to meet dudes.  

A lot of women forget that.  They want a husband, and a father for their children, but they have been so focused on the intricacies of being a modern woman that they often know fuck-all about dudes.  I regularly counsel men who are in the early stages of a relationship to be careful not to ally themselves with women who are overly feminine, since I’ve witnessed several instances where these unions de-evolved into high-maintenance Beta slavery the moment the honeymoon lingerie was dry.  

A woman who has no real interest in a man’s world is unlikely to make a good wife . . . so developing some dude-related interests, or at least studying men and their ways, gives you a huge advantage over the women who simply get their hair done, shave their legs all the way up, push the girls into something tight and sexy, and hope that their sex appeal will be enough to attract a decent man.  

That can work . . . but knowing a little something about what guys like and how they think actually gets you a better chance at a mate, long-term, than going up a cup size.  No, really.  And that brings us to your biggest advantage.  One of my favorite quotes is “To know thyself is the ultimate form of aggression”.  Knowing your strengths and weaknesses, your desires and your goals, puts you far more in control of your reproductive destiny than the vapid blonde at the end of the bar in the shiny dress.  

Thing is, there are a LOT of pretty girls out there, and you have to be honest: they are your competition.  You are both going after the same guys, even if your motives and ultimate goals differ.  Knowing what you want gives you a big edge.  Knowing what dudes want gives you an even bigger edge.  Having realistic expectations about the way this story ends buffs that edge even more.  

I’d like to be able to tell you, in three or four paragraphs, exactly what every dude in the world wants in a woman, but that would be incorrect.  Men have their own agendas, goals, and preferences, and they vary as widely as women’s.  But there are a few broad generalizations that can be made, and while they seem a little on the remedial side, there are plenty of women out there who fuck up every date they’re on because they ignore some of these basics.

First – and foremost – a man is considering you as a sexual partner.  In your quest for romance and true love, you might conveniently forget that – but none of us did for a fucking moment.  Sex is important for men, perhaps the most important element of the relationship from our perspective.  

For women, sex is the affirmation of infatuation, the natural progression of physical intimacy after emotional and mental intimacy has been established – else, it’s strongly responsive in the heat of the moment.  Most dudes are hoping they can get you in the latter mood by exciting and stimulating you.  Either way, the man you are speaking to is thinking about his chances of fucking you, no matter what he says about your charm, wit, and taste in art.  He might consider you a pump-and-dump opportunity, or he might consider you a long-term humpy partner, but he’s definitely not thinking about whether or not you share a deep emotional connection or how you really feel about the fashion industry.

He wants to fuck you.  Use that.

Not to be mean , but remember that your sexuality is the best “bait” (and I have a few feminist readers who object to that term, but I’ll remind them that for the last 100,000 years, minus the most recent part, men used hunting as the metaphor for most of their activities – and finding quality pussy certainly qualifies) you have.  Not just your appearance, but your openness, your willingness to experiment, and your general attitude toward sex are all going to be factors in how strongly he will be attracted to you.  Showing some cleavage is nice – but it you don’t plan on putting out until you’re engaged, you’ve put yourself into the ‘longshot’ category.  

Unfair?  You betcha.  After all, shouldn't you get to know a guy before you sleep with him?

Of course.  Mostly.  But from his perspective, every moment he spends with you is going to revolve around that question, and if you give him the idea that the only way to get your legs open is with a life-long commitment or too many other hoops, then he’s going to bail on you.  Because there are a lot of pretty girls in the world, and for every one chick who wants to slow down and take her time and evaluate the relationship for a while, there are two chicks that will blow him in the parking lot or head back to his place to rock his world.  They might not even want him permanently, but they have what he wants, and if he has a choice between older pussy he has to work hard for and younger pussy that falls into his bed, he’s much more likely to chase after the latter.

You see, your sexuality is your best attractant, but thanks to feminism, someone dumped their bait in the water, and now sex is EVERYWHERE for a dude.  Sex without commitment, relationships or even last names.  If you have money, you can have sex.  If you have a modicum of Game, you can have sex.  In fact, the only thing stopping most dudes from having a lot more sex is their own willingness to Scalzi-out and pedestalize women to the extent that they become hopeless Beta (Delta) Orbiters.  That is, those dudes who just respect you too much to try anything . . . even if you really want them to.

But for the rest of the guys out there, pussy is still our primary source of inspiration and motivation.  If we think it’s immanent, we’re willing to put up with just about anything.  If we think it’s hopeless, then we find some way to move on to someone with whom it isn’t hopeless.  So the key is to keep him interested in you sexually until you have established whether or not he’s got a couple of hidden dealbreakers in his pocket.

After your sexuality, your personality is going to be your next biggest asset.  That is, a warm and giving personality is going to be more alluring to Mr. Right than a cold and distant bitch who looks like a million bucks.  Remember, the man you are looking for is also interested in a commitment – and as shallow as we dudes are, any man worth marrying is going to want to take a good hard look at your personality.  

What does that mean?  Laughing at his jokes and smiling and making eye contact are all good Girl Game, of course, but after that, what do you do to convince him that you’re good “wife material”?

Well, you might want to start thinking of yourself as such.

It’s amazing how many women think “strong and independent” is what men are looking for.  In point of fact, we only say that because that’s what we think you want to hear, but when we’re alone “strong and independent” usually translates to “ballbuster future ex-wife”, not “future mother of my children/romantic companion unto the end of my days”.  It’s not that we want you to be weak . . . we just want to see some vulnerability, some need for us in your life.  No man wants to be a woman’s unnecessary accessory, and unless he feels like you need him, he’s not going to be interested in more than your vagina.  

(Mrs. Ironwood did this, I realize in retrospect, by cooking for me on our 3rd date.  She already knew I loved to cook and was good at it, so she thought she’d honor me with a meal she cooked.  She made a valiant effort, but by dessert I knew with certainty that any future relationship with her would mean I would be cooking all of our meals – which was perfect.  I’d rather share my toothbrush than my kitchen.)

Apropos to that, don’t discuss your job more than you absolutely have to.  Women who are more engaged in their workplace social life than they are the rest of their lives rarely make ideal wives.  We know you have a job – in fact, it’s a red flag if you don’t.  But we don’t care how much money you make, what your title is, or what Rhonda and Carol said just last week when you complained there weren’t any decent men around.  Unless you both work in the same field, hearing you talk about work when you should be talking about us is another red flag.

Thanks to forty years of feminism, women have been conditioned to believe that men really do want “strong and independent” women, women who put success ahead of other considerations in their life.  They have spent their lives thinking of themselves as a profession or vocation, perhaps as a girlfriend, but hardly as a wife.

So ask yourself, ladies: just what do you have to offer a man as his wife?

That goes beyond your vagina and your high threadcount linens.  Think about what it means to be a wife.  Think about it good and hard.  Imagine what it meant to your grandmother, your mother, and you, and how that changed – and how it didn’t.  Remember that what you are getting is a husband, and that’s a different animal than a live-in boyfriend.  So what can you tell a man that will suggest that you would make a good wife?

Some hints: don’t mention how much you like to cook unless you’re willing to do all the cooking (remember, someone has to).  Don’t mention how much you like to shop unless you do it professionally. (It’s not that we’re anti-shopping, but I think we can all admit that the women who consider shopping a competitive sport have been the ruin of more than one man).    Don’t appear obsessed by celebrities, fashion, or reality television – we can appreciate your interest in them, but unless we’re deep in the closet we really could care less.  

Don’t mention your crazy ex(es).  No one wants to pick up a jealous stalker.  In fact, don’t mention any exes, especially if you’re still good friends with them.  We know you’ve probably had sex, and we’re wary of your “number”, but those kind of details can kill your chances with a guy if you’re too free with them.  If you spent a year just slutting out, you might not want to mention that up front, either.  Sure, he will want to know that, but that’s the sort of thing you discuss with your dude after he’s addicted to the way you give head.

The caveat to that is if you are asked about your “number”, then tell him.  We know you’re lying about it, we just want to hear you say it.  And if you don’t know it off the top of your head . . . red flag.  Nor is a high number death to all hopes of a relationship.  Some dudes mind a lot more than others, and some don’t mind at all.

Don’t talk about your pets.  Even if he asks, that isn’t a sign he’s into dressing up kitty cats like Star Trek characters, too – it’s a test.  If you show more interest in your pets than you do him, that’s a red flag.

DO talk about whether you want kids.  This is the biggest single dealbreaker on either side, and if you want a baby and he doesn't, then it's not going to work out.  Cut your losses and move on, no matter how hot he is. But the conventional wisdom that says "don't discuss children" on a date doesn't really apply at this age.  When you're a 20 year old guy, just about the last thing you want to hear on a date is "I want kids within the next six months!", which is just under "Y'know I'm a dude, right?" 

But a 40 year old man might also have a powerful biological itch to be scratched.  Believe it or not, your desire to have children may actually improve your subjective Sex Rank.  Or your decision not to have (any more) kids may be just what he's looking for.  This is one of the few points upon which you should be honest and upfront.  Fatherhood is a serious issue for guys, so don't play around with that.

Here's the thing: even if you don't want kids, a dude is still going to imagine what kind of mother you'd make, and that's going to profoundly feed his attraction to you.  While few of us expect to be "mothered" on a daily basis by our wives, there are indeed times in every man's life when his success or failure depends on the matronly emotional support his wife can muster.  If your wife can't comfort you and make you feel better when you don't feel well, it's not ideal.

It comes down to this: when a man is evaluating a woman for a relationship, he’s either looking for a) the mother of his children or b) the sex kitten of his dreams or c) All Of The Above.  They aren’t looking for an ambitious climber with a fat 401k, a leased luxury car and her own home.  

Think of them as the traditional Manosphere “Alpha/Beta” mix: you want to demonstrate your “Beta” skills as potential wife and mother, while simultaneously hinting at your “Alpha” skills, that is, your sexuality and social adeptness.  And yes, a decent guy is going to want both, even if he doesn’t want kids.  If you aren’t willing to compromise on that . . . well, don’t expect him to put a ring on it.  Or even call you again.  “He’s just not that into you” is often code for “nice ass, but she was a bitch to the busboy” or “she was friendly enough, but she hasn't had sex in two years and I need someone hornier than that in my life.”

Yeah.  We're really like that.

Feminist propaganda to the contrary, men have all but given up lighthearted commitments anymore.  It's just too expensive.  That is, don’t expect to move in with a dude after six dates, the way you could back in the 1990s.  As men are starting to realize that they are gatekeepers of commitment, they’re also starting to realize that their commitment has value.  If you aren’t attractive, sexually available, and easy-to-get-along-with, then yeah, you’re going to have a hard time finding a husband.  And that’s before he’s had a chance to even look at your baggage.

Beyond that, do you have any notion what being a “wife” entails?  It’s not just what you’re called after the big party with the pretty dress.  Being a wife is a job description, and the best way to get the job is to make sure you have the credentials.  The whole “co-equal partnership” ideal is crap – husbands and wives who make their marriages work tend to be willing to compromise and watch each others’ backs, not jealously guard their individual prerogatives.  Being a wife is more than being an “official girlfriend”.  There are expectations and responsibilities tied up with being a wife.  If you aren’t willing to live up to those, then perhaps you should abandon your search.  

This is a true story: a man I know dumped an otherwise good prospect because she wasn’t willing to change her last name to his if they got married.  I knew both parties, and I knew that this was a Very Big Deal to the dude – he was an only child and the last of his line, and he felt that it was important for his wife and child to share his name.  He was trying to build a family, after all.

When the woman tearfully called me a few weeks later (she had apparently exhausted the patience of our other mutual friends) to complain, I gently pointed out that I’d known the man for a long time, and he’d always made that a dealbreaker.  She didn't think he was being serious . . . or that she could get him to change his mind.  She had established a career under her maiden name and didn’t wan the inconvenience of changing her name or even adding “Mrs.” to it – she thought it was a needless anachronistic atavism.  

He didn’t.  He thought it was a traditional sign of respect for his ancestors.  Family was important to him, whereas to her the wedding was the important part.  She didn’t want to be a “wife”, she wanted to be a “bride”.  She wanted the party and the attention and the feeling of success she’d get for finally landing a man . . . she didn’t really want the husband that comes with all of it.  In fact, when I asked her about her potential future with him, she didn’t have much to say after she told me everything she’d imagined about the exotic honeymoon.  She wanted to get married – she didn’t want to be married.

And when the dude and I talked about it, he pointed out that if she was unwilling to compromise on such a fundamental issue so important to him before the wedding, then she would be even less likely to compromise on issues important to them both after they were married.  He didn’t want a “strong and independent co-equal partner” he had to discuss and get approval for every move he makes, he wanted a wife.  While the latter can be a part of the former, those aren’t essential skills for a wife.

What?  You didn’t know being a wife involved a skillset?  Perhaps I’ll cover this in a future post.  

So if you’re in the neighborhood of 40 and you find yourself single, ladies, it’s not the end of the world.  It’s a challenge.  A big one.  Finding a decent man now is going to be hard, much harder than when you were younger, prettier, and skinnier, but most of your Girl Game relies on what’s going on in your head, not your bra.  If you can shake your own mind around a bit and get out of the self-made traps that sabotage your efforts, then you have a fighting chance to dramatically improve your odds of being Mrs. Charming some day.

It’s not a sure thing . . . but then again, what is?  The only way you can really lose is by giving up.  Hell, even romance novels know that much.