Monday, August 20, 2012

Betwixt Whore And Housewife

I was introduced to a fascinating blog by one of my readers today, and one post in particular is pure Red Pill magic.




The blogger, Maggie McNeil, is a retired whore.  A prostitute.  Lady of the Evening.  Woman of Ill Repute.  Hooker.  I'm sure you can come up with plenty of other synonyms and euphemisms, but the important thing is that she made her living having sex with other women's husbands. 

Now, this might be disturbing, particularly for my Christian readers.  I would remind them that Jesus hung out with whores and didn't catch anything, and from what I've heard he was a pretty wise dude, so please keep that in mind.  Indeed, what you might catch from this particular (retired) whore is advice.  And if any of my female readers think that they are too good to take sexual advice from a whore instead of an ordained minister, then next time your car breaks down feel free to take it to your daycare provider instead of your mechanic.  They will have about as much wisdom and experience on the matter as a preacher typically does about sex.

Whores on the other hand know sex -- particularly male sexual psychology.  Indeed, their successful professional life depends upon it.  I'm not saying that makes them experts in the field of marital dynamics, family therapy, or anything else -- but when it comes to how the male brain/penis dynamic works, prostitutes understand things about dicks that some wives never do.  So when it comes to how your dude's sexbrain works, listen to a whore, even if you have to whisper a prayer for her immortal soul under your breath as you read her wisdom.

Here's a taste, a quote from Maggie with a particularly Red Pill flavor about it:

...decades of lies and neofeminist propaganda that men and women are the same and that women should only accept sex when they desire it (and for no other reason) have done tremendous damage to the male-female dynamic; ignorant modern women not only feel that husbands should be satisfied with whatever sexual pickings their wives choose to dole out, however meager or restricted, but also refuse to understand that a starving man will seek food elsewhere if it isn’t available at home.  Every escort hears it over and over again: “My wife doesn’t give me sex any more,” or “after the kids my wife lost interest,” or some other variation on it.  These men have no reason to lie; they want us to understand that they are driven by need, and the sadness in their voices is unmistakable.  
She goes on to make a compelling argument for why women who get married ("wives") need to consider the sexual needs of their husbands, and understand that they are different from their own and require a different set of rules.  If I didn't know any better, you'd think it was Athol Kay writing under a pseudonym.

Another quote from the same post is likewise instructive:

One night at UNO I was sitting around talking with several other girls, and when one said something about putting out for her boyfriend another replied haughtily, “I would never give a man sex unless I wanted it, too.”
Even back in those pre-professional days I considered that sort of attitude completely asinine, so I asked her, “Do you have a dog?” (knowing full well she did).
 
“What?” she asked, annoyed at my apparent change of subject. 
“It’s a straightforward question,” I replied; “Do you, or do you not, have a dog?” 
“You know I do!” she snapped. 
“And you walk it every night?” 
“Of course!” 
“What if you don’t want to?” 
“I still have to anyway, or she’ll go on the carpet during the night! 
“What if it’s raining?” 
“Then my dad takes her for me!” The dumb bunny had no idea where I was going, but the smiles told me the other girls did.
 “In other words, you care more about a dog than you do about a man.”

 “How do you get that?”
“When one has a living creature under one’s care, it is one’s responsibility to take care of that creature’s needs, or else to arrange for someone else to do so.  And if you shirk that responsibility, you only have yourself to blame for the inevitable and foreseeable consequences.” 
And then this Red Pill gem of reality:
"Women who actually starve their husbands are in the minority, though; the more typical wife merely offers such repetitive and unpalatable fare that her husband simply loses his appetite for her cooking and yearns to dine elsewhere.  One of my correspondents recently wrote, “I know so many women who say their men are apt to fall asleep in front of the TV or play on the computer all evening; sex seems to be not very high on their list of priorities.”   
I replied, “Not to be mean, but what isn’t ‘high on their list of priorities’ is boring, repetitive sex with their dumpy, frowsy wives who sit around in sweatsuits with short hair and only want sex when they’re interested in the way they want it, and everything else is greeted with ‘That’s disgusting!’ or ‘You’re a pervert!’ or ‘I’m not gonna do that!’  Those same men are plenty interested in young-looking, well-kept escorts who have maintained their figures, dress in a feminine manner and will give them the kind of sex they want when they want it.” 

This demonstrates a point that I believe cannot be made often or strongly enough: Sex is an art and a craft, just like any other learned behavior, and while Evolution has graciously provided you with the junk necessary to propagate the species, using that junk with artfulness and style in pursuit of mating is wholly up to you.  And, sadly, despite thousands of Cosmo articles attempting to explain the matter in clear, concise, read-it-in-one-trip-to-the-john language, few American wives approach sex as an art.  (Most men don't either, ladies -- don't feel too badly.)



Now, Conventional Wisdom says you can't make a housewife out of a whore (which I disagree with), but that you can make a whore out of a housewife (which I'm pretty comfortable with).  The saying was originally coined to discourage men in the 20th century and earlier from attempting to enjoy a fruitful and faithful marriage with a woman who was sexually experienced.  It was also used to point out the traditional dichotomy between a "whore" who knew about the infinite variations of sex and "housewife" who knew Lights Out Missionary Position Every Saturday Whether You Need It Or Not and that was about it.

(In this case, of course, by "whore" I don't mean "woman who sells sex to strangers", I mean "woman for whom sex is an active passion".  And by "housewife" I don't mean "woman who stays home to cook and clean and mind the babies", I mean "married woman who wants to stay that way".)

While the comparative merits of whores and housewives can and have been discussed elsewhere, for our purposes I think it's important to focus on the idea of the whore as a Sex Professional and the housewife as a Sex Amateur.  The latter has a lot to learn from the former about the proper care and feeding of her husband's penis.  And it's also important to understand that most men want their wives to land somewhere between the extremes of the insatiable whore and the virginal housewife . . . usually tilted in the direction of the former.

The Red Pill provides some impressive benefits, and the one that most men gravitate to is, naturally, the usual increase in sex once you start running hard Game on your wife.  (Without telling tales out of school, my post Game stats are more than double my already impressive pre-Game stats -- the MAP is a wonderful thing.)
But while running Game and being appropriately Alpha and working out and making more money is all very good for making 
her swoon and dropping panties, it doesn't make either one of you a better lay.  Just a more regular lay.  And while repetition and familiarity will, naturally, lead to more confidence and higher skill levels, after a while the novelty of regular sex wears a little, and both parties start to get bored.  

That's the classic need for sexual novelty manifesting, of course.  Just a little wrench that Evolution threw into our sexual machinery to keep us constantly refining our genetic destiny.  And when that need isn't met, hormone levels drop, dissatisfaction creeps in, and eventually one or both of you is going to realize that they need to up their Game to stay in the game.

Going to see a prostitute is one way to inject novelty into your sexual psychology.  But it shouldn't be a man's first choice.  And while I'm a huge fan of selectively using porn to help introduce novelty into a marriage (and I'm preparing a post with recommendations of recent faves in response to reader requests) just watching a movie and getting turned on doesn't make you a better lover automatically, any more than watching a Kung Fu movie makes you a martial artist.  It might make you a better martial artist, if you study it carefully, but if you're just looking to see a bunch of dudes beat the shit out of each other, you aren't going to learn much.  Similarly, if you watch a bunch of porn for whackfodder don't expect to be a Casanova as a result.  

Toys are also a typical go-to when the novelty of married sex wears off -- which I also strongly encourage for both parties.  But while toys may be valuable aids to learning sexual skills, particularly how to orgasm effectively (and that's not an automatic for the ladies, Gentlemen), they don't make you a skilled lover any more than a NASCAR stock car is going to make you a better driver.

It's difficult discussing sex as an art or skill partially because -- for most married people -- it's an art with an audience of just one person, and in most cases it's not a particularly discriminating audience most of the time.

But it is an art, and a skill, and one you can and should develop within the bounds of your married relationship...even if your spouse does not appear to appreciate your efforts, early on.  Think of it as part of the extended MAP: the desire and willingness to take the time and consideration to make yourself a better lover.  

But just how does one go about that?  If sex is an art, how do you get better at it?  The answer to that question begins by examining just why your sexual performance is mediocre to begin with.  And to do that, the only person who is going to be able to give you honest feedback is your mate.  But there is a good way and a bad way to solicit that kind of feedback.  

The good way does not include constantly asking "So did you cum or what?" afterward.  It does not include obsequiously begging for praise and admiration.  It does not include rolling over, lighting a cigarette, and asking "So, if you had to rate that on a scale of one to ten, with one being the worst sex of your life and ten being the best, how would you score it?"  It does not include secretly videotaping it and then immediately reviewing the footage and doing a post-mortem frame-by-frame.  And it certainly doesn't include describing the entire occasion to your girlfriends and getting all of their feedback on it.

So what's the good way?  Observation, firstly.  If your spouse really, really gets off on something you do . . . remember that and do it again some day.  Not next time (more on this later) but soon.  If you're keeping a LBB as part of your MAP (and you should be) then making note of the practice is recommended.  

But more importantly, watch for what falls flat and avoid that.  Sex is an art, married sex is an art with just one critic, but sex as an art is also extremely interactive, not static.  It is "performance art" at a very basic level.  That means that ultimately the reaction of your audience is more important than any artistic experiments you may want to try.  If you're into feet, but your wife isn't, then don't make feet the star of the show.  That's YOUR thing, not hers, and while you may want to include some foot-friendly features in your art, pissing off your audience is not good art.

Believe it or not, bad sex can be a good thing.  We learn far, far more from our mistakes than we do from our successes.  When you put something somewhere unexpected for the first time and it gets a strong negative reaction, then you've learned something very important about our Art.  For example, that Hubby doesn't react well to the sudden and unexpected introduction of anal play with a glass dildo THAT big without some warning.  Or that greeting your wife wearing a weenie-bikini and a piece of fake fur when she gets home from work fares a lot better when you know her mother isn't with her.  Valuable learning experiences.  As Athol has said, only about 30% of what you try in bed works.  

That means that 70% of what you try won't work, and that seems like a discouraging figure for those desperate for some sort of change in sexual routine.  If two out of three times you crash and burn while trying something new, it's easy for either you or your spouse to get frustrated and conclude that the issue isn't with the sex, it's with him/her.  But that's unfair to you both.  The fact is, even if you've committed to the MAP and your partner hasn't, you have to give your partner space to try things and fail and not hold it against them.

That isn't easy.  But as a corollary to Athol's 70%/30% rule, I'd add that sexual experiments should only be indulged in no more than 30% of the time in a long term relationship.  Why?  Because while novelty is vital and necessary in any sexual relationship, so are predictability and comfort.  Most of the married sex that even hardcore Red Pill couples have is the McDonald's Drive-Thru variety -- and that's perfectly fine.  Sex is art, but it doesn't always have to be high art, and in a married sexual relationship part of the art of sex is understanding when your partner needs you to take them to Pound Town, and when they need slow, loving, gentle, over-in-ten-minutes-so-I-can-get-up0-for-work-on-time sex and being willing and able to rise to either occasion.

Besides observation, asking your partner in a pleasant and non-confrontational way, with some distance and time for reflection, is recommended.  I tend to do this over coffee the next morning with a leering smirk and a "so...what did you think of last night?" and then waiting to get Mrs. Ironwood's response.  And, honestly, there have been times when she has looked at me and said "Y'know, it kinda sucked."  

Now when you only have one critic of your art and they come in with a negative review, it has the possibility of being devastating -- this is your art, after all, a very intimate and personal art, and every artist is essentially slapping their ego on the table for review when they perform/exhibit/publish.  Criticism sounds an awful lot like rejection-after-the-fact.  But it's not.  

Believe me, one of the hardest things for me to learn about writing as a profession was how to take criticism. At first I feared it, and was reluctant to show off my mediocrity to anyone, much less anyone capable of honest criticism.  In the beginning an artist runs on enthusiasm and raw talent, and most of their early art sucks.  Just like most early sexual experiences suck.  

But as I ventured further and further into the realm of professional writing, I sucked it up and started paying attention to the criticism.  And it made me a better writer.  When I realized this, I turned a professional corner, and started seeking out intelligent criticism rather than avoiding it.  I wasn't doing bad stuff on purpose, I was doing the best I could.  But when someone demonstrated a flaw in my writing, I jumped on it and corrected it.  Eventually hearing "I loved that!" started being a disappointment, perversely enough.  I wanted people to tell me where I went wrong, not what they loved about my writing.

When your art is sex, that makes criticism particularly painful, because it is even more difficult to separate the artist from the art in such an intimate medium.  The answer to that is objectivity.  Every artist needs a measure of objectivity when dealing with criticism.  Hearing "Y'know, it kinda sucked" will sometime get translated in your mind to "Y'know, you kinda sucked, and I think you're less of a person because of the experience" if you aren't properly objective enough.  Instead of getting defensive and replying with a "well that's the last time I try anything new!" or "well next time get your own self off then!", ask for clarification and elaboration if you don't understand why something went wrong in your partner's eyes.

Most of the time, of course, you know it sucked (or you thought it was great) and you're just looking for conformation.  The nature of sex is subjective to the point where two people enjoying the same sexual experience likely have two widely differing perspectives on it.  That happens even with old married couples.  Mrs. Ironwood and I have had some amazing sexual experiences together, but the ones that I count as superlative don't always match the ones she finds wonderful and vice versa.  That's perfectly fine.  As compatible as we are we both have slightly different tastes and kinks, differing sufficiently so that my All Time Top 10 and hers only share about 4 experiences.  

But that's part of the art of sex: understanding what gets your partner off and giving it to them (or at least enough to keep them happy) while also getting what you need to get off and ensuring you get it often enough to keep you happy.  A casual and tactful post-mortem, with the mutual freedom to elaborate on the details (including feelings -- those can be important, dudes), is essential to developing a good Red Pill sex life with your spouse.  With the Ironwoods, that didn't happen right away.  In fact, we'd been together maybe 10 years and had been doing things more-or-less Blue Pill fashion, when we had a particularly awful night of sex.

I mean, it was bad.  Minstrels will someday compose epics about how bad it was.  There was alcohol involved, and misunderstandings, and hurt feelings, and miscommunications, the wrong tube of lube, birth control issues, two interruptions, a discussion that almost turned into an argument, erectile difficulties (see: alcohol), the remnants of an earlier discussion that almost turned into an argument, fifteen minutes of mutual fumbling around, at least one orgasm, and then cool silence for the rest of the evening.  If it had been our first time, it would have been our last.  It was monumentally bad sex.

The next day, instead of tip-toeing around what we both knew and didn't want to say, I got a hint of Red Pill and just blurted out over breakfast, "You know, that was one of the most piss-poor sexual performances of my life, and I want to apologize."  I went on to elaborate all of my perceived errors in one long-winded list, then surprisingly added "and then you just . . . " and went on to mention a few of her errors as well.  I finished with, "God, I hope we never have sex that bad again, but there is a bright side."

"What?" asked the confused Mrs. Ironwood.

"There's no way that tonight could even approach that level of bad.  It's all downhill from here."

That made her laugh.  And I was right.  That night was orders of magnitude better -- but then again, it could have been utterly mediocre and it still would have been better.  But the fact that we were able to discuss it, own our problems, not blame each other (or blame ourselves) for it, and move on to better things made it, in retrospect, one of the most important sexual experiences of our relationship.  By the time we were done discussing it, we were actually laughing hysterically at the new level of badness we had reached.

If observation and discussion are already in your repertoire as a self-declared sexual artist, also consider the benefits of pure study.

Sure, you want to know how to push his/her sexual buttons, that goes without saying.  Hell, that's why you're here.  Knowing your partner, knowing your own body (your "instrument"), knowing what you like and dislike, those are all important.  But when it comes to the psychology of your sex life, then you have to do some studying on the side to help more fully inform your ability to please your partner and yourself.  And give yourself knew ideas.

In some cases (lookin' at you, Ladies) that means watching porn with a critical eye.  If you are considering anal sex, then watching an instructional video or two is recommended before you take the plunge.  If you suspect your fellatio skills are sub-par, then watching a couple of dozen examples on video can be quite instructive.  If you are hesitant to try cowgirl position because of your figure or your own insecurities, then seeing it done in a few different positions and styles could allow you to find some way for it to work for you.

In some cases (you this time, Dudes) you need to get past the mechanics and look at the style.  Adding a new position may or may not be a memorable moment in your sex life, but the first time she came home to find the bed covered with rose petals because you saw it mentioned on some blog is going to stick in her mind.  While a particular act or position may or may not fly with your woman, the context of the experience is going to play a huge role in her willingness to experiment.   

By expanding your sexual study beyond porn and into the realms of the psychologically erotic, (you know, all of that stuff she thinks about as "sex" that doesn't have genitals directly involved) you design and execute sexual experiences that go far beyond mere changes in position or new techniques.  Understand that to women sex is at least 50% context-based, and that your pre-coital approach ("foreplay") and control of the frame (setting, and attitude) can contribute vastly to your art and how well it is received.  Similarly, what you do after the money shot is hugely important, and should figure into your over-all approach.  
Examples?  While I hesitate to recommend something as mediocre and banal as 50 Shades of Grey, I cannot deny that the book has thrown a match into the powderkeg of the popular female sexual subconscious in America.  Mommy porn is popular for a reason.  Reading it may well give you insights about the sexual psychology of dominance and submission -- always a good thing -- and maybe one or two ideas about setting, dialog, and accouterments.  Just . . . don't take that dreck as "good" erotica.  You can find stuff far, far better at Literotica.com every day of the week.


But all art has a professional literature behind it, and sex is no different.  You're already doing some research just by reading this, but there is a whole universe of sex out there that you don't know about.  Who knew about the G-spot until it was popularized?  Did you know the side of the boob is almost as sensitive as the front, but is often neglected?  Did you know where your prostate is and how to stimulate it?

More, study your partner and their sexual history.  If Wifey gets wet panties over dirt bikes, take her to a damn rally and then sneak off in the woods for some spontaneous nookie.  If Hubby really, really likes silk stockings and garter belts even though they are a COMPLETE AND UTTER pain in the ass, you wear one.  If Wifey leaves slug trails when she sees a shirtless dude splitting wood, then you buy a maul, an axe and a couple of wedges and you start looking for a tree.  If Hubby can't form coherent thoughts or complete sentences when you go all Jersey Shore on him -- even if you only meant it as a joke the first time -- then grab the tube top and the hair spray and get your Guido on.

And it means studying what the experts, like the whore at the top of the post, have to say about your situation.  You can include Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura in that equation if you must, but somehow I think the whore's insights will serve you better than pop psychology theory.  If the experts suggest"taking off your dignity with your clothes and doing your whorish best", then listen.  Because that woman made a really, really good living off of men whose wives didn't listen, doing things that their wives wouldn't do.

Every artist has an audience that he/she has to please.  In the process, that artist will end up making artistic compromises to please his/her audience, compromises that they may personally not feel great about.  In the end, the audience compromises, too, by accepting and appreciating your efforts at artistic experimentation and variation.  They will always criticize you about your work, even if they don't say a word.  And it's harder in a marriage than in single life -- injecting novelty into sex is easy the fifth time you do it.  Injecting novelty into sex the 500th time you do it takes skill, practice, and dedication to your art.  And a partner who understands that your sex life, however good or bad, is always going to be a work-in-progress.




8 comments:

  1. Great article, and nice Heinlein quote.

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  2. Great article, thanks for sharing your debacle, it's nice to know that even the best of us have bad nights in the sack! Mixing it up is definitely good instead of the old standbys, keeps things interesting (toys, adult movies, candles, Mumford and Sons, couch sex, sex on the floor - all things that have been hits over the last year for me). Also, LOL at "slug trails"!

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  3. So true. This is why I divorced my wife.

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  4. Glad you liked the link. You mentioned a foot fetish a few times, I assume this is one of your kinks. How do you go about introducing it, and making it pleasurable for the lady as well? Also, how do you enjoy the feet while still being alpha?

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  5. Love the post! Basically, housewives are no super woman. They have lots of things to think about from the kids, financials to the house bills to their husband's meals, etc. These issues are really mind draining and having sex does not only require physical presence. It also requires mental and emotional presence to make it more orgasmic. Whores or sex workers don't do anything after a whole night of work. They just get rest, grab a food or two, mind their bodies and pay some bills then do their make-up at night for work. This means that whores have lesser worries than housewives and I think such difference should also be understood by husbands. Also, I don't think housewives refuse sex all the time, so it's just a matter of discipline and understanding in both parties.

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  6. This can probably be the worst nightmare for most men, which frequently happens to some, by the way.

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